i have noticed a recurring theme in my life is i have a hard time caring about myself as much as i would care about the thoughts, feelings, well-being of someone i love
what i mean by that is i have a hard time finding motivation in something if its only for me
working out, working extra hours at a job, getting an A instead of a B or C.. the list could go on
the other day on tv some guy talked about how all his motivation for everything he does is his family
and then u have people without families who do things to impress girls at clubs
well seeing as how i don't have a family of my own, i don't have a girlfriend, and i don't go to clubs, i sometimes feel like extra lethargic
i find that i don't care about anything that much.. like i'm the only person in my life, so what is the point of doing anything positive?
for example say i got 6-pack abs... i have no one in my life to impress so what would it matter? like without other people to see and enjoy ur achievements, they lose all value
its like u can have someone who doesn't really do anything good for theirself, then they have a child and they become a different person because they kno their child is counting on them and they know their child is looking up to them and that child cares about their well-being
so the parent draws from that as an energy source
this is a problem in my life, like i don't really have anyone i cherish and care for like a wife or a child
its kinda crazy cuz i've even been looking for ways i can help people i don't even know.. but when i went to the office of career services at school, i opened the "volunteer" handbook and there were no opportunities, and there are no current opportunities for me to help out at church either
so its crazy in the sense that i really want to do something for someone, and feel like a part of something, feel like i'm doing something good, and doing a mission... i really want to be someone's backbone or help someone.. like really bad, but i never seem to have the chance to be of use or worth to anyone.. like even if i meet a girl and do good for her she just takes it for granted or deems me boring or some ish and leaves me.. so i just feel lethargic about almost everything.. like what i truly find to be a delight is a good woman but if they continually elude me and won't accept me then what is the point of anything.. like what do u do when what u desire to have the most isn't available to u and no matter what u do u can't have it
cuz see its one thing to want something like an expensive car or home.. u can make money and eventually buy it even if it takes 20 yrs u can do it
well u can't buy love.. so after constant rejection u feel like no one will ever really like u and u lose interest in everything else because everything u wanted to do was really just to impress or bless a woman or ur family.. so without a woman or family nothing else really matters
this is part of what bothers me so much about women who like men who are abusive, because i have a heart to really help and uplift and support and do great things for whoever i date, but instead of actually meeting someone, i get set to the side while women pursue guys who cheat on them, guys who take instead of give, guys who treat u like a number as opposed to a special person
i was talking to one girl not too long ago and she said "i always pay for everything when i go out with the guys i date" .. i honestly didn't know if she was being serious or not so i asked her, and she wasn't kidding.. and i had a hard time comprehending that
people say just be the best you that you can be until something comes in your life, and i understand and agree with that, but for the sake of expressing myself, i must say i find it rather difficult at times
i care about myself enough to get by, but i don't seem to care about myself enough to really EXCEL GREATLY in anything.. like i always question if its worth the effort..
i will give an example
in 08 i had a 40 hour a week job.. i prayed to God for a chance to go out with a girl and luckily she agreed to go out with me.. i was so happy inside
i suggested we go to a hockey game, i knew i would need more money to pay for everything so in the 2 weeks leading up to the game, i worked 60 hour weeks
it was NOTHING to me.. i worked all those 120 hours as if it was a cakewalk because i knew i was doing it to spend some time with a girl who i really liked.. it really meant a lot to me and warmed my heart up and i felt like i had limitless energy
then like a few days before we were going to go she canceled on me to spend time with some other guy who got her nothing on her birthday OR the upcoming valentines day
and its just like.. i have so much energy and vitality and love to give but over and over i've seen it stunted for one reason or another
it seems to create in me this feeling of worthlessness and apathy.. like i don't think anyone was meant to just be an island but oftentimes that is how i feel because i have SO much i wish i could offer someone but i have no outlet for any of it
being alone, i find that i barely care about myself.. like why should i clean my apartment? why should i shower everyday? don't get me wrong i love myself in that i want to keep myself in decent condition, but the love i have to offer others seems so much stronger than the love i have for myself
like i can endure so much more if only i had a love in my life that was worth it
i could do so much more, i could be so much happier, i could feel so much more confident if i had someone in my corner
its like when u look at superhero stories so many of the superheroes do what they do because of women.. tales of knights valiantly slaying dragons for a chance with the princess come to mind.
sometimes i look at tv and i notice so many men are motivated to action by women and children or younger brothers and sisters, or nieces and nephews
i have none of that in my life.. i mean i have a niece and nephews but not in a sense of like, i need to be there for them or be a role model to them.. like i am in this life alone to where i am my number one at all times
everything in my world is all about me and i guess its a phase we all go through but wow its crazy trying to navigate this thing..
its funny, for the past 7 yrs or so my main drive in life has been music.. but lately even music feels worthless without meaningful relationships.. i feel inside like i am losing steam or some ish.. like who really cares u kno what i'm sayin?
how do u find the motivation to do anything without meaningful, close relationships? ..if u don't love anyone and no one loves u, then what is really the point
i don't think i was meant to live like this, i hope one day this lifestyle i have will change and/or make some kind of sense
i most want a woman in my life whom i can delight in and do things for, and achieve for, and make happy, and compliment, and give gifts to, and plan outings for, and all that
that to me seems like it would be so refreshing.. someone to get my mind off of my own life.. someone who would make all my efforts feel more than worthwhile
the best word again is DELIGHT, i want someone or something to delight in and look forward to.. something that is MINE, not some girl who i have to share with 1/2 the guys at the club.. someone who will be mine and who would just be sweet, someone who would be my baby.. my person where i find refuge and delight
its like this
God loves Jesus, Jesus (Son of Man) loves man, man loves woman, woman loves child
God has Jesus, Jesus has pool boy, pool boy has ........(i hear crickets)
AGAIN, this has just been self expression, i am not sad or depressed i am extremely blessed, i just wanted to get that off my chest in its entirety.. i know this may have been too long, and maybe it didn't read that well, but i don't care.. i just had to get it out
Society WANTS you to be "cool". Because "cool" is basically the guidelines of what you can and cant do to be accepted into groups of people around you. The desire to be "cool" severely limits the imagination of man and this is a problem that has plagued the genre of rap. When one is considered "cool" he/she is followed by others that wish to achieve the same "status", which in result produces more of the same style from other people, thus losing originality.
This "cool" thus succeeds in alienating anything outside of its boundaries. New ideas and ideals are considered "crazy" or "outlandish" because they do not fit into the cookie cutter of the "cool" and they produce alternative results and styles. So the "cool" zone is a safe zone where anybody imitating the cool is accepted.
The desire to be "cool" is what discourages most from revealing their true thoughts and feelings. Hip hop is a pawn of "cool."
But there are always "freedom fighters" that exist outside of the "cool", not necessarily because they don't want to be "cool" but because they REFUSE to be anything but themselves. These people help to "de-roboticize" and liberate others from their "cool" captivity.
Please note: the "cool" exists in any aspect of life and can expand far out from just hip hop.
this is a lot to chew on if you ask me
it makes you take a look at yourself
who do u believe, what do u believe.. are you watering down your beliefs for the superficiality of "cool" or "acceptance" ?
i put acceptance in parentheses because.. ok say ur a well known rich man with a lot of friends.. how many of those people are REALLY your friends?
you can be cool and have the ILLUSION of friends and companionship.. but at the end of the day that's all it is, an illusion
look at amy winehouse.. one day i saw a concert she did on tv and she was completely out of her mind without a doubt high on something.. she looked TERRIBLE, she was doing things that made absolutely no sense.. she has all this money, acclaim, fame, and fans.. but a real friend wouldn't stand for that.. a real friend would handcuff her and force her into rehab (btw the guys from jackass did just that to steve-o to save his life)
just as money may bring the illusion of love, sex appeal can also.
a woman might have a lot of attention because she is pretty and willing to be sexually active.. but how many of those people really care about her as a person?
just look at all the single moms out here.. sure everything was all well and good when she had a nice body and was the hott thing at the club, but once she gets pregnant, puts on weight, has a child and a new responsibility, the guy(s) who knocked her up no longer want anything to do with her
so yeah being cool affords one love and companionship and friends however none of it is real.. it is all fake and fleeting
so my point is, at the end of the day.. u might as well spend each and every moment being your true self and holding fast to your true beliefs
because in a sense cool is a rapist, it just wants to use u up and leave u..
and i kno being urself may take some patience and u may have some rejection that aims for your heart, but that rejection is leading u into better pastures.. i kno this from experience
so find you, then be you to your fullest extent- upfront at all times without compromise, and u will find people who care about you FOR REAL.. people who still call and email u after you've moved out of state for 7 years
people who will visit u when ur sick
people who will make compromises in their own life for your well-being
"I need a companion and in the long run, husband or at least common law. Where shall I look? Maybe I'm looking all wrong. I want a strong man, sensitive (yes one that will cry but not at stupid moments, this is not drama class), sexy, intelligent, family man, hard worker at home and work, that can be a child at heart and play video games w/me and the kids....oh my list. LOL"
if u keep up with my blog this should ring some bells for you... its notable because she could have had all these things if she minded God's will for her life at a younger age.. it certainly echoes what i've been saying..
july 18th blog entry:
It is God’s will that you keep away from sexual sin as a mark of your devotion to him. Each of you should know that finding a husband or wife for yourself is to be done in a holy and honorable way, not in the passionate, lustful way of people who don’t know God. The Lord is the one who punishes people for all these things.
God didn’t call us to be sexually immoral but to be holy. Therefore, whoever rejects this order is not rejecting human authority but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
1 Thessalonians chp 4
july 25th blog entry:
"Flee youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart."
2 Timothy 2:22
ok.. now let me break it down more on a line by line basis:
"Each of you should know that finding a husband or wife for yourself is to be done in a holy and honorable way, not in the passionate, lustful way of people who don’t know God."
how did she go about searching for a spouse in her earlier days? were they saved? where did she meet these men she had kids with? today they are not in the picture.. she likely went about it the wrong way... following passion and lust as opposed to holiness and honor
"The Lord is the one who punishes people for all these things."
she is now alone with multiple children.. God's punishment is NOT something i want to experience in any aspect of life at any time ever
put urself in her shoes.. would u rather be a young single woman with no kids.. or an older single woman WITH kids?
"Flee youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart."
she should have fled from her youthful lusts and pursued THOSE WHO CALL ON THE LORD OUT OF A PURE HEART
(in extremely simple terms: let go of the bad-boys, revelers, and thugs, and find a Godly man doing God's work in a holy place)
are you going to eat off of God's plate? or off of the enemy's plate? be real w/ urself.. really think about that ish and make a decision now IN YOUR YOUTH
wow i am so thankful God is making the things He shows me make sense in practical areas!
at one part he said he saved himself and everyone in his little office building from dying
he said he has a good sense of awareness
so on that day he simply noticed a person came into the building, went into the bathroom with a package and came out without the package
so as a result.. the guy rounded his employees up, evacuated them and a few minutes later the building exploded
i thought to myself.. wow that's amazing.. cuz he spoke so casually about an attempt that was made on his life.. to me he sounded like he is a few steps ahead of his enemies
then i thought about a time i had where i thought some guys were plotting to do some ish to me
one night i was walking to my car after seeing a hip hop show downtown in the city
so i'm walking alone down this sidewalk and i took notice of this car that was creeping up behind me.. i noticed i could hear it but it wasn't passing me, it was just kinda hovering behind me
i looked up and saw three guys in the car and i began to feel alerted because of how everything felt, but i tried to stay as calm as possible
so i kept walking and the sidewalk ended and it was time for the guys to make a turn or go straight but i noticed they didn't move.. they just sat there even though they weren't waiting on a light or anything
so this is where in the back of my mind i realized they were trying to see where i was going.. like waiting for me to make a move before they did anything
so what i did was i kinda made it look like i was gnna go right and once they committed to follow me then i kinda faked them out, and went directly to my car which was up ahead
i saw them kinda jerk and look confused, then i watched to see where they were gnna go cuz they had no choice but to drive forward or completely give themselves and their intentions away
so i'm watching where they go to see if they leave the area.. they went up the street and just as i thought, they turned back around.. like they went up around a block to try and bust a u-turn so at this point it was 100% obvious that they were trying to do something to me
luckily for me at this point i was right at my car and so i got in and they were coming toward me but i sped past them going the other way and they couldn't keep up because my car was parked in a lot with one entrance and one exit.. so they weren't able to turn around in time to catch up with me
the issue with them was, they thought i was just walking.. like they had no idea i was walking TO MY CAR, like they just thought i had no escape so their plan was just to pull up on me on the low to where i couldn't get away or some ish
for a while i didn't really like talking about that night because i kinda thought it was disturbing.. but now its been a while and i just think of it like wow i was spared, cuz i could've been a victim to whatever they were trying to pull off that night
i try not to forget that night because in a way it was a humbling experience.. like u realize really how vulnerable u are in a time like that and u feel thankful for all the physical and spiritual protection u receive whether known or unknown
basics Posted by poolboyjames on July 30, 2010 at 8:47 PM comments (0)ok here i have looked in my Bible and compiled the 10 commandments.. recently i feel that it is important to be clear on God's commandments, and not only His commandments but also His opinions, the way He thinks, the way He sees things, etc etc
so i guess as a start, i decided to go back to the basics.. hopefully with time i will be able to work my way up and continue to learn more and more about the Lord and His thoughts and His will for us
The 10 Commandments:
1. I am the Lord, you shall have no other gods before me.
2. You shall not make any idol for yourself. You shall not bow down to- or worship any idol.
3. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God.
(^do not take the Lord's name in vain, use His name only appropriately and/or with reverence.)
4. Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you nor your family or livestock shall do any work. The seventh day is blessed and consecrated by the Lord.
(after reading this^, i am confused as to why we routinely go to church on sunday as opposed to saturday)
5. Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord is giving you.
6. You shall not commit murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, their male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
(do not want something that isn't yours.. this seems a bit odd because its like.. wow just WANTING something is wrong? but if u think about it, maybe God is saying stop jealousy, envy, and everything that comes with those things BEFORE THEY TAKE ROOT.. why?
because James 3:16 says: For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.)
Jesus's "extra" commandment:
"love one another as I have loved you"
the only unforgivable sin:
"truly i tell you, people will be forgiven for their sins and whatever blasphemies they utter; but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit can never have forgiveness, but is guilty an eternal sin" - for they have said, "He has an unclean spirit"
this is something that has been brewing under the surface of my life for quite a while however today i can identify it
today i was trying to think.. when was the last time i had joy? *sigh* ..DONT ASK
this is something i want to find in the Word of God: where is my joy and how do i hold onto it?
i think happiness is like.. a good feeling based on good fortune or circumstance.. its great however it comes and goes
i think joy is something a person can grab ahold of and keep regardless of circumstance
how do u do this? .. i really dnt kno yet.. but i truly 100% want to kno
what made me realize i have no joy is just.. i realized i really dislike being a Christian.. but i don't like the fact that i dislike it.. i want to love being a Christian but when i am honest with myself i feel like i have nothing to stand on.. no strength
and so this is where joy comes in: Neh. 8:10 "The joy of the LORD is your strength."
joy aka 'strength' is missing from my Christian walk and i realize i need to get it as quickly as humanly possible.. because i need it.. everyday i wake up and i say to myself "here we go again" and i dnt want to be this way
i wake up in the morning and i think about how lonely i am, i think about how flawed i am, i think about how worthless i feel.. i could go out and smoke some weed drink a 40 and bang a girl and make all these feelings disappear.. even if only for 24 hours, they'd be gone
but instead i try to make God my source...
so maybe God is seeing my efforts, having mercy on me, and as a result- showing me my need for this vital ingredient of joy
memo from above Posted by poolboyjames on July 28, 2010 at 3:21 PM comments (0)I will set my eyes upon them for good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up, and not tear them down; I will plant them, and not pluck them up. I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord; and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.
it seems to me, that in the Bible there are many good promises from God
however they are all on a condition of obedience
this one above caught my eye today
return to God with your whole heart and God will order your steps back to restoration, back to being rooted and blessed
if you mind God with your whole heart and do His will, He will lead u to a place of being established and He will not uproot your establishment.. murphy's law will come to your doorstep but u will overcome it every time
your wholehearted obedience to the Lord will without a doubt lead you to positive change in your life
in my opinion, the word "wholehearted" is significant.. i think it is notable as it seems to refer to one's attitude
because u can be obedient, but think about it.. you can be obedient begrudgingly!
to be obedient with a whole heart means to not only do right, but to do right for the right reasons and with the right attitude
is serving the Lord a burden to you? or are you going to be a strong Christian and bless the Lord regardless of circumstance
i know for me, a lot of times when it comes to the things of God i am obedient but i have no joy in it
like say a girl wants me to be sexually immoral i will say no out of obedience to God but inside i am really angry and thinking about how bad i wanted to do that ish.. i serve the Lord with great anger and reluctance
its probably like having a waiter serve u, but slam the glasses and plates on ur table like "HERE, HOPE U LIKE IT, NGGA" lol
think about it like this: its like u are obedient to God, but satan has your heart.. girls do this to guys all the time.. they are on a date with some guy they just met but their heart still belongs to their ex b/f
so yeah this is an area i DEFINITELY have to work on.. God is good and i should be happy to do His will, if His will is that i pray, that should be seen as a privilege, if His will is that i turn down sexual immorality then that should be seen as a privilege, an opportunity to serve the Lord
don't get me wrong, this doesn't sound easy, however i believe if God showed me the start then He will show me enough grace and mercy to show me the end as well
one thing i don't really understand is having kids
to me that seems terrible or something.. like a punishment and ish
like u will love ur kids more than anything on earth but they won't be able to comprehend or appreciate it until they have kids of their own, and even then they will be busy with their own lives so its like u put all this love into something that never really gives u anything in return
as a matter of fact, they might turn 20 and look at u and say "u never did this" or "u never did that" or "i was scarred for life when you..."
and u will sit there thinking about all the things u did for them and they pick out one thing u may have messed up on and they don't forgive u for it
beyond all of that.. if u are a Christian then you have to try and raise Christian kids
how r u gnna do that in this day and age?
u know that saying "it takes a village" ?
well look at what we live amongst!
when i grew up the world had like.. family matters and cosby, and ish
today its like sex in the city, 16 and pregnant, celebrity rehab.. etc
like imagine having a kid in 2010.. i mean seriously think about it.. like do u really think that kid would have a shot at living a righteous lifestyle?
it seems to me like having a kid these days is like creating a life just so it can live and end up in hell later
think about it.. like i was born in 84 and its hard enough for me to resist temptations.. like imagine trying to tell a kid born in 2010 not to have sex before they are married.. IMAGINE IT!!!
like even if they DID decide to listen to u.. they are likely going to end up old and alone because no one is going to pay them any attention when they say they're waiting for marriage
ur kid is gnna go out with people, but all their dates are just gnna be like "yeah i met so and so but then i realized they're in a religious cult that doesn't believe in sex so that's over with"
i imagine if u raise a righteous child in 2010 they will be an incredibly lonely and depressed kid.. like i remember one time back when i was little.. one kid at school was into black magic or something.. she winked at my sister once and my sister's legs got weak and she fell on the ground
so then my sister brought a bible to school the next day.. i remember my sister pulled a bible out of her backpack on the bus like "yo if she tries something today then i'm prepared"
then a dude behind us was like "oh u brought urs too?!" and he pulled his bible out and him and my sister were both in agreement like yeah we ready today! we're not letting her pull no tricks on us anymore!
my point in saying that is.. imagine a christian kid going through some ish like that in the future LOL
bring his bible to school and pull it out, some kid be like "ngga what's that? an encyclopedia?"
then later the teacher prolly would confiscate the bible from the kid talking about how its not politically correct n ish
my point is just that it seems there is so much either apathy or opposition toward righteous living today that it seems kids today don't have much of a fighting chance in living righteous
even if a kid is really trying hard to live right, they still have to try and not access porn and ish
see with me.. the internet wasn't even born til i was like 9 and ish.. but these days... its just so easy to access porn and worldly knowledge at a young age.. its like a whole diff ball game if u ask me.. i mean i really think kids today have it hard morally
if ur not trying to live righteous, then these days are probably awesome to u.. but i think Christians may want to think twice before bringing kids into this current situation