on 2.25.22 i did an entry explaining all the reasons why i stayed with a narcissist
i said i wanted to break the reasons down one day... so that is what i plan to do in this entry these reasons are in no particular order, but these all are the things that kept me in a horrible relationship i am just explaining this to basically show that it wasn't exactly as simple as "just walk away" i mean it was that simple in a sense.. but there were factors that made me hesitant to do that trauma bonds - we argued a lot.. this had the effect of making me feel like walking away from her would be walking away from the work i put in to solving our relationship issues.. "solving our relationship issues" was basically just arguing.. it felt like work, and walking away felt like leaving something i put a significant amount of effort into wanting a relationship - i hadn't had a relationship for over a decade when i met her i had a complex - i was with a girl for like 4 years prior to this toxic relationship and in that relationship i felt like i messed things up between us.. so i always wanted another chance, i always wanted to prove i could be a good boyfriend.. this caused me to overlook some of her horrible behavior and it caused me to focus on making her happy without thinking about my own needs.. i was basically trying to subconsciously fix my old relationship through the new one if that makes sense... like basically treating the new relationship like a do-over of my previous one.. but the truth is there are no do-overs and we just have to accept that she was fine - she was basically a 10 out of 10 for me looks-wise i received some bad advice - i reached out to some people for help on how to deal with this toxic relationship and some of them gave me bad advice that basically put me in a mindset to reward this chick's bad behavior and overlook her ridiculous behavior rebelling against disposal culture - i don't like how these days when u don't like someone u ghost them, or you just block them, or whatever.. i don't like how we just throw people in the trash and i didn't want our relationship to just be yet another situation that ended in two people never speaking again over something that might've been fixable reverse psychology - i ended up looking it up and she darvo'd me a few times.. darvo means (i'm recalling it off the top of my head so don't quote me) deny, attack, reverse victim and offender... basically u deny fault, u attack the other person, and you reverse the roles.. she did that to me sometimes.. sometimes i'd be angry and about to break up with her, but before i knew it she was angry and about to break up with me.. then i'd go home and just be like "what just happened?" she was just like a weirdo manipulator that way no sense of self - this is something i will have to talk about extensively one day.. but basically.. in the context of this relationship i would say the way this manifested was in my lack of regard for myself, my feelings, my wants, and my desires.. i never thought about myself so i never sat and thought "i don't want to be with a girl who lies" or "i don't want to be with a girl who manipulates" or "i don't want to be with a girl who nags and complains" or "i don't want to be with a girl who i can't trust" etc etc etc....... i just never really thought about myself at all.. i just wanted to make her happy.. so when she did horrible things to me, it was like they weren't registering the way they should have.. they were unpleasant, but i wasn't thinking about myself enough to go into a mindset of "i value myself more than this relationship" i just didn't have much of a concept of self... if this is hard to understand, i'll give an example.. think of going to work.. u may not like your job but u don't generally think "i don't like this i'm leaving" .. u don't put self's desires above your job generally... generally u put the job above self's desires.. that's kinda how i was in the relationship so all in all, these things explain how i found myself caught up in a toxic relationship with a narcissist
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enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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