one weird thing about me i've noticed is i don't generally feel like a real person
you know how people a lot of times feel like their thoughts and opinions matter? i feel like mine don't i think this is either because of growing up as a black male and/or just because of how i was raised.. like if i have a complaint.. instead of people trying to help or comfort me.. they tend to instead tell me what i'm doing wrong this begins to make you think that your feelings are wholly unimportant in the grand scheme of life it is good in a sense because it helps you to focus on the things you can do as an individual to change your situation, but sometimes it is negative because you sort of just stop asking for help altogether even when you sometimes really need it like people say men don't ask for directions or men don't go to the doctor the reason is because we have been conditioned to sort of "shake things off" or "suck it up" so sometimes we suffer in silence and we feel like that is just normal life.. to "just deal" sometimes when i am at work and people speak up for themselves to management and higher ups i find it to be a mind bogglingly foreign thing i sit there in awe like "wait.. so you can do something other than just take orders in complete silence?" .. "you mean you think what you say might matter to someone?" it blows me away.. its weird because sometimes people actually want to know my thoughts/feelings but i feel like they can't possibly be serious.. and sometimes i refuse to even tell them because i am so used to people telling me what i say doesn't matter, that i actually choose to keep things to myself its like saving myself a step.. why tell you my thoughts just to have them rejected when i can just not tell you and not have to deal with that all-too familiar feeling of alienation from those around me i remember when i was a kid and my friend kept asking his dad for donuts and his dad said no.. if that had been me, no would've meant no and if i continued asking then i would've got my ass kicked but this kid kept asking his dad for donuts and finally his dad got up and got him donuts after he pestered him for them for like 30 minutes i imagine that had something to do with who i am.. some people grew up with lenient parents so they can sometimes see a way around the rules.. i more often than not see a rule or regulation as "THATS IT.. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY" so a lot of times i just don't feel like a real person.. i feel sort of more like a robot.. like my thoughts and feelings don't matter, i'm just meant to carry out tasks without flaw and without any sort of defiance can anyone relate to this? i guess ultimately what it is is like a feeling of powerlessness except for when it comes to self and self control is a very major thing, but having some pull on those around you is too.. i mean if people come to your aid that is a major help.. so iono i guess if i had to choose between controlling self and others, i'd ultimately choose self.. because getting other people to agree with you, or help you, or comfort you will not make you a moral or ethical person.. i imagine over time it would make you feel justified in nearly all actions whether moral or immoral.. it also might give you an unmerited pride.. which would therefore be a false sense of security in the grand scheme- especially when you have to give an account for your conduct upon death
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December 2014
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