as of right now i owe $2664.34 on my car i feel like i'm almost there hopefully the Lord will allow me to knock out the rest and move forward if so i would like to celebrate the milestone i am thinking either maybe i will get a subscription service to something like audible or apple music, or maybe i will buy a megaretron hd which is basically just a sega genesis i'm not sure what i will do but i do want to "celebrate"
as of right now i am basically stuck at home due to the winter freeze thing going on at least i have heat, they were saying people in texas don't have heat the issue with me is i can't get out of my apartment complex.. the parking lot is just full of snow which brings me to a point i wanted to make this is the problem with hiring so many women all the time if men ran this apartment complex i'm sure they would have salt to put down so that people can drive around or maybe some of the guys could just work overtime and shovel the snow since this place is run by women its just people being unable to go anywhere or do anything i see a lot of this especially here in memphis.. places are basically run by women, and of course women would run around saying that's a great thing but its really not because you pull up to mcdonalds or whatever and you can hear in their voices and see in their performance that these women are miserable i'm not saying women can't work or whatever, but i have noticed memphis is a place where it appears only the women work and it has created a lopsided community where a lot of things are janky this country seems to be bent on learning the hard way that men need jobs you can't give women all the jobs and think things are going to run the same as when men had them anyway.. something has to give for my life i feel like so far since i've been in memphis nothing good has happened, the only good things are 1. i can go to church 2. no one is above me at my apartment making noise i am not sure what to make of this, i always thought if the Lord wanted me to move then He would do something soon after.. like maybe open a door for me to have a new career, or give me a spouse (who is not a modern skank who argues with everything i say), or help me to get a house or something.. but so far i haven't seen any of that that's not to say the Lord isn't moving but i'm not going to lie- sometimes i wonder like where is my life headed like did i miss something? is the Lord still willing to help me to get to a place i want to be? nothing has happened in my life in a sense.. like i haven't met anyone interesting, i still work the same job and my job has actually gotten worse, like.. i don't know i just hope the Lord comes through and shows me "hey James you made the right decision to move" or something i haven't really heard anything from God in a while and i know some people may read this and say i'm being negative but i feel that this is important to share because if you are trying to live for God, there may be times where you look around and say "yo this isn't fun" or "yo this doesn't make a lot of sense to me" i think Christians need to share this type of thing.. they need to be open about it.. a lot of Christians will just smile all the time and act like everything is all good but to me that's not really honest.. the truth is the Lord may take everything from you and i'm not saying He won't replace it but you should be mentally prepared.. you should know that every step you take in this walk may not be one that you want to take its just the reality of it but at the same time i am not giving up or anything, i am just hoping the Lord sees that i walked away from a comfortable life to an uncomfortable one to follow His orders and I hope He gives a blessing for that right now i'm just being patient and i'm being 100% honest about it i do miss spring hill sometimes, i do miss being able to see my family whenever, i do miss my old apartment, etc but i am trying to just look forward.. to what? i have absolutely no idea.. but i'm trying to hang in there basically right now i don't know what to do or where to go from here
i had a few dreams that told me to move to west tennessee.. now i'm here and i'm grateful that i get to go to church but i don't know what i'm doing here overall like what is the purpose for me being here outside of just going to church? i could really just watch church online so i don't fully understand why i'm here and i want to know i feel like God has to have something for me but i don't know what there has to be a reason i'm here i hope to find that out soon ++++++++++++++ i've been fascinated with juice wrld lately i guess because vlad has been interviewing bibby about juice recently other people may have their interpretation of his life but mine is this: i feel that juice wrld had a call on his life from the Lord but he ran from it.. he ran instead to worldly music and ignored the Lord no diss to juice, that's just how it looks to me, because he said his mom was God fearing, so to me it seems like he knew better in some instances but he just didn't care he just continued with the sex and drugs and he met a horrendous demise when i say horrendous i mean like.. leaving at such a young age, also leaving with no kids, also leaving so abruptly, etc sometimes i listen to some of his songs and i'm really surprised at some of the things he said like on one song he said something about how he was born to go to hell or something juice reminds me of 2pac a lot.. because they both seemed to predict their own demise and 2pac would sometimes say crazy things too.. like on one song pac said his body would be baptized in eternal flames smh all i can say is i think juice was talented, but he had no brakes juice needed brakes.. primarily lyrically and with the drugs if u have no brakes lyrically- you may find yourself speaking word curses over your life if you have no brakes with drugs you may overdose there are a lot of lessons to be observed in the life and passing of juice wrld one of the main ones is: what does it benefit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? what is success without God? and when i say success, i also mean other things like- relationships u may find yourself enjoying a relationship but you may become aware that God is not in it if God's not in it then the truth is- that relationship isn't worth anything success does not equal righteousness success does not equal peace ++++++++++++++ i have been trying to go without coffee again for the past few days its kinda weird going without it without it i notice i'm not generally as nice i also notice i eat quite a bit less food i'm very grateful that i'm not ADDICTED like i used to be it used to be a situation where, if i didn't get coffee i was just screwed but now by the grace of God i can actually just go without it.. and it may be somewhat annoying in a sense but i feel that its doable ++++++++++++++ it has been super cold the past few days my car has been iced over and i had to basically like "break in" to my own car i hope everything still works fine because i know at one point i pulled the door handle and a piece that is not a part of the handle came off because it was frozen to the handle ++++++++++++++ today is apparently what some call "valentines day" i am happy to say i no longer celebrate this day when i was with my ex i was in a place where i was desiring to transition out of holidays but i had never really thought about it when valentines came i didn't really have a set thought process on holidays but deep down i wanted to transition out of them because they feel like compromise to me so it came up and my ex and i clashed over it but today i'm grateful to just be totally free.. free from trying to make it work with the wrong woman, and free from the pull of holidays that feel like compromise i don't miss any of the holidays i've given up.. well i somewhat miss halloween, but i can do without it ++++++++++++++ thats all i got for now those are my random thoughts peaCe one thing i've noticed over the years is people who are liars oftentimes tend to be very good at lying
they typically would like to attribute their great lying ability to their intelligence, but it is not intelligence the truth i have come to know is that they have a lying spirit if you have a spirit, the spirit assists, coerces, enhances, suggests, and gives ability beyond what a person without that spirit would be able to do without rigorous practice and study i realized this from two places one was from my last relationship where she just lied a lot and lied to the point where i was always confused about everything.. to the point where there was one day she said something and a few minutes later when i repeated it, she said she didn't say it and i didn't even know what to believe another place i realized it was when i watched a guy who did fraud explain how he was cornered by police yet easily lied his way out of their suspicions what i realized is.. these people (especially my ex) were not smart enough to be doing these things on their own, they had help a person can't lie, manipulate, gaslight, deflect, shame you, virtue signal, play dumb, etc etc etc all day everyday and easily switch between methods without some type of help like lets say this was some type of debate class or acting class, it would be intense and hard to switch on and off and change tactics throughout so how is it that people do this all day everyday? again- they have a lying spirit this brings me back to why i no longer bother with women also because i no longer overlook red flags and one red flag u generally find is dishonesty and here's the thing.. if a person has a lying spirit that usually comes with a few other things if someone has a lying spirit they probably also have pride, if they lie and have pride they probably also will cheat in other words- many women i may have dated in the past, i would not date today because they are actual useless whores.. like i could try to make it sound nicer- but they are literally useless whores, making it sound nice doesn't help anything, all it does is make them seem better than they actually are which is a trap in itself have you ever seen someone who can come up with a lie immediately in any situation? have you seen someone who can say something with the utmost conviction, and then say the exact opposite thing the next day with the same amount of conviction? have you seen someone who does wrong and uses their manipulative nature to pass their guilt onto an innocent party? (this is emotional abuse and also indicates a serious lack of empathy) they do these things with help.. they have a lying spirit.. they have a spirit of deception they aren't extra intelligent or anything, they just have a lying spirit and if they have a lying spirit, and the truth is not in them- they are not worth A. being in a relationship with or B. being friends with or C. being around so i just wanted to put this out there.. save yourself the headache and the stress when you recognize someone has this spirit, get away from them 1. the only good thing about women is their looks.. i'm not saying in every case, but in most cases this is the truth
you see this when you meet women who are for the streets, women who abort children, women who are narcissistic, women who lie and cheat, etc etc they have no good traits the crazy part about them being attractive and having good looks is this: the only thing they have going for them is something they had no control over.. the only thing they have going for them is what God gave them.. and some of them even ruin that by drawing all over themselves really think about that though.. try to internalize the fact that the only thing you like about most women is what God gave them.. it really makes you see that A. God is the author of beauty itself and B. women in general probably aren't really as valuable as you originally thought btw.. to anyone who thinks i am dissing women, i am not dissing them- this has been my experience with a lot of women.. i'm not just coming up with this stuff, these are my actual experiences a lot of women today literally only have their looks going for themselves.. when you get to know them you're like "wow, you're actually useless" .. its like a ferrari with no engine.. its like you want it so bad until you realize it doesn't do what it was intended to do 2. going after women leads you nowhere.. people say women like to be pursued but that is false women go after the guys they want.. if you as a man have to go after a woman then she doesn't like you i remember working at this job a while back and there was this guy a lot of the girls liked.. everyday they would hover around his desk smiling, starting conversations, asking him questions, laughing at all of his jokes, etc etc they always tell you to pursue women but if you have to pursue them then it really just means they don't like you you can hit the gym, dress nicer, try to get higher pay, etc.. those things can help to build your confidence and help you to attract women... but just pursuing them without increasing your value will basically get you nowhere don't listen to people when they tell you women like to be pursued, that is a lie that will likely lead you to playing the fool i would like to talk about what it has been like giving up on women
so throughout my 20s it was like i always wanted a woman, but things never worked out in my 30s things started to change and i began seeing women for what they really are then i had a horrible "relationship" that sort of solidified everything i suspected, which... when broken down all the way to the simplest form boils down to- women are basically children.. and just because they can hold a career and dress nice does not change who they are or elevate them.. they are still basically grown up children once i was able to see the truth of women fully, i backed off.. i just left them alone.. because when you understand them, you see that a lot of what they bring to the table is a hindrance or a time waster at best i would say letting go of women has mostly been good.. i don't really see a downside to it when i used to try to impress women and keep them around, i was basically just seeking validation from women.. i wanted them to be close to me and i wanted to have access to them for conversation or for some type of relationship.. but ultimately- like i said, it was just me wanting validation and that led me to living a lie in a sense the lie was that they cared about me.. they really didn't care about me.. i would say the way i know this is because they generally would never reach out to me, it was generally me reaching out.. also sometimes i would not get respect from them.. they would just talk to me any type of way i still want women physically like any guy, however i no longer deceive myself into thinking their opinion of me has value on that note- i would like to point out that women generally have horrible taste in men if you ask any woman in her teens or 20s and even oftentimes 30s- what type of man she wants.. that man is likely to be the opposite of what her father would choose for her her father will choose a man who will provide, protect, love, commit, and actually groom/prune her to make her better she however will choose a man who is attractive on the surface, but who is ultimately selfish because she views that as "strength" ..and generally he will drag her through the mud to some extent because to her its "exciting" .. since to her this is fun- she will not always even understand how these men negatively affect her sometimes it takes a while for a woman to look back and see a fun fling for what it really was- just an ongoing devaluation... it may take her a while to look up and see "wait a minute i used to go on dates, now it seems like all i am is a friend with benefits" by the time they realize the cycle they are in oftentimes it is too late anyway, let me talk about one of the best aspects of letting go of women its this: not having everything you say and do undermined women today are not submissive and they want to argue, nag, and complain about everything.. even something as simple as you having an opinion that is different from hers getting that out of my life has been seriously one of the most freeing things another thing that is great is not having to deal with their whoredom.. i got so tired of dealing with that.. there are so many aspects to that and none of the avenues it takes you down are good you have to deal with constant comparisons to their exes, you also have to deal with the sheer numbers of men she has been with which is likely "we are legion" ..also it brings lies and secrets into the relationship because she is always trying to downplay what she has done, and if she doesn't downplay it- its like she really doesn't respect you and is crass.. like there are soooo many issues i used to try to avoid or navigate around.. i never really thought "hey i can just get away from this woman" so embracing that has done wonders for me.. i no longer have to deal with constant lies and contradictions and games because a woman shows me one side but is a whole different person around other men a certain "ease" has entered my life since i let women go.. financially things are better than they've ever been one thing i've noticed is, if you have the wrong people in your life- it will likely affect multiple aspects of your life i remember when i was with my ex in that toxic relationship i almost got fired from my job, i almost didn't graduate grad school, my car had issues, money was coming and going, etc etc left her alone and literally my boss contacted me and told me i was doing better.. like 2 days after we stopped talking i got a call informing me they accepted my grade and i officially had a masters degree, my parents came over out of nowhere and fixed my bed and helped me put up curtains, got my car fixed, etc etc of course me being ridiculous, i ended up going back to her and falling further.. to the point where i lived with my parents.. but i stopped talking to her again later and got a raise, then i got a better job altogether, then i got a brand new apartment that no one even lived in prior to me my point is- giving up on women is a good thing.. and i believe you can still get married and everything but like.. what i'm saying is, i took myself out of the equation God can bring me whoever He may have for me, but i won't have anything to do with it.. i no longer deal with women like that.. i don't search for women or put forth effort.. i'm not taking a woman out or trying to show her a good time or anything.. if God has someone for me i feel that He will make it known, if He doesn't then i'm fine with being single i could continue this but i have to work holla for now i may do a part 2 of this angela hit me up the other day she was saying she wants a family and she has been depressed lately without it i told her i understand but for me i just want to be able to smash she can't relate to my plight because she has been smashing for like 20 years we are only like 2 weeks apart in age.. i was born in october and she was born in november we had an interesting conversation about the realities of being 36 i told her about how traumatic it was when my mom told me i'm almost 40 and she cracked up laughing ++++++++ anyway.. right now i'm looking at a video documentary on that 90s fight between sega and nintendo ++++++++ church today was cool.. it was about how to bring change in your life.. basically its not always about praying, sometimes its about speaking to a thing.. and there are some factors involved in that but i won't get into that right now ++++++++ one thing i'm looking forward to is seeing whatever new sonic game comes this year.. this year is the 30th anniversary of sonic so hopefully they have a new game on deck.. sonic generations was the 20th anniversary game and that was crack ++++++++ i am grateful i haven't had caffeine in like 4 days i haven't had any headaches or anything i hate caffeine really but i've gone back to it many times oftentimes due to stress ++++++++ thats all i got on my mind right now but this is the song of the day i have tried and tried and tried to get a job
i am tired of it i don't know what to do anymore i feel like an actor who is typecast if you haven't done something no one thinks you can do it if you have done something they want you to keep doing it its like we are basically in a caste system i don't know man, i don't know what else to do.. i think i am going to go back to writing lyrics and writing my book |
enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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