i kinda think i have started seeing a demon.. not like physically but like in life in general.. like i feel like i have started to understand how they work
there are certain things i deal with that people don't really know about mental pain and anguish like heartbreak or fear or odd thoughts i don't know a lot about God and stuff but i have started distinguishing voices in my head in the past i felt that everything was a thought from myself however nowadays i feel that spirits "minister" to us a lot.. and it is important to distinguish who is saying something to you.. because then you will know whether to act on the thought or dismiss it i feel like a demon tries to limit me (or demons try to limit us.. either one) or keep me afraid of things or keep me from having a decent life here's an example: not too long ago i was trying to do my benefits at my job and this girl at my job was asking people if they did their benefits or not.. i was the only person who hadn't done it yet so she asked me if i did it and i said no and then i said "when is it all due?" and she said "today.. you better hurry up" and walked off this imo, was that demon.. i say that because 1. it was a lie 2. it confused me 3. it discouraged me here's the background.. i had already been looking over the benefits and i sort of saw that i had until a certain date to finish my benefits.. in reality, i had a whole week to finish them so when i asked this girl when they were due, i was basically just asking for confirmation.. she is above me at my job so i thought i could trust her to tell me the right answer.. but no.. and so then i was confused like.. "wait.. i must've read it all wrong" then i was thinking.. "oh crap i won't have time because i don't get home until like 9pm so how am i going to do it all in time when i haven't read over things yet?" then another thought came, and i realized when she told me the benefits were due "today" she grinned that grin... i feel that was that demon who tries to limit me from achieving normal things in life such as "having my own place" "having a decent job" "finishing school" "having a good wife" "having benefits at my job" etc etc in this natural realm you would just say "that girl was a b*tch" but the bible says we don't wrestle against flesh and blood.. there was NO REASON for her to lie to me, but she did.. so where did that come from? so I feel like the enemy sends demons to discourage us.. this is why you tell people your dreams and they immediately trample on them.. i just feel like i am starting to see deeper into what reality actually is like a chess game between good and evil and some people know what is going on and some don't to anyone reading this- please try to recognize what is happening in your life as well if you KNOW what is going on you may not fall for the tricks.. if you know who is speaking to you- you know which voice to follow is the voice in your head a demon or an angel? if a voice tells you to kill yourself- where is it coming from? how can you fight it? do you see a series of things happening in your life.. do you start to see patterns? maybe it is not a mere pattern, maybe it is a PLAN.. a plan of attack against you and your faith how can you get the tormenting spirits away from you? how can you combat their plans to discourage you? its like.. you may not be able to see things in the natural, but via circumstances and situations and cycles, you can see things its like you can't see gravity but you see evidence of it everywhere so when you look at your life, what do you see evidence of? think about it.. recognize what is there.... and then take a step in the right direction
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what's up peeps
i could use some extra money i want to explain my money issue.. this is not a complaint at all.. just a rundown of the situation it kinda seems in general that a lot of my expenses come toward the end of the year.. keep in mind i moved twice this year so i have no savings to pull from i started paying my student loans recently.. also last week i kid you not i paid over $350 for car insurance.. wouldn't you know, i now owe my renter's insurance.. i don't remember how much it is off the top of my head.. its like each time i have been getting paid, i've had to pay something.. and when i say "something" i'm talking about things outside of rent, food, gas, haircuts, phone bill etc oh and get this- like 2 days ago, i was talking to my sister and i'm like "i want to take you to my fave restaurant so you can see what its like" she was like "no no no, i just deposited over $3200 in my account from teaching and poetry.. i still want to get you a birthday gift" smh.. my birthday is 10-31.. how are you going to tell me you "still want to get me a birthday gift" on 11-16 and you are getting all this money? i could use some money right now! anything would help! i find myself lately having to rely on my credit card which is something i don't really like to do because it can sometimes put you in a position to have to retroactively pay for things and dig a financial hole last week i couldn't even afford a hair cut lol.. my facial hair grows out and it hurts! lol.. it really bothers my neck i don't have a bed.. i don't have a dresser.. don't have a tv stand.. don't have a couch.. my apartment is like the epitome of a bachelor's pad.. its just what you'd expect a young single man to have.. an empty apartment lol.. you come in and you can hear your voice echo and ish these^ are not complaints.. i am just explaining.. i could use any sort of help i can get it amazes me how much money i have spent in the last few months.. it is really weird how i have somehow stayed afloat this long.. it seems like i keep finding myself paying something.. like you sometimes think "pretty soon i will catch up with myself financially" but it seems like lately, the expenses just keep rolling in i do hope i can eventually get some extra money so i can get some new glasses, get a bed, take a flaky and ungrateful girl out on a date, etc i sometimes think to myself.. "if only i could get an extra $____" i remember listening to a kanye song (back when he was good) and he explained how he went from $50,000 to $1,500 in a week at first i thought "what kind of idiot would do something like that?" but i thought about it some more and i realized that THAT WOULD TOTALLY BE DOABLE whoever is reading this- if i gave you $50,000 right now, you would be able to spend it quicker than you think probably!!!! i really thought about it and i thought.. student loans giving to friends/family (even if its just your mom) all of your outstanding needs (food, gas, rent, clothes, etc) a lot of people would upgrade their car out of necessity as they may have a car over 7 yrs old maybe u have a goal or dream that takes money to accomplish like.. when you think about it- its crazy like.. the disparity between where we are vs. where we want to be its generally a huge gap a lot of people can't even afford something as basic as the ability to live alone anyway.. i just wanted to talk about money matters a bit pua's are pick-up artists
pick up artists are men who have learned the art of getting women into their lives this is something many people don't know about.. the whole pua culture.. however many men are instructed and taught by it i have no issues with the pua communities however i do sort of question a lot of them.. my issue with a lot of the greatest pua's is many of them are not married sometimes i ask myself what their knowledge is leading to is it sex? is it marriage? or is it up to the man? i am not 100% sure i also do not know the theories behind some of the actions.. such as.. if you are able to obtain sex from a woman, does that mean you can then get her to comply? like "where the body goes the mind follows" ? or is it more.. "where the mind goes, the body follows" ? i feel that is a decent question to ask because the answer would show us men what we should seek to obtain in order to get what we want from women i do not criticize the pua community because they provide a great service to men.. as knowledge is power.. i also do not claim to know the answers at all but i do sometimes feel that if we are seeking sex, that is a sort of second-rate experience.. if it is not accompanied with love and commitment i say this because i have been offered sex many times in my life.. i feel that sex is fairly easy to come by.. however i have only once in my life had a woman who was willing to marry me, love me, stay with me, and commit to me.. so i feel that- that should be the ultimate goal, because it is harder to achieve, it is more rare and valuable to have a woman commit to loving and supporting me as a man than it is to have a woman spread her legs to me i can buy a woman dinner and have sex with her.. or i can even get a woman to drive to my house to have sex with me but to find a woman who is truly willing to be in my corner, for sex, support, affection, love, patience, kindness, and continued assistance, and help through ups and downs.. that is what is valuable so when i see these unmarried pua's.. sometimes i feel that they are not actually successful again- you would be hard pressed to find a man who has not been offered sex so are unmarried pua's teaching us to reach for one piece of a much bigger puzzle? this is just something that has crossed my mind again i withold any judgment.. just a thought i want to talk about the weekly grind
each week you have two choices on how to go about things 1. work all week, then do errands/chores on the weekend 2. work and do errands and chores all week, then rest on the weekend the second option is better. if you have time to rest on the weekend here are some of the main important things you can do that will help you to rejuvenate: 1. rest 2. do your hobbies 3. spend time with God or learn about God i just wanted to put this out there pay bills in the morning before work, get your car worked on before work, after work get groceries, clean your house after work just TRY NOT TO BRING ERRANDS AND RESPONSIBILITIES WITH YOU TO THE WEEKEND because if you do you will likely hinder your own effectiveness, your overall levels of happiness and fulfillment, your decision-making, your relationship with God, and even the amount of physical energy you have try to do all or most of your grown up things during the work week do you always feel like you are missing something? like you always wish you had more time? ...create a proper weekend for yourself- it will help you "catch up" with yourself its like exercise.. you go hard then you stop.. you put your hands on your knees or sit down and you breathe for a minute before you start again.. imagine not stopping to breathe.. after a while you feel like you are running on fumes i learned how important weekends were this summer when i lost them (from trying to find a place to live 7 days a week) weekends are not a joke do as much as you can during the week monday through friday say to yourself "success is a full time job" but when the weekend comes.. get butt-naked and warm up them pizza rolls, brah finally after like a year, i got some time to myself to set up my stuff and record something.. this is a verse i wrote a few weeks ago or whatever.. i'ma try to listen to this a bit to try and get back into the swing of recording.. people keep asking me if i still rap or when i'm going to do it.. i appreciate that.. i'm hopefully gearing up to drop something cool.. no promises.. but since i've kinda stopped unsuccessfully chasing women- i find myself with more time on my hands anyway.. if i sound rusty or wack.. forgive me.. i literally just set my stuff up this is going to just be my thoughts.. no theme, just my random thoughts
i don't have a bed in my apartment.. i need one.. i don't have a bed or a couch.. could use a tv stand too.. and some dressers.. i am sort of banking on taxes coming or maybe trying to get on some type of payment plan.. i don't really welcome the idea of a payment plan but at the same time.. its like.. maybe its an opportunity to build a good credit history i still hate and love women.. recently another stupid thing that happened with a girl on plenty of fish i tried to talk to her like 2 months ago.. i said something like "hey you seem cool how's your weekend" or something madd simple like that she responded with: "i'm just looking for friends" ...this was such a slap in the face for two reasons 1. i didn't mention anything about a relationship or sex at all so wtf was she talking about 2. her profile clearly said on the front "actively seeking relationship" let me say that again... it said on the front ACTIVELY SEEKING RELATIONSHIP so i just ended up getting off the site because that was just dumb on so many levels i couldn't take it anymore now here's what makes that even crazier.. i had a lapse in sanity the other day and put my pictures back on the site.. do you know she hit me up? i was like WHAT THE F***? i was so shocked and irritated that she would have the nerve to contact me it was unbelievable.. so i said something like "i tried to talk to you like two months ago....." she responded with a stupid excuse for rejecting me and i took my pictures off again.. btw.. that's another issue with women.. their excuses are always stupid as f*** common excuse 1: "sorry my phone died" common excuse 2: "i gotta go someone's calling me on the other line" common excuse 3: "i was out with kelly" me: but you just said kelly's a bitch and not your real friend like 2 days ago "oh i was just upset that day.. did you get any new video games?" me: smh so damn ridiculous.. you women really think men don't know something is up don't you anyway.. i've been trying to talk to this girl with a big booty for a while now.. i am really trying to get her to spend time with me.. i don't know if she is talking to other guys or what.. she is thick and white so her phone probably has more black guys in it than f*cking nba 2k on a diff note... how i view women: women think they are perfect and they are very fickle how women view me: boring i really think women think i am boring.. do you guys think this is true? am i boring? what would make a man not boring? i would like to understand this more.. what would make a woman say "i like being around james, he is not boring, he is fun" right now i do not know the answer to this btw.. speaking of asking questions like "why don't girls like me?" i have heard some people say that is a weak man's question.. smh.. how the f*ck is self analysis ever weak? i don't get that mindset.. i think men and women both should ask these sorts of questions so we can all become better for the opposite sex that's the way to success.. asking things like "why don't girls like me?" "what do women respect?" "what would i have to do to keep a girl in my life?" etc. etc. will these questions pave a rough path? LIKELY SO, but that path will likely yield a harvest of plenty after a while at the very least it will lead men and women alike away from the world path of nonsense.. friends with benefits, no strings attached, single parenting, chronic loneliness, etc so i don't want to hear anyone else trying to convince me that self analysis is for weak men i had an interesting dream last night that seemed to have a message
the dream started out fairly normal.. i remember i was at the mall with a girl and i kept having this thought.. the thought was that.. my favorite food is basically condiments the reason i kept thinking that was because there are so many foods that i wouldn't even eat at all if it weren't for the condiments condiments can be weird because they might have like zero nutritional value, and might be too sweet or too bitter to enjoy alone (like imagine trying to drink ketchup).. so condiments basically are made for the purpose of making something else better.. but again- a condiment can really set off a sandwich or some fries or frosting can really set off a piece of cake and make it great ok now.. the girl i was with was kinda being irritating so i wandered off... when i wandered off, i basically went like- to a place in the mall where people usually don't go.. like i ended up out where there were no employees or customers, like in a place people didn't normally go- like when malls have construction and no one is in a certain area.. i was in something like that so when i went back there i found some stuff the girl i was with had lost.. so i got SOME of the things and i went back to where she was and i set them in front of her.. she was on a cell phone though and didn't really acknowledge that i found the items, so i walked off again i went back where where i found her stuff but remember where i said i got SOME of the things.. well there was a phone of hers that i didn't give her.. i went back to where i found it and kinda looked in it and realized this girl was probably seeing another guy.. (btw she was talking on an extra phone.. but the phone i was looking through was her real phone) so.. then i was thinking.. ok i'm going to get ready to leave.. i'm just going to get ready to take this girl home and get ready for her to never talk to me again because she is talking to these other guys... but i kept exploring a little (in that weird area of the mall) and in doing that- i found a little girl's clothing on the ground.. i thought nothing of it and walked off i left that weird area of the mall and told myself i'd walk around the mall one more time before meeting back up with the girl i came with- giving her her real phone, and heading home so i was just walking around but when i got to sears or something- i saw a lot of people around looking for someone.. an old man was very distraught and he was crying and calling out around the mall calling this little girl's name who was nowhere to be found... i overheard what was happening in the commotion and basically a little girl had asked these old people if she could leave the mall with them but the old people had sort of laughed it off.. but then the old people thought about it and ended up asking mall security police what they knew about the little girl who asked to leave with them mall security then explained the girl fit the description of a missing child they had been looking for.. then the old people were distraught and wanted to rectify their mistake of shooing the little girl away so then i went to them and i explained i saw some little girl's clothing in the 'abandoned' part of the mall.. then the old guy lost it and the police went to investigate that area someone ended up showing me a picture of the little girl and she was really a cute little girl.. like cute and cool looking even at such a young age and she was near my skin tone so i ended up thinking to myself "wow, even i would take in this child as my own!" and that was it this is what the dream seemed like it meant: 1. the girl i arrived at the mall with seemed to represent how sometimes i (and/or we) pursue things that seem great- but sometimes they aren't remember, when i found some of her belongings, she didn't really acknowledge it- she was on her backup phone and when i found her primary phone and looked in it- it seemed like she was talking to other guys 2. when it comes to the condiments.. i see it like this: the missing little girl was like condiments she was not meant to be alone.. children can't stand alone yet.. they are a garnish or a condiment that help to make a main course better.. but they cannot yet stand alone 3. i am a main course.. a stand alone single adult male.. i am able to take care of myself and things like that.. so the fact that i said "my favorite food is condiments" was almost like me saying "my life is bland without flavor" or "my life is bland without the right person to share it with 4. when the picture of the girl almost looked like she could've been my daughter and i wished i could've taken her in as my own, i realized that the whole time- i was trying to find love in ungrateful women so i could have their beauty in my life, but there was this little girl who would likely love me far more than any woman i was trying to impress, and she would bring my life meaning and purpose as well.. she could've been the condiment to complete me as a main course 5. overall i think the dream was like saying "keep your eyes open" because what you think you want, and what you need are two different things |
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the new retro Archives
December 2014
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