i would like to have my own website.. meaning like.. not on weebly.. that is kinda what i would like to try and focus on this year
part of the reason i have not posted as much on this site is because i have not been able to design it the way i want there was also the lack of a desk i had when i lived with family.. but also i don't like how weebly got rid of the best templates and options.. like i haven't been able to get my design back the way i used to really like it so if anyone is reading this and has any ideas on how i can make my own website please let me know what to do.. whether its a class, or a book, or whatever it is.. i want to have my own site that's not on another host thing ++++++++++++++++ right now i'm listening to koi no yokan.. i remember i bought this album the same time i got ni no kuni back in 2013.. at the time i was still in undergrad, i was finishing undergrad and just listening to this album a lot because it was good for background music i never thought this album was really great.. i always kinda rated it about a 7 or so.. but its nice to put on sometimes i definitely love the album cover also.. when u see it you don't really know what it is.. maybe one day i will get back into deftones.. i bought that gore album a few years ago but i literally threw it away within the same hour i bought it i bought the album at target.. i opened it and i was walking back to my car and inside it had the lyrics.. so i started reading as i was walking to my car.. and the first song said something like "i have a strange godless demon inside of me" and i was like.... yyyyyyyyyyyeah i'm not listening to this ++++++++++++++++ in the first part of this post i said something about when i was living with family i just want to point out that i realized it sounds way better to say you're living with family than to say you're living with your parents if you say "i'm staying with family" its like people hear "ok he's going through some things and needs to stay with them until he gets back on his feet" if you say "i live with my parents" people just hear "loser" that just occurred to me one day and it seems to really hold up.. i guess we all could use some PR at some points in our lives ++++++++++++++++ i have said a prayer recently sort of trying to address my prior negative relationships i kinda asked the Lord to remove any remaining unforgiveness toward the women who i feel did me wrong and i also asked for His forgiveness because when i knew i shouldn't pursue some of these females, i did so anyway.. i also asked Him to help me forgive myself for my own stupidity because i ultimately put myself through their abuse.. i could have left any day or put an end to things at any moment.. but i didn't i kinda feel like i need to forgive myself primarily because that appears to be what bothers me the most.. thinking back to allowing a woman to talk to me any type of way i've had girls tell me to my face "i'm having sex with other men that's why my butt's getting bigger" they've called me the n-word and all types of disrespectful things.. i don't care if they are black too.. if i don't call u out of your name then you don't need to do that to me but i put up with a lot of horrible behavior and from time to time it has hurt me to think back on those moments i have to forgive myself for staying and trying to make things work with toxic females i believe i am ready to let go and just continue on with life as long as i never put up with that crap again, then maybe the pain was not completely in vain ++++++++++++++++ by the grace of God i was able to give up coffee in december.. i may have already talked about this but who cares i will talk about it again i decided i would like to not only give up coffee, but also caffeine.. i also decided, if i ever REALLY REALLY want caffeine, i could possibly just get a sunkist orange pop because those only have like 20mg of caffeine a dr pepper has about 40mg a starbucks doubleshot espresso has about 150mg i used to drink an average of 2 doubleshot espressos per day i had so many issues dehydration, anger/short fuse, sinus issues, twitches in my face, heart palpitations, the list goes on.. so i hope i can really stay away from caffeine from here on, and i feel like if end up really wanting it, and i drink some sunkist, i won't feel like i played myself or "relapsed" because it has such a low amount in there ++++++++++++++++ this has nothing to do with anything.. but gambit and jubilee were always my favorite x-men ++++++++++++++++ i was blessed today to get a new jacket and matching gloves.. hand me downs from family but really nice the jacket by itself is flames.. i didn't even know the gloves existed, so when i put them on i was pleasantly surprised.. that leather bomber an those gloves got ya boy lookin like my man launchpad mcquack i'm ready for anything ++++++++++++++++ i have really changed a lot of my opinions over time if any of u heard my song called "over it" and compared it to my older stuff u can see some of the difference in how i think there because in there i'm saying "i'm over chasing women" basically.. but in the past i was more putting women on a pedestal and sort of hoping one would stay with me i don't really think highly of women anymore.. and that's not a diss, its just... after 10 or 15 years of reality not matching with fantasy, you realize you need to believe reality i don't plan on ever making another song talking about a woman's beauty at all because i don't find it to be important or even interesting anymore i even find myself sometimes thinking to myself, i would totally date some of the females i've rejected in the past who i didn't think were pretty.. because today when it comes to women i can really only see behavior i mean i do see beauty.. but exceptional behavior is the only thing that really moves me anymore i kinda sit and recognize lust for what it is, and it doesn't have the same pull on me that it may have had in the past because beauty isn't helping me do anything it isn't helping me in my relationship with God, it isn't particularly fun to be around because beauty is oftentimes arrogant, beauty isn't helping pay my bills, beauty isn't giving me peace of mind that a woman is trustworthy, etc etc but a woman with exceptional behavior is helping me with my relationship with God, she is humble and not arrogant, she is helpful, she is trustworthy, etc etc its really weird seeing myself change the way i have.. even if you would have spoke to me 1 yr ago.. beauty would still have been important to me but.... one thing i've noticed is, a woman who is not particularly attractive can still give you the same sexual pleasure a pretty woman can... so at the end of the day what are u really missing? it has taken me a while to get to this place... i do recognize this as a true enlightenment for myself a pretty woman with a stank attitude can't give u anything good but an unattractive woman with a good attitude can give u everything u want.. the beauty part might even come later as u grown in your love for her.. maybe over time she will go from a 4 to an 8 in your eyes its weird to see my viewpoint change so much but it has happened i literally do not care about beauty anymore.. i still see it and enjoy it but i'm at a point where i could see myself being happy with some chick who is just not cute ++++++++++++++++ anyway.. these are my thoughts for now i hope u all r doing well.. koi no yokan is almost done playing i'll holla
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enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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