i wrote a lot here.. more than i planned to.. so here's what i'll do
if u want the jist, just read prior to the plus signs.. if u want more, read after the plus signs
prior to the plus signs i will post a cliff notes version of what comes after them
cliff notes version:
my ex questa always seemed to bash me for leaving her (3 times) when the reality was she left me all the time.. the difference was, when i left, she didn't reach out.. when she left.. i'd always stop her
the more i look back the more i see she was a total hypocrite
i want to talk about something i realized over time in my last relationship
ok let me set this up first
i left questa 3 times... by "left" i mean like immediately walked out of her apartment
here are the reasons why i left her
1. she said if i ever made fun of a certain thing that happened in her past, she would leave me.. so naturally i asked.. "what thing is this?" she wouldn't tell me.. so i was like.. ok if u will leave me over this, it seems like a big deal- however you won't tell me what it is.. so then i was like.. wait a minute what are u hiding in your past? ..after a while i ended up losing it and leaving.. because to me it sounded like she had some huge thing happen in her past that i didn't know about and she wouldn't tell me what it was
later on she said i overreacted.. but when i asked- well why did you say you would leave me if i made fun of this unknown thing? she wouldn't answer the question
when i left she didn't hit me up and apologize or say hey i didn't think that would drive u crazy, my bad.. i didn't hear from her at all.. so eventually i just apologized and told her i didn't care about what the thing was anymore
2. one time i took her to chili's and we went to target afterward and she said was like.. will you pay for my stuff at target? i was like sure.. now the thing is i was being sarcastic.. so then she asked a few more times and i was like no i'm not paying for your stuff and i guess she thought i was joking so we got to the line and i didn't pay and i actually walked to starbucks.. now when i walked to starbucks i think she thought i was trying to avoid paying for her stuff.. but i wasn't walking to starbucks to get out of paying- i wouldn't have paid even if i stayed in line with her- i actually wanted starbucks.. but i ended up not getting any because she finished in line before i bought anything..
so then she didn't talk to me for the rest of the night
so i was at her apartment hoping she would open back up but no.. she just treated me like i wasn't even there so i eventually just left
in the aftermath i was like.. why are you mad that i didn't pay for your stuff when i just took you out to dinner? it makes u look ungrateful... but she kept saying "its not the stuff, its that you said you would pay for it but you didn't keep your word"
this is something i've learned about since that relationship .. and that is that oftentimes selfish people take advantage of people who are empathic and this is a classic example of that
you have one person with no sense of accountability with a person with a heightened sense of accountability and it leads to dysfunction
so i'm pretty sure u can guess who was who in our relationship
so her saying i didn't keep my word eventually got to me (even though when i said i would buy her stuff, i was being sarcastic) .. so i reimbursed her the money she spent and just let it all go
she didn't really acknowledge that i did that either btw
3. she said she wanted to sleep with one of her male friends and i left immediately
the reason i'm saying this one so quickly is because the memories of this aren't fun for me... as a male you want to treat your girl really well and you want to hold her in high regard so for her to say such a thing is like an arrow through your heart
when i left i never heard not one word from her.. no apology- nothing.. not one word on her opinion or anything.. she did NOTHING.. so i eventually cracked and i emailed her and asked her why she didn't apologize and she said she was "only joking" and i was overreacting and she didn't really apologize but she kiiiiiiiiinda did a little bit so i latched onto that and used it as an excuse to mend things
as you can see i was always the one mending things between us.. she never put forth effort to acknowledge how her actions hurt me or affected me or led me to leaving or whatever.. whenever i left, she just let me leave like she didn't care
OK so i said all of that to say this:
over and over and over she would bring up these moments and say "you left me" and say i basically did her so wrong and she acted like she was this gracious person who had every right to never speak to me again, but still did
she actually had me believing i did her wrong but over time i realized something
SHE. LEFT. ME. ALL. THE. TIME.
i never realized it at first but one day it hit me
she left me all the time man.. the only difference was that when she would leave me, i would always stop her
one day i said this to her and she laughed.. think about how foul that is.. she LAUGHED IN MY FACE about it
i was like "you know.. you leave me all the time, the difference is, when you leave, i stop you.. when i leave you, i never hear from you again"
she laughed and said something like "you're right when u leave i just let you go"
this is what i mean when i say i put up with way too much from her
her never coming to me with an apology or anything was an indication of her pride and lack of empathy and a lack of accountability
i was always bearing the brunt of our problems and trying to fix them.. she never lifted a finger she was always just acting like i had no effect on her or like she didn't care if i was happy or sad or if i was there or gone.. it was AWFUL
so i said all that to say that basically.. i left her 3 times, she left me repeatedly
i remember one time we were wrestling for literally like an hour at my apartment.. and finally i got her in a hug hold and she was like "let me go" i was like no.. she was like "no i'm serious let me go" i was like i don't care if you're serious ur staying in this hold.. so then she gets up and starts getting her things to leave
this was soooo insulting to me because i had done a bunch of things for her that day and here she was about to leave me because i held her in a hug hold for literally a few seconds longer than she wanted.. AFTER WE HAD BEEN WRESTLING FOR LIKE AN HOUR STRAIGHT
i convinced her not to leave that night
even when she didn't leave, a lot of times she would just threaten to leave:
one time she kept telling me i was immature for like 6 hours straight because i bounced a ball in the mall.. and she kept threatening to leave me that whole span of time.. by the end of the night i could have broke down and cried smh.. i didn't but i was just breaking.. i was really close to just kicking her out but i was always hoping things would just get better
she would always leave me or find something to be upset about
i remember early on i started to notice she always seemed to complain about something and it was hard to keep her happy.. but one time when she came to visit me from knoxville we had a lot of fun and she ended up going back without us having some type of huge blowout
well guess what happened?
on her way home she got in a car accident and (sighs and holds back curse words) she used it as an opportunity to get mad at me
she got in her car accident and called me and she said my reaction wasn't good enough... apparently i didn't sound concerned enough even though i asked her where she was and if she was ok (she was fine and driving back home already when she called me)
she made me feel terrible after i tried to show her such a good time.. she was saying her friend named sweta gave her the reaction she needed and she made me feel like i couldn't do anything right
wow.. lol wait i'm kinda getting off track.. this was supposed to just be about times where we left each other.. but i guess i had to explain that to show that.. even when she didn't actually leave me in an angry huff- she would still find a way to be upset with me
i remember one day she was telling me her friend amanda told her our relationship wasn't as stable as it should be and she was upset about that
i was like, "questa, she's right.. the last 3 times u were at my apartment, you tried to leave"
and what i said that day was true, the last 3 times she was at my apartment prior to that conversation, she tried to leave
the only thing is.. i always stopped her.. i always would convince her to stay.. but she was always trying to leave and she liked to leave angry.. she liked to leave when things were at their worst and she liked to go to sleep angry and things like that.. i was always trying to keep peace and she was always seemingly against it.. it was awful
we would have an argument and i wouldn't hear from her afterwards.. i always had to be the one reaching out.. it was just a terrible feeling because it makes u feel like they don't care.. its just like a lot of people in my cell phone right now.. i know if i never hit them up, we will never speak again
that's how questa always made me feel... like she just didn't care either way
anyway.. i feel like this was supposed to be a very short post but i poured out a lot..
hopefully it made sense and hopefully it helps someone to see themselves and so they can avoid some of the things i went through.. trying to keep peace with someone who doesn't want peace
before i go, i just remembered this
i remember one time she left me without saying goodbye and she was like "you were asleep when i left" i was like "no i wasn't asleep, i just wanted to see if you'd leave without saying goodbye, and now i see you will so i really have to chase you down when u leave" and she was like
"it makes me feel like you care when u chase me"
so everytime she left me and i grabbed her and convinced her to stay and told her not to go and stood in front of the door.. she was just getting some type of sick ego boost
she felt good when she caused me distress..
and whenever she made me feel like she could leave me without ever thinking about me again, it made her feel good about herself..
think about that, the more worthless i felt, the more valuable she felt
yeah... pretty safe to say that was dysfunctional