email blog Posted by poolboyjames on November 8, 2010 at 10:55 PM comments (0)here's a personal email i sent to my friend.. after thinking about it, i decided to post it here because i like some of the ideas i expressed.. i was thinking a number of people might be able to relate to what i'm saying here..
btw this is a straight up copy and paste, i'm not changing anything, this is the actual email i sent him after he told me he was feeling depressed and i started to think about why, or what was going on with him yo check it out.. i was thinking about u and a bunch of ideas hit me at once.. i think i figured out what ur going through let me kno if this is it: everyone in life has the desire to affect someone or something somehow in a significant way.. this is human nature on a small scale, u could say this is why it is so satisfying to pick up a pumpkin and smash it on the ground.. because it has such a large effect.. u have pieces and juices flying everywhere and u have significantly changed the state of that pumpkin once u smash it what would u rather throw on the ground? a pumpkin? or a…. t-shirt? a pumpkin. on a larger scale u have people in prison in solitary confinement.. people in solitary are unable to affect anything.. their own lives, the lives of others, anything.. one day i watched a prison reality show and a guy in solitary threw a bowl of feces on a female guard.. and he explained it like "i'm perfectly sane, i just needed a reaction" meaning he wanted to affect his environment somehow.. because he hasn't had an affect on anything or anyone in such a long time that its to the point where he's desperate to affect something somehow even if it garners a negative reaction from someone so now here's where i think u are in the mix (this is a guess) u are not excited about school.. u are kinda just going through the motions.. instead of having excitement about school u feel like ur just on this machine that has a mind of its own.. no matter what u do at school u still can't really have a profound affect on how anything happens.. everything is regimented and boring.. instead of feeling like ur steering ur life, u feel like ur strapped into life and life is driving u.. which (when internalized) makes u feel apathetic about life in general (sidenote: i think this happens to most people like u and me who are not in fraternities or organized sports.. in a sense we feel displaced because school (and in some ways society) seems to have no place for us.. couple this with us being non-typical black males and u have a recipe for further isolation as some people are afraid of us, or don't understand us, or don't want to get to know us.. also sometimes being deemed as "too white" by black people and "too black" for white people could make u get along with everyone or have the opposite affect and push one further out of what is deemed normal) ok now back to u: u seek to have a positive and profound effect on something.. part of this is expressed by you being so excited about the prospect of having a girl in your life if you had a girl- a large part, if not all of that void u have would be filled if u get rejected u probably will feel like ur back to square one of "i am not affecting my life, the lives of others, or any THINGS either" this thought process.. when internalized becomes "I AM NOT SIGNIFICANT" which seems to be expressed when u say u relate to songs with lyrics like "no matter what i do i still lose" this is my diagnosis of where u are right now tell me if i'm right or wrong here (i know i wrote a lot here but i'm a writer so that's what i do) mainly, i hope this helped him to process his feelings and see things a little clearer.. i hope it showed him i understand and i hope it gave him a little perspective i love this kid like a little brother.. when he read it he said thanks and he also said it was written like a true professional.. lol i appreciated that i hope him and i stay close, i only have that "little bro" relationship with one person other than him so i cherish it
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JaimsHere are my 2010 blogs. I can honestly say I like looking back over these, so check them out. They're teh hotness. Archives
December 2010
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