dang brah, ya boy is bout to be 30 in a few hours
i guess it is wat it is.. i think i'm on dat grown up ish
do u kno wat i did today be4 werk? i applied for benefits at my job.. now it dnt get more grown up den dat one breh
but right now i'm sitten here about to put a pizza in da oven and go ham on it right quick
yew been wit me dis whole time.. yall been in da Z wit ya boy.. n yeah da Z is da zone cuzz
but yeah so thanks to yew peeps yall been wit me even tho i kno i get on dis site and talk crazy as f**** lolz
thanks for keepen up wit ya boi
we bout to crank dat 30 yr breh
10-31-1984 dats my d.o.b.
dey been knowin i'm a halloween baby
but yall crank watever age yew at and pop a pizza in da oven tewnight too so u can show dem haytaz yew ain't playin wit em'
NOTE: this is not important at all.. its just a little theory i had swimming around in my head.. feel free to skip this if you wish.. or if you read it.. feel free to let me know if you agree or disagree
i have wanted to say something about drake for a while now
i am not a drake fan however i've just wanted to point something out about him
i've heard so much about drake in media.. they say he is soft, they say he is fake, they say he cares too much about what people think, they say he takes things personal, they say he doesn't understand that "hip hop is competition" etc etc
if you know about drake then you probably know what i'm talking about
but i want to point out something about him that i think a lot of people are missing or forgetting.. (note this is not a defense of drake.. i don't care either way.. i just feel like people are missing this)
here it is:
drake comes from the acting world
the culture of the acting world is far different from the culture of rap
i have taken acting and theater classes so i happen to know actors have a culture of camaraderie
they love each other.. they all work together to make the plays and the scenes look great... also being actors, they are able to hide personal feelings when it is convenient and they are able to show only the positive
actors are good at making things seem ok when they need to, or when they feel that it is appropriate
rappers on the other hand are more upfront and honest generally.. also rappers oftentimes see others are competition as opposed to comrades
so.. for everyone who says drake is fake or phony or weak, or he doesn't get it or whatever
u have to remember the world he comes from
the acting world is a few things (generally)
1. it is a very supportive world.. people back each other.. they usually don't tear each other down
2. they focus on the positive
3. they cover peoples' flaws and see the good in each other
the hip hop world is not really like that..
so when drake does something corny.. a lot of times i've noticed its something that would be accepted in the acting world... but not in the hip hop world
like i remember on the breakfast club they had a recording of drake saying trey songz was really funny and a great friend and trey songz was like "wtf is drake talking about?" but in the acting world, they do things like that- they act like they have great relationships with everyone in all their interviews
or recently tyga said drake is "fake".. but i feel like what tyga is really saying is "drake is nice and friendly to the point of it being ridiculous and it feels disingenuous" but that's how the acting culture is.. they talk everything and everyone up.. they are paid pretenders.. so you may get some embellishing from those types of people
it just is what it is.. he's from a diff culture peeps
this happens in reverse sometimes as well.. like ice cube started off in the rap world where its ok not to smile.. but in the acting world, i've heard some people crack jokes about how hard it is to get ice cube to smile
its just diff cultures
today i was supposed to hang out with a girl.. she ended up not calling or showing up or anything.. i tried to get ahold of her but she was apparently too busy....... but i honestly don't care
what does that mean?
have i come to expect such behavior? or am i ok just being alone now?
probably both.... its weird because this seems to mark some sort of shift in me.. i LEGIT don't care and it is surprising to me
after it became clear that she wasn't going to spend time with me- she was trying to text me and i was giving her short responses.. not out of spite, but just because i literally didn't care at all ..this was out of character for me because i am normally like trying to be closer to women
i am on the fence as to whether this is a good shift or a bad shift
do i legitimately hate women in 2014?
i mean i have had negative feelings toward them.. but do i seriously hate them now?
i keep having these thoughts that and feelings that tell me women are worthless and have no value
i am starting to feel like i am better off without them
i can take a woman out for 3 or 4 weeks trying to be a gentleman and then have her walk away from me like i don't exist.. not a goodbye, not a text.. nothing.. not even a "thanks for the free meals"
can i at least be reimbursed for the gas money?
i mean i still want them from the standpoint of sexual gratification (in the right context of course) but today i can honestly from the heart say.. i don't care about women, what they do, or how they view me at all
and i don't know how i feel about that yet
it sounds so selfish.. i feel bad for feeling this way.......
i may need some sort of advice or guidance or something
sidenote: come to think of it.. i don't even feel sympathy for women anymore.. like when i hear they get beat up by their boyfriends or whatever.. i literally don't care..
not too long ago there was this guy at my job saying "i hate it when men put their hands on a woman.. i have no respect for those guys, if i ever meet a guy who beats his wife..." etc etc
all i could think the whole time was "shut the f*ck up"
i don't feel bad for women.. i think they bring things upon themselves.. most women who are in abusive relationships leave the relationship and end up going back, or maybe they just never leave.. so my thing is- if the girl is happy, how do i look feeling bad for her?
it just seems like no woman is able to prove to me that they have any value to me as a man
this is what i'm looking for in a woman:
nice to me
^those are all the main things i am looking for in a woman.. but instead i find:
women who don't care to know God
women who resent that they "have to look nice for men" so they don't try
women with attitudes
women with kids
women who are divorced (btw.. if you are divorced multiple times, you are probably crazy)
anyway.. these are my thoughts for the day
i told my pastor that finding a good woman and finding a good church are both hard these days
i think he felt me on that
in college i had to read an epic novel called 'candide' by voltaire
one of the main things i always remember about it was when the main character "candide" extolled the virtues of work and effort
he said something like "our labor saves us from boredom, vice, and need"
you can switch in words there, like you can switch need with want if you so choose.. or switch boredom with idleness
but the meaning remains the same imo
i have noticed.. its weird but work is one of the best things available to us.. it seems so frustrating and boring sometimes but it comes with so many benefits that are not readily seen with the eye
if you're working, you are not gossiping
if you're working, you have a goal
if you're working, you're not complaining
if you're working you're being productive
if you're working you're.... (insert whatever)
its like, there's a safety in work.. go to work, go to school, go to the gym.. it may be a lot, but the benefits oftentimes are innumerable
"our labor saves us from boredom, vice, and need"
(btw for anyone who read the book.. the optimist view in that was pretty interesting.. pangloss might've been onto something.. but come to think of it- the book may have still had its drawbacks.. maybe i'll post my report on it one day)
i wrote this verse last night.. woke up this morning and read over it.. and it seems to mark a shift in my thinking:
With tears in my eyes I’m overcoming the pain/
Cuz real talk if I stand strong, struggle is gain/
Its my life, day or night I gotta love it the same/
Bring it on, I’m not succumbin- I reign/
over self, cuz straight up- I’m over self/
God hold’s my health and bestows the wealth/
So u can keep the advice u need to show yourself/
….Or find somebody weak you can go and help/
Pool boy I’m gnna speak til my soul is felt/
Don’t need no drinks I rock sober health/
I’m just keepin it real, keepin it simple and still/
Reachin.. teachin, and preachin, bringin something you feel/
hard times got me boxed but I’m thinkin outside of that/
They talkin limits but I’m really not buyin that
I’m not cryin, nah.. no time for that/
Thanks for the ammo, time to fire back/
its weird because its not the regular "my life is terrible and here's why"
its amazing how writing captures your mindstate so well
standing back and reading this is a trip to me.. its like wow this actually has a positive tone to it
for a long time i felt like this song represented my life
have i made progress? for a really long time i've had 4 goals..
1. graduate college
2. get a real job (by real i mean decent pay and decent living and not temporary)
3. get a place
4. get a girl
since i have accomplished 3 of the 4.. am i feeling better?
have the black clouds scaled back? or have i matured? or both?
last night i realized a girl i've been talking to for a year, flat-out stopped talking to me.. i spoke to someone about it and they basically made the whole scenario my fault (as always.. which is why i talk on a website instead of to people) .. but after a few hours of feeling low, i legit realized i'm fine with it
i'd call that progress.
i find myself wondering what i did wrong with women all the time.. especially when i think we are getting along and they up and stop talking to me... i will even say "what's the deal?" but they never answer the question
i just have to get this off my chest real quick
i am getting tired of the thing where women can ignore my calls and texts and act like its all good
i am not mad or anything.. i'm just (like i said) TIRED OF IT.. it kinda wears me out
i don't understand why i can say something basic like "how's your day" in a text message and not get a response... or why is it that i can call a girl and she will just act like i never called her
i don't want to make it bigger than what it is but it goes back to that issue i'm always talking about which is:
women think men don't have feelings
like i get so tired of feeling like a second class person to women.. like i have no importance at all.. like i'm just a person you can decide to talk to or decide to ignore and it doesn't matter which one you choose
i am getting to a point where i am just plain tired of it and i usually just ignore the fact that i am being ignored but i'm almost to where i am going to start treating people accordingly or just plain cutting them out of my life
honestly i probably deserve this treatment based on things i've done to people in the past, so i shouldn't take it personal.. i just have to accept it as karma paying me back for all the times i treated people with disdain and insensitivity
this is v8 v-fusion tropical orange.. this juice is phenomenal if you can find it.. i literally thought it was discontinued for like 2 years until i recently found some at harris teeter
i am not sure why this juice is so hard to find but it is good.. what makes it great is that it has orange flavor except without the tartness
i like the flavor of orange but i don't like tart juices.. i don't care what kind of juice it is, if it has that tart thing going on then i don't really like it.. this juice gives you that citrus-y taste without the tartness.. i guess typically i would classify tart juice as being almost like both too sweet and too sour (primarily the sour part).. like how regular orange juice is
this tropical orange juice is amazing though.. almost like a more tame and 'muted' orange flavor.. try it out if u can find it