my mind has been jumbled with a lot of thoughts.. its 3am
i just figured i would try to get some things out or whatever so here i am +++++++++++++++ one thing is- i have realized i have no one to talk to.. there is no one i can actually relate to in my life at the end of the day there is no one who i can really have a conversation with where we see eye to eye when it comes to males, sometimes i think they are blue pilled.. when i perceive that a male is blue pilled, right off i know we won't relate on a lot of things when it comes to females, i have just sort of realized they seem to always have an ulterior motive.. they never seem to really be "present" in anything without an underlying reason so what i mean by this is- generally there is a motive that keeps them in your life, so what u as a man think is a friendship is not always as genuine as u may have initially assumed so those are just some examples of why i am not close to some people there are more factors but overall, i just am not close to anyone.. there is no one i can really talk to and have a conversation where we are in tune there is female i have in mind who i may be able to talk to and perhaps develop a serious relationship with- however at this point we would have to reconnect and i am not currently sure how to go about that +++++++++++++++ lately i have been plagued with very negative thoughts at night i am not sure how to deal with these thoughts.. one thing i can say though is the lack of peace in my mind has gotten me to start reading my bible again which is a great thing i started reading it and i realized i really hadn't touched it in a while i need to dedicate quiet time to spending time with the Lord that way, and it can open up more avenues for Him to speak to me +++++++++++++++ i bought skullcandy crusher headphones last year they are the best headphones i've ever purchased i ended up dropping them and breaking them a few weeks ago.. but as soon as i got the money i bought them again then when i opened the new pair i bought.. i saw the warranty paper i immediately thought- "why didn't i think of that?" so i ended up sending the broken pair to skullcandy and they accepted it and sent me a brand new pair still sealed in the box so now i have 2 pair of these headphones no one is paying me to say this, but these headphones are great and i highly recommend them.. i like them so much that i think i may try to just keep both pair i could sell a pair, or give a pair away or whatever, but i think i just want to keep both and have one as a backup +++++++++++++++ so i have still noticed this girl at my job whose boyfriend in jail sometimes asks me for things like when i told her i ended up with two pairs of headphones she said "let me have one, you don't need two" she also asked for a couple other things recently i don't give her anything though because like... she is cool and i like her but i feel that it doesn't benefit me to do things for a woman who has a boyfriend and i know he is in prison but still.. it is just kinda weird for me to do things for someone who is spoken for what would i be getting out of it aside from a "good boy" and a pat on the head? and i don't need her to do anything for me but its just about the principle of the matter a lot of good men are tasked with being reliable for women meanwhile a lot of "bad boys" are the ones who are given "privileges" i am just not living my life that way, and this sort of ties into what i was saying about how i can't fully relate to men who are blue pilled a blue pilled man might be like "hey do these things for her, and maybe she will reciprocate" but the truth is, i know better than that its called dual mating strategy, and women do it all the time we must protect ourselves from the modern woman's predatory nature that was the end of that segment, but lets just explore this a tad further ok so she told me at work that her b/f can possibly get out of prison this month so lets say i gave her my headphones, then 2 weeks later her boyfriend gets out of prison she may not even open the box, she may just hand them to him as a "welcome home" gift so then i would have effectively given up something i actually care about and enjoy to a complete stranger.. and not even to a good samaritan stranger, but to a guy who has really just been in the streets scenarios like these are why we cannot freely give to women just because they are pretty we must use discretion.. it would make no sense for me to give my substance away to some random guy who commits crimes and impregnates multiple women.. but by giving to this female, in some cases- that is what i would be doing +++++++++++++++ my old church moved like 3 hours away i took the trip out there and went to my old church recently and i enjoyed it i miss being around real believers i'm not sure what i am going to do, because i tried to move out there but it didn't work out.. i was out there broke and just like "ok what am i supposed to do?" so i ended up coming back however i don't really think i can find another church to attend to replace it i remember the pastor bringing up things like buying and selling in the church, and he pointed out how upset Jesus was when people were doing those things.. and he said "it's still that way" something that "small" has kept me from being able to really take other churches seriously, because 9 times out of 10, they are buying and selling in the church other random things i don't agree with in many churches are things like.. -when churches celebrate easter.. and they do things like easter egg hunts... all the egg and rabbit things come from pagan fertility rituals.. i am happy to celebrate what Christ did on the cross but i don't agree with partaking in the name, rituals, and holiday of "easter" ... same deal with christmas and some other "holidays" -the "men aren't as smart as women" jokes and comments u hear in some modern churches... i don't agree with this and its actually against the bible, seeing as how the bible says that the man is the head of the woman so any comments and jokes about how a man is getting in trouble with his wife, or "happy wife happy life" or anything of the sort is just not legit to me at all -when they bring the world into the church.. u see this a lot in the praise and worship of some modern churches.. they will bring in worldly songs and sing them to the Lord which i don't agree with so those are just some random things i don't like about many churches.. and those are some of the reasons why i don't even want to try different churches because the likelihood of them doing some of these things are fairly high i would like to attend my old church but i am a bit stumped on how i am supposed to support myself in that part of tennessee +++++++++++++++ anyway, i feel like there is more to say but i think i want to lay back down for now.. holla back
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enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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