i will say this 1nce. Posted by poolboyjames on July 31, 2010 at 9:34 PM comments (0)the following is not complaining it is just self expression.. i'm not depressed, its just me thinking outloud about something i find myself dealing with:
i have noticed a recurring theme in my life is i have a hard time caring about myself as much as i would care about the thoughts, feelings, well-being of someone i love what i mean by that is i have a hard time finding motivation in something if its only for me for example: working out, working extra hours at a job, getting an A instead of a B or C.. the list could go on the other day on tv some guy talked about how all his motivation for everything he does is his family and then u have people without families who do things to impress girls at clubs well seeing as how i don't have a family of my own, i don't have a girlfriend, and i don't go to clubs, i sometimes feel like extra lethargic i find that i don't care about anything that much.. like i'm the only person in my life, so what is the point of doing anything positive? for example say i got 6-pack abs... i have no one in my life to impress so what would it matter? like without other people to see and enjoy ur achievements, they lose all value its like u can have someone who doesn't really do anything good for theirself, then they have a child and they become a different person because they kno their child is counting on them and they know their child is looking up to them and that child cares about their well-being so the parent draws from that as an energy source this is a problem in my life, like i don't really have anyone i cherish and care for like a wife or a child its kinda crazy cuz i've even been looking for ways i can help people i don't even know.. but when i went to the office of career services at school, i opened the "volunteer" handbook and there were no opportunities, and there are no current opportunities for me to help out at church either so its crazy in the sense that i really want to do something for someone, and feel like a part of something, feel like i'm doing something good, and doing a mission... i really want to be someone's backbone or help someone.. like really bad, but i never seem to have the chance to be of use or worth to anyone.. like even if i meet a girl and do good for her she just takes it for granted or deems me boring or some ish and leaves me.. so i just feel lethargic about almost everything.. like what i truly find to be a delight is a good woman but if they continually elude me and won't accept me then what is the point of anything.. like what do u do when what u desire to have the most isn't available to u and no matter what u do u can't have it cuz see its one thing to want something like an expensive car or home.. u can make money and eventually buy it even if it takes 20 yrs u can do it well u can't buy love.. so after constant rejection u feel like no one will ever really like u and u lose interest in everything else because everything u wanted to do was really just to impress or bless a woman or ur family.. so without a woman or family nothing else really matters this is part of what bothers me so much about women who like men who are abusive, because i have a heart to really help and uplift and support and do great things for whoever i date, but instead of actually meeting someone, i get set to the side while women pursue guys who cheat on them, guys who take instead of give, guys who treat u like a number as opposed to a special person i was talking to one girl not too long ago and she said "i always pay for everything when i go out with the guys i date" .. i honestly didn't know if she was being serious or not so i asked her, and she wasn't kidding.. and i had a hard time comprehending that people say just be the best you that you can be until something comes in your life, and i understand and agree with that, but for the sake of expressing myself, i must say i find it rather difficult at times i care about myself enough to get by, but i don't seem to care about myself enough to really EXCEL GREATLY in anything.. like i always question if its worth the effort.. i will give an example in 08 i had a 40 hour a week job.. i prayed to God for a chance to go out with a girl and luckily she agreed to go out with me.. i was so happy inside i suggested we go to a hockey game, i knew i would need more money to pay for everything so in the 2 weeks leading up to the game, i worked 60 hour weeks it was NOTHING to me.. i worked all those 120 hours as if it was a cakewalk because i knew i was doing it to spend some time with a girl who i really liked.. it really meant a lot to me and warmed my heart up and i felt like i had limitless energy then like a few days before we were going to go she canceled on me to spend time with some other guy who got her nothing on her birthday OR the upcoming valentines day and its just like.. i have so much energy and vitality and love to give but over and over i've seen it stunted for one reason or another it seems to create in me this feeling of worthlessness and apathy.. like i don't think anyone was meant to just be an island but oftentimes that is how i feel because i have SO much i wish i could offer someone but i have no outlet for any of it being alone, i find that i barely care about myself.. like why should i clean my apartment? why should i shower everyday? don't get me wrong i love myself in that i want to keep myself in decent condition, but the love i have to offer others seems so much stronger than the love i have for myself like i can endure so much more if only i had a love in my life that was worth it i could do so much more, i could be so much happier, i could feel so much more confident if i had someone in my corner its like when u look at superhero stories so many of the superheroes do what they do because of women.. tales of knights valiantly slaying dragons for a chance with the princess come to mind. sometimes i look at tv and i notice so many men are motivated to action by women and children or younger brothers and sisters, or nieces and nephews i have none of that in my life.. i mean i have a niece and nephews but not in a sense of like, i need to be there for them or be a role model to them.. like i am in this life alone to where i am my number one at all times everything in my world is all about me and i guess its a phase we all go through but wow its crazy trying to navigate this thing.. its funny, for the past 7 yrs or so my main drive in life has been music.. but lately even music feels worthless without meaningful relationships.. i feel inside like i am losing steam or some ish.. like who really cares u kno what i'm sayin? how do u find the motivation to do anything without meaningful, close relationships? ..if u don't love anyone and no one loves u, then what is really the point i don't think i was meant to live like this, i hope one day this lifestyle i have will change and/or make some kind of sense i most want a woman in my life whom i can delight in and do things for, and achieve for, and make happy, and compliment, and give gifts to, and plan outings for, and all that that to me seems like it would be so refreshing.. someone to get my mind off of my own life.. someone who would make all my efforts feel more than worthwhile the best word again is DELIGHT, i want someone or something to delight in and look forward to.. something that is MINE, not some girl who i have to share with 1/2 the guys at the club.. someone who will be mine and who would just be sweet, someone who would be my baby.. my person where i find refuge and delight its like this God loves Jesus, Jesus (Son of Man) loves man, man loves woman, woman loves child God has Jesus, Jesus has pool boy, pool boy has ........(i hear crickets) AGAIN, this has just been self expression, i am not sad or depressed i am extremely blessed, i just wanted to get that off my chest in its entirety.. i know this may have been too long, and maybe it didn't read that well, but i don't care.. i just had to get it out peaCe
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JaimsHere are my 2010 blogs. I can honestly say I like looking back over these, so check them out. They're teh hotness. Archives
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