in the recent post i did called "move on" i said there were some things i never told anyone about that horrendous "relationship" i had
i will explain two things i never told anyone ok here is one i remember i wanted to see her one day and she was hesitant to come over so i offered to give her gas money if she came over she eventually said she would come over but she was like "but u better give me gas money" and yeah i had already offered it but that's how wack she was.. she only agreed to come over if i did that and she basically was like demanding it which made it way worse like i didn't mind offering it.. but when she said "you better give me gas money" it was like it took on a different feel she ended up coming over and i gave her whatever i had in my wallet which i think was $16 and she still just treated me like crap.. no matter what i did she treated me like dirt it left me feeling like i was paying her for her attention and she would bring whole loads of laundry to my apartment to wash.. even if she didn't ask, she would bring whole loads and then ask me to get them out of her car for her.. because she didn't have a washing machine so it was like, i'm letting her wash all her clothes, i'm giving her gas money, and when we would go out i would pay for her food so all in all that was the first thing i wanted to share.. she just made me feel horrible like she wouldn't be around if i didn't give her everything.. like she never made me feel like she really wanted to be with me so that was the first thing.. and that was mad embarassing for me to admit just now but let me tell something else i never told anyone ok so for this one i have to give some background to make it make sense ok so one thing i learned the hard way was my girlfriend was a narcissist another thing i learned the hard way was that narcissists will not be emotionally intimate with you when you are in a relationship with someone who will not be emotionally intimate with you- it affects you i remember distinctly getting to a place where i was just clamoring for something to "relate" to or feel "close" to in some way.. i specifically remember i had a strong desire to go find a season of curb your enthusiasm on dvd because at the time i needed something that i felt connected to it may sound weird but this is true.. i had a mission to go find a season of that show and i'm not sure if i knew it at the time but i know now it was because i had no connection with my girlfriend so i was like "i will be able to watch this show and connect with the characters and the sense of humor" because in a relationship with a narc they will not meet eye to eye with you on anything.. even simple things like asking your spouse to try some food on your plate, or try a drink or something.. they won't do it.. they will just say no and so you don't get to have the connection and the conversation that would come from someone who does things with you or agrees to see and experience what you see and experience ANYWAY so i was dealing with this and i eventually started talking to an old friend on the phone it felt really good to talk to her and so now i'm getting to what i wanted to share i was feeling all of those feelings of "my girl is not meeting any of my emotional desires" .. and i was just feeling low about it and one thing my girl never did was, she was never grateful for anything.. i had to beg her to say thank you for things and it just became a huge ordeal to where i finally told her to never say thank you to me because i got tired of her saying "i know you want me to say thank you, so thank you" like she made it a chore so anyway, i was in this weak space, and this girl i was talking to on the phone was treating me really well, just being attentive, listening, sharing, and being grateful- while my actual girl wasn't doing any of those things while i had to beg my girl for a thank you this other girl from the phone actually told me she was grateful because i had made her a song mind you this song at that point was TWELVE YEARS OLD but this girl was STILL telling me the song uplifted her and meant a lot to her, she really told me it meant a lot to her and it felt so good to hear at that time that i didn't know what to do with myself so anyway in one of our conversations she said something about how sometimes she didn't have a lot of money all the time.. she said sometimes she had to borrow money from her mom we laughed about it but later i went and got her a card and put $200 in it and sent it to her so there it is.. i never told anyone that i was in a relationship with a horrible girl, i started talking to a girl i knew and we had some good conversations and she sort of filled a hole for me.. she provided me with love, support, a listening ear when my horrible ex wouldn't provide me with any of these things and i didn't know what to do with myself i just felt so down but she helped uplift me so much that i just sent her $200 in a card.. unprompted.. she didn't ask for it, didn't expect it- nothing and i never told my actual girl what i did the girl from the phone was very grateful again and i don't even regret sending it because her presence meant a lot to me at the time and let me tell you something i would have LOVED to do something that cool for my actual girl at the time but she was a horrible skank who treated me like scum i would have loved to buy her some things, or hand her some money, or just do something out of the blue but i couldn't.. she was terrible to me, always arguing with everything i said, always upset, always being secretive, always just being a source of pain and stress so anyway.. those are two things i never told anyone that happened when i was with my ex recap 1. when i was with my ex i was reduced to not being able to even see her unless i essentially paid her... smh 2. i couldn't get my girl to express gratitude even when i took her out and paid for parking and bought her dinner at a nice restaurant.. but a girl i talked to on the phone expressed gratitude over a song i made for her 12 years prior.. (what a contrast, smh) so i sent the girl i talked to on the phone $200 in a card unprompted
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enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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