i'm in here listening to my bloody valentine right now
+++++++ it has been cloudy here for like 3 weeks or so, ever since those tornadoes came through.. this is unheard of for tennessee.. i've been living here for nearly 20 years.. usually i would be happy about the constant clouds but given the crap going on lately, it just feels weird +++++++ i was thinking about david icke and his concept of reptilians and i realized in some ways it makes sense and in some ways it doesn't at first when i heard he believes some people are reptilians it seemed very stupid but then when i thought about how satan was a serpent in the bible and many believe eve had sex with a nephilim or something to create cain, then it begins to make sense then my next thought was- well, the flood during noah's time would have killed all reptilians or nephilim or whatever then i thought- well in a sense they could still be here because just like someone can be a son or daughter of God in spirit, they can be a son of the enemy in which case they are still basically a reptilian +++++++ they sent me home from work.. they are making us work from home right now.. i was very upset at the news that they were forcing us to work from home.. today was my second day working from home.. it is not what i want.. i much prefer going to the office to work i am hoping things go back to normal soon it is definitely looking like a lot of the things in revelations are popping off right now tho +++++++ i finally bought a drill set recently it came with a lot for the price drill, impact driver, carrying case, 2 1.5Ah batteries, 1 4Ah battery, charging kit, also 2 bits.. all for $130 +++++++ anyway.. not a ton more to say right now i have a lot of writings in my "drafts" folders so maybe i will try to bring some of that out but peaCe for now
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by the grace of God, my life has been the same since this stuff has been going on
a lot of people are working from home at my job but they kept the office open so i'm still working in the office i like working in the office because i've worked from home before and i found it to be boring.. also i like having work be work and home be home.. i prefer not to have home be work or whatever mentally, imo its better to have them separate +++++++++ ever since i took heed to that dream- i've been sleeping a lot better.. i repented and my sleep got better and i stopped having those horrible thoughts i was having the follow through has been a tad more difficult than i expected though what i've noticed is it can be difficult not having some type of casual relationship with females when they are nearby and they look good, and u both have each other's phone numbers like for example yesterday at work- a pretty girl said she is fat, so my reply was, you're not fat.. and it seems like its small, but as we continue to speak i realize we are having a conversation about her body this is how all of that stuff gets started and i get in these "relationships" with women like what was mentioned in the dream so i have been thinking about changing my phone number because then i just won't have access to females outside of work.. which would definitely help me to create more of a distance +++++++++ i got my taxes and that helped a LOT i had been pretty much broke for a few months so getting that money helped out quite a bit i haven't really bought anything i just paid all of my bills and i've been basically above water which is nice i did get a heating pad though, and i am thinking about getting a drill set though if possible because i still haven't put my curtains up in my apartment +++++++++ anyway, thats all i have for now a girl i met at work said guys are hypocrites, i asked her how and she said 2 things i had to agree with
1. she said guys all want and require freaky behavior from a girl, but ultimately shun and stigmatize women who have engaged in freaky behavior she said she did a survey online and asked men if they would be in a relationship without sex and they all said no.. so she was like if u require sex then why do u diss women for having it? 2. she said guys say they want to feel needed by their woman- but don't want women to ask them for anything she said guys don't want women saying they don't need a man and being overly independent, but at the same time if she asks for something he doesn't want to pay one of her bills or get her car fixed.. doesn't want to pay for dates etc. i want to make it clear that i am not saying i am personally guilty of these things- i am just saying as a whole, i think she was right what do you think? is she right? and i'm not caping for women on this.. i am just genuinely saying these are things we as men should probably acknowledge about ourselves and another thing- i am aware women do hypocritical things also, but this post isn't about that
i want to talk about a recent dream i had
i had this dream and a few days later by the grace of God i was able to get in contact with my pastor to get the interpretation so i will show u the dream here and then below i will give u the interpretation after you read the dream, please take a minute to try and guess the interpretation before reading it.. just for kicks.. all i can say is i was way off on my interpretation ok so before i give u the dream let me just say a quick word on the two people in it josh c: is josh is an old friend from michigan (we text here and there still) cassie: is an old friend from columbia, tn (we dont speak at all and havent for years) this dream was horrible and i wanted to just forget it initially but decided to jot it down instead just in case.. because i think keeping them is kinda like being faithful basically.. and i don't have many of them so i figured why not 3-11-20 Had a dream josh brought over a game to play.. it was like a board game.. it was a daring type of game and i think we had done it before but never like what we were about to do- so when he brought it over he also brought a girl.. the girl was basically cassie.. so he told us how to play it and this time it was supposed to be we had to kill her using household items.. somehow the way he spun it- it didnt sound as bad as that.. he spun it like we were helping her or something because she was depressed and wanted to leave life and somehow i didnt catch on to the fact that we were really going to kill her even tho thats what we were going to do.. it just came across to me like this was going to be that crazy daring game again and we were going to help this girl.. so we started the game and she like laid down and was smiling and ready so josh may have taken a turn (dont fully remember) but i just remember if he did take a turn- then soon his turn was over and it was my turn, all i know is, whether he had a turn or not, his turn wasnt nearly as bad as mine.. so when it came my turn i think josh’s job was to like hold her still or something.. so i got an item and hit her and everything was still kinda in the spirit of “the game” and we were freaked out at how she was “successfully” taking this pain.. but it was a daring game and i guess i wasnt going to lose so i got another household item to use as a weapon and i used that on her and things were getting worse as i got more violent and creative.. but the girl was still pretty silent- we were just amazed she was taking the pain.. so then (again the main object was to kill her using household objects) so i finally got this heat iron that black women use to straighten their hair and i started burning the top of her head with it.. and this sort of brought the humanity back into the game.. but by the time i began realizing the humanity- it was kinda like i also realized i couldnt stop because look at all the damage we have already done to her, we made her life worse all the while promising to “make it better” by essentially putting her out of her misery.. so now the game isnt really feeling like a game as much and is starting to look like im just harming a girl.. so i basically melt her head some and shes still alive and so she starts really begging for us to kill her or at least stop because of the pain.. well at this point i cant really do either one.. i cant stop and send her out because i realize everyone will know what we did to her and they will wonder why and they will severely punish us, and a “game” will not be a good excuse.. and i am trying to kill her but the more she screams and writhes in pain, the less i want to continue.. so basically i just have to suck it up and finish the job so i continue burning her head and face and it got to where josh and i just had to also stab her to death together because she just wouldnt really die and seeing her in pain was horrible. (i think josh kinda got a kick out of it) so anyway, i basically lost the “game” because josh had to help me finish the job so we just stabbed and beat her until she died and finally the game was over.. this had taken a lot out of me but josh wasnt nearly as affected.. we needed to cover this whole ordeal up, so we hid her away and we had to go somewhere so when we left i was acutely aware that this scarred me and i probably would never be the same and i was upset with myself for not understanding it wasnt a “game” this was real life.. i wasnt helping that girl or putting her out of her misery or being daring or any of that, i just brutally killed this girl and that was it.. so josh and i arrived somewhere and we had to act normal but he was kinda acting too normal almost like to him it was still an intense daring game in his mind and it was as if it didnt click for him as much as it did for me that we just did this horrible thing and we had no one to blame but ourselves and our stupidity because we allowed the game to blind us from humanity.. it wasnt “exciting” it was violent.. it wasnt “fun” it was horrible, it wasnt “competitive” it was demonic, basically every reason we played the game was a lie, and we (really just me) was left with this mental scar and i just didnt think i would ever be the same.. and so when we had left and went somewhere- i was with josh and around these other people and i was trying to act normal but i was realizing internally that i would never be the same and i was just sitting in this thought, and i was feeling horrible and i just basically was trying to come to terms with it and after a while i woke up ok now do your thing and try to figure out the meaning ok time's up so now let me give u the meaning i called my pastor when i was on break at work and he broke it down for me i really had no clue but i was kinda thinking the dream was along the lines of "i'm doomed" or something and i was getting pretty frightened but when he broke it down it wasn't as bad as i was imagining so basically.. the Lord was telling me to A. stop being casual with women B. repent of hurting women when i say "being casual" what i mean is like, being friends with them, flirting with them, coming into their world and kicking my feet up so to speak basically, women apparently don't have real male friends, so when i am "friends" with women, they are thinking we might have a future together.. but i am legit thinking we are just cool typically i have my reasons for not wanting to be with my female friends, i may think they are not trustworthy, or i may think they are crazy, or i may be disgusted by their past, or i may find them unattractive but i still like them as people.. i am cool with them but i don't want them "like that" well this apparently gives women the wrong idea so i have to stop building up a familiarity with women because they are oftentimes developing feelings while i just legit like talking to them, and i'm not developing any feelings now when it comes to the "repent of hurting women" part.. that is because even though i didn't realize this has hurt women in my life- it has and the Lord hasn't been pleased with it i have unknowingly hurt a number of women by being cool with them and being friendly, simply because they are seeing it like we are heading somewhere when we really aren't i genuinely have just enjoyed talking to women like "hey how's your day?" or "what's your opinion on this?" type stuff, but in their world- the fact that i reach out and interact is evidence that we may have something and they are creating scenarios and developing expectancy when that's not where i want to take it so i have to repent of hurting women this way now that u have that background- let me get more into the dream when it comes to the board game... it ended up not being a game at all so that basically means, i have thought it was fun to have conversations with women and enjoy each other's company, but to them it's not a fun game, to them its a very serious thing.. and i almost want to say that to them its as serious as life and death, because that's the situation cassie was in its like that fantasia song where she says "if you don't want me, then don't talk to me" i remember hearing that song a long time ago and thinking it was stupid.. like why do i have to want u to talk to u? but that's apparently how women think men may see women as friends but generally women don't see men as friends.. for women- they are usually holding out hope, or that guy is an ex she keeps around, or she is keeping him on standby, or something ++++++++++ sidenote: this is really something that kinda disgusts me about women because in my mind they have ulterior motives for their actions.. its not genuine when they say things.. like if they say they "have a male friend," or if they say "come help me fix my car," or if they say "i want u to taste my cooking" etc etc.. its like basically whatever they say really means something else it is hurtful to me also because i remember my ex g/f saying she had a "male friend" for like 4 months out of our relationship which explains a lot.. like why she was always acting crazy doing the hot and cold attitude thing, also explains why she came out the blue with bacterial vaginosis, also explains why after a while i just always felt uneasy around her, also explains why she would say things like "u do u and i'll do me" seemingly out of nowhere, oh yeah- and it also explains why she never mentioned this "male friend" ..because if it was really a legit friend then she wouldn't have had an issue mentioning him, but she never did.. i used to always have this image pop up in my head of me hugging her, but her back was turned to me.. so it was like this image where i cared about her and my attention was attuned to her, but her attention and her mind and heart were somewhere else anyway.. i'm not here to rehash any of that- truth is i pretend i never met her now.. but i figured i would share that so that tidbit (maybe it will help any blue pilled guys who read this to snap out of it) ++++++++++ ok back to the dream and the symbolism ok so like i said, what i thought was a fun game, (like being familiar with females, and flirting with them, and being cool with them) really is not a fun game, its more serious than i thought now when it comes to her pain in the dream that symbolized the fact that women can put up with this for a while.. but over time it becomes too much for them they can act buddy buddy with u for a while but over time they will feel the sting of u not "biting" they will feel like you're rejecting them they will feel like you are purposely leading them to believe you will be together and then yanking the rug from under them i can attest to this because there have been times when women have sort of gone off on me for nothing.. i guess to them its something.. but to me its nothing.. because to me if we are friends then that's all it is but to them "friends" is not that.. its something more i remember one time for example, this girl went off on me because i told her i didn't want people thinking she was my girlfriend or one time this other girl ignored me completely for years because i told her another girl didn't want me to visit her when i was in town basically, if women aren't attracted to u on some level or if they don't think there could be something between you two on some level, then they don't want to talk to u AT ALL (which explains why women don't even associate with unattractive men on any level.. u never even see them shooting the breeze with the short, fat, balding janitor.. and when u see their male "friends," they are always potential boyfriends) as men we don't think this way.. like u don't have to be cute or be relationship material to be cool with us.. we will shoot the breeze with u and have fun with u or share a meal with you even if we ultimately find u to be unattractive and/or undesirable but women think this way and this is why ur female friends act diff when u get in a relationship.. a true friend would act the same, but women are seeing it like "dang one of my backups is leaving the stable" or "shoot, maybe i should have tried harder to keep him around" or "why didn't he pick me?" so that explains the "pain" aspect of the dream.. cassie took the pain easily until it became unbearable, and it represents the fact that women will act cool and familiar with u for a while.. but over time it just becomes too much for them to handle.. and just like how cassie wanted us to stop or finish the job- women want us to either leave them alone completely, or direct the relationship toward commitment and/or marriage ok so now let me say a few things about the people in the dream i didn't realize why the Lord used cassie and josh at first because they are not very prominent people in my life today but after i got off the phone with the pastor and i thought about it- i realized why He used those two in particular i believe He used cassie because cassie was a girl i went through a lot of this "friend or more than friend" stuff with she was the one i mentioned who got mad at me when i said i didn't want people thinking she was my girlfriend we used to hang out and joke and go places and we were platonic.. but she wanted more.. come to think of it- she is who i based my song "guilty" on.. and of course i never smashed or anything but it was based on her and how if i was a different type of guy, i would have just used her up completely and left.. being who i am, we just spent time together and enjoyed ourselves platonically- but i guess i was still basically "guilty" because i still hurt her (even though i didn't use her for anything but legit friendship)
the things i'm describing must be why women think men are so "insensitive"
because they think we think the way they think.. and we don't.. sometimes they think we are rejecting them when the truth is we don't have any idea what they are mad about but let me move on to josh i believe the Lord used him in the dream because he has told me on multiple occasions about how he sleeps with different women i remember one day a long time ago i was like hey man why don't u have facebook? because i wanted to keep up with him in a casual way.. but he said he didn't have it because basically he was having relations with multiple women and he didn't want any of them knowing about each other and causing drama that was well over a decade ago and as far as i know he is still out here smashing different women.. he broke up with a longtime g/f last year and not too long afterward, he was telling me about all these other girls he was sleeping with and he hadn't been broken up that long at the time at all so my point in saying all of that is- imo, he represents a lot of other men out there- or maybe i should say.. he represents the guys women are used to dealing with i am me- i am more of just a genuine type of guy.. i am not out here on the prowl trying to use women and keep it moving like nothing happened but most women have a history of being with guys like josh.. i mean based on his body count- i can see why most women think that's all men because guys like him are touching many women and giving them the impression that we are all that way ++++++++++++ sidenote: this confirms what i say about how most women are all smashing the same guys.. which is why women have a higher percentage of having kids than men, and why women have more stds than men on average.. because its just one guy giving 5 women kids.. or 1 guy giving 7 women an std ++++++++++++ so anyway, this is why josh wasn't really negatively affected by the killing of cassie.. because in real life, he doesn't care that he is having sex with so many women with no plans on committing or even calling them back he doesn't care that they gave him their highest level of intimacy, he doesn't value it past the pleasure it brings.. so in the dream he didn't much care about what we did to cassie, i remember in the dream he sort of acted like he understood the gravity of what we did- but i could tell that's kinda all it was- an act so in the end, when i felt really bad about what we did- it showed that i have a conscience and actually do care about women enough to not want to see them in pain, and i don't want to destroy them but i have hurt them with my actions of being close to them without intention of taking things into a "romantic" (for lack of a better word) territory so there u have it.. that is the interpretation of the dream so from here i must keep a distance from women.. i can no longer build a familiarity with them and i also must repent of hurting them one crazy thing that happened is this.. after i had the dream i jotted it down, then went about my day and went to work as usual when i got to work i turned on my computer and my computer has those electronic sticky notes on it, and at the top of my sticky note it said "cassy" so that must've been the last person i was working with the night prior.. it tripped me out so much i took a picture
ok so the last thing i want to say is this
it is very interesting to me that the Lord felt this was important enough to bring to my attention i wouldn't have thought He would speak on something like this, but here are some of my guesses as to why He spoke on this 1. He doesn't want me hurting anyone else 2. He wants me to cut ties with wrong women to make room for the right one 3. repenting of this may bring about a certain freedom, renewal, or breakthrough for me for anyone who got this far, thanks for reading- why not leave a comment and tell me what u think? do u have dreams also? do u seek the interpretation? i think dreams are important, the Bible talks about how sometimes the Lord speaks to us through them believe it or not, i do not like some of the "best" black shows that have come out
martin, living single, fresh prince, etc the reason is essentially because we laughed with them all the way into sinful lives when you look at the 70s and 80s shows, they were jokes and didn't include sexual immorality- and if they did, they were properly seen as being negative however the 90s brought about sitcoms that made fornication the norm fresh prince was out there smashing whoever martin and gina didn't get married for years on that show living single was just a ton of aimless fornication older shows weren't like that.. no one was living like that on urkel, diff'rent strokes, cosby, or the jeffersons so i contend that we laughed our way into normalizing sexual immorality i was there.. i was a kid watching all the shows in the 90s and enjoying them like everyone else, but looking back they were horrible we all sat back and smiled and laughed until no one really took sexual morals seriously anymore people just started imitating what they saw on tv "hey martin can have sex outside of marriage for 5 years and he's fine, why shouldn't i do the same?" we allowed the enemy into our homes through these seemingly harmless tv programs people started shacking up more, having more flings, they started losing their sense of morality.. and today what we have is this crazy cesspool good luck finding a wife out of this bunch of female wildebeasts we have today good luck having a real family dealing with the selfishness of people who have only practiced using others for the purposes of self gratification we all laughed and giggled our way into this nonsense we allowed the tv to alter our beliefs and devalue sex, relationships, and righteousness so all in all.. i truly look back and remember how funny all those 90s sitcoms were- but my memories are mired by the filth that accompanied these shows to any man reading this i want u to think about the last few women you came across who u really liked- but who had children out of wedlock part of the reason is because of these shows when u are out here looking for wife material but all you find is single mothers with baggage, hangups and trust issues, i want you to realize part of the reason these women are ran through- is because we all laughed our way into letting go of our sexual restraints back in the 90s my mind has been jumbled with a lot of thoughts.. its 3am
i just figured i would try to get some things out or whatever so here i am +++++++++++++++ one thing is- i have realized i have no one to talk to.. there is no one i can actually relate to in my life at the end of the day there is no one who i can really have a conversation with where we see eye to eye when it comes to males, sometimes i think they are blue pilled.. when i perceive that a male is blue pilled, right off i know we won't relate on a lot of things when it comes to females, i have just sort of realized they seem to always have an ulterior motive.. they never seem to really be "present" in anything without an underlying reason so what i mean by this is- generally there is a motive that keeps them in your life, so what u as a man think is a friendship is not always as genuine as u may have initially assumed so those are just some examples of why i am not close to some people there are more factors but overall, i just am not close to anyone.. there is no one i can really talk to and have a conversation where we are in tune there is female i have in mind who i may be able to talk to and perhaps develop a serious relationship with- however at this point we would have to reconnect and i am not currently sure how to go about that +++++++++++++++ lately i have been plagued with very negative thoughts at night i am not sure how to deal with these thoughts.. one thing i can say though is the lack of peace in my mind has gotten me to start reading my bible again which is a great thing i started reading it and i realized i really hadn't touched it in a while i need to dedicate quiet time to spending time with the Lord that way, and it can open up more avenues for Him to speak to me +++++++++++++++ i bought skullcandy crusher headphones last year they are the best headphones i've ever purchased i ended up dropping them and breaking them a few weeks ago.. but as soon as i got the money i bought them again then when i opened the new pair i bought.. i saw the warranty paper i immediately thought- "why didn't i think of that?" so i ended up sending the broken pair to skullcandy and they accepted it and sent me a brand new pair still sealed in the box so now i have 2 pair of these headphones no one is paying me to say this, but these headphones are great and i highly recommend them.. i like them so much that i think i may try to just keep both pair i could sell a pair, or give a pair away or whatever, but i think i just want to keep both and have one as a backup +++++++++++++++ so i have still noticed this girl at my job whose boyfriend in jail sometimes asks me for things like when i told her i ended up with two pairs of headphones she said "let me have one, you don't need two" she also asked for a couple other things recently i don't give her anything though because like... she is cool and i like her but i feel that it doesn't benefit me to do things for a woman who has a boyfriend and i know he is in prison but still.. it is just kinda weird for me to do things for someone who is spoken for what would i be getting out of it aside from a "good boy" and a pat on the head? and i don't need her to do anything for me but its just about the principle of the matter a lot of good men are tasked with being reliable for women meanwhile a lot of "bad boys" are the ones who are given "privileges" i am just not living my life that way, and this sort of ties into what i was saying about how i can't fully relate to men who are blue pilled a blue pilled man might be like "hey do these things for her, and maybe she will reciprocate" but the truth is, i know better than that its called dual mating strategy, and women do it all the time we must protect ourselves from the modern woman's predatory nature that was the end of that segment, but lets just explore this a tad further ok so she told me at work that her b/f can possibly get out of prison this month so lets say i gave her my headphones, then 2 weeks later her boyfriend gets out of prison she may not even open the box, she may just hand them to him as a "welcome home" gift so then i would have effectively given up something i actually care about and enjoy to a complete stranger.. and not even to a good samaritan stranger, but to a guy who has really just been in the streets scenarios like these are why we cannot freely give to women just because they are pretty we must use discretion.. it would make no sense for me to give my substance away to some random guy who commits crimes and impregnates multiple women.. but by giving to this female, in some cases- that is what i would be doing +++++++++++++++ my old church moved like 3 hours away i took the trip out there and went to my old church recently and i enjoyed it i miss being around real believers i'm not sure what i am going to do, because i tried to move out there but it didn't work out.. i was out there broke and just like "ok what am i supposed to do?" so i ended up coming back however i don't really think i can find another church to attend to replace it i remember the pastor bringing up things like buying and selling in the church, and he pointed out how upset Jesus was when people were doing those things.. and he said "it's still that way" something that "small" has kept me from being able to really take other churches seriously, because 9 times out of 10, they are buying and selling in the church other random things i don't agree with in many churches are things like.. -when churches celebrate easter.. and they do things like easter egg hunts... all the egg and rabbit things come from pagan fertility rituals.. i am happy to celebrate what Christ did on the cross but i don't agree with partaking in the name, rituals, and holiday of "easter" ... same deal with christmas and some other "holidays" -the "men aren't as smart as women" jokes and comments u hear in some modern churches... i don't agree with this and its actually against the bible, seeing as how the bible says that the man is the head of the woman so any comments and jokes about how a man is getting in trouble with his wife, or "happy wife happy life" or anything of the sort is just not legit to me at all -when they bring the world into the church.. u see this a lot in the praise and worship of some modern churches.. they will bring in worldly songs and sing them to the Lord which i don't agree with so those are just some random things i don't like about many churches.. and those are some of the reasons why i don't even want to try different churches because the likelihood of them doing some of these things are fairly high i would like to attend my old church but i am a bit stumped on how i am supposed to support myself in that part of tennessee +++++++++++++++ anyway, i feel like there is more to say but i think i want to lay back down for now.. holla back |
enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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