i have been realizing lately my life's biggest missing ingredient
i think that ingredient is someone i can talk to i don't really have anyone i feel comfortable talking to about any and everything at any moment when i say comfortable i mean like.. someone where i can tell them whatever is on my mind and they can tell me whatever is on their mind one of my biggest pet peeves is when you tell someone something and they say "oh ok" i am not joking when i say that has truly gotten under my skin throughout the years and that type of thing is essentially what i feel i would never have to deal with if i had someone i could talk to about anything i do feel like i had this in the past when i was with my old ex g/f chrissy.. she was always open to talking to me about anything.. i have not found that again since.. and that may sound somewhat sad, however i can genuinely say i'm glad to at least know that type of relationship can exist my other ex questa was horrible to talk to.. there was never really any sense of validation from her- to the point where i used to actually google things like "invalidation" to try and understand what i was dealing with.. there was no emotional intimacy or anything.. even simple things you do to connect with someone- she wouldn't do.. like for example if i said "hey this is good, try it" she would say no.. there was just no attempt to connect on her part.. it was horrible.. even thinking about it is traumatic i have been trying to go back to writing my book about our relationship but it is just so traumatic remembering all the crap i went through.. i sometimes question if i can finish it anyway- let me get back on track here ok so i basically would love to have someone to talk to.. but what i have generally run into is this situation where people come and go as they please.. there's not really a person (outside of family) who is there all the time i have not really had anyone hit me up and be like what's good how are u doing? as a matter of fact i think i recently wrote a lyric about it.. let me see if i can find it U ain’t tryna see how i’m doin, please/ No one ever calls me to shoot the breeze/ So don’t front, what do u need?/ Let me guess- u want help movin things?/ Well call a professional, cuz i’ll let ya know/ I’m over bein "errand boy" instead of "bro"/ keep in mind i haven't recorded that- so it is still subject to change, but you get the idea anyway.. i guess i'll try and get out of here but like.. i do feel like i'm missing this ingredient in my life and lately i've just been separating myself from people further- because i feel like.. maybe things will have to get "worse" before they get better who knows
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enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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