I found an article that perfectly explained my ex g/f
Its called oppositional conversational style
I would like to share it with her but she will say something to disagree
Like if I were to email her this link or text it to her, she would say something like “it doesn’t matter, so I didn’t read it”
This not only would then make me feel small, it would also make me feel again like everything I say is stupid or incorrect or useless
I have thought a lot about trying to say “hey no hard feelings” or something like that- but I feel like she will just reopen the very wound that has caused me to break ties with her
And then if I say “saying it doesn’t matter is dismissive” she would say something else that is equally dismissive
I just found it difficult to have peace with her, apparently even as a friend.. there was no point where she would stop being like super guarded or defensive or disagreeable
Here's a short clip describing my ex g/f perfectly: this was written by Gretchen Rubin.
When I identified OCS, I thought I was the only person who had ever noticed it.
Turns out that many people have noticed it! From both sides of the OCS-dominated conversation.
A person with oppositional conversational style is a person who, in conversation, disagrees with and corrects whatever you say. He or she may do this in a friendly way, or a belligerent way, but this person frames remarks in opposition to whatever you venture.
I noticed this for the first time in a conversation with a guy a few months ago. We were talking about social media, and before long, I realized that whatever I’d say, he’d disagree with me. If I said, “X is important,” he’d say, “No, actually, Y is important.” For two hours. And I could tell that if I’d said, “Y is important,” he would’ve argued for X.
I saw this style again, in a chat with friend’s wife who, no matter what casual remark I made, would disagree. “That sounds fun,” I observed. “No, not at all,” she answered. “That must have been really difficult,” I said. “No, for someone like me, it’s no problem,” she answered. Etc.
Since those conversations, I’ve noticed this phenomenon several times.
Here are my questions about oppositional conversational style:
Is OCS a strategy that particular people use consistently? Or is there something about me, or about that particular conversation, that induced these people to use it?
Along those lines, is OCS a way to try to assert dominance, by correction? That’s how it feels, and also…
Do people who use OCS recognize this style of engagement in themselves; do they see a pattern in their behavior that’s different from that of most other people?
Do they have any idea how tiresome it can be?
In the case of the first example, he used OCS in a very warm, engaging way. Perhaps, for him, it’s a tactic to drive the conversation forward and to keep it interesting. This kind of debate did indeed throw up a lot of interesting insights and information. But, I must admit, it was wearing.
In the second example, the contradictory responses felt like a challenge.
I described oppositional conversational style to my husband and asked if he knew what I was talking about. He did.
I recognize that to be on the receiving end of the oppositional conversational style—to have someone keep telling you that you’re wrong, over and over—is not pleasant.
It’s wearing at best, and often highly annoying. Even in the case of my first example, when the OCS had a fun, friendly spirit, it took a lot of self-command for me to stay calm and un-defensive. Many points could have been made in a less “Let me set you straight” way.
And in the second example, I felt patronized. Here I was, trying to make pleasant conversation, and she kept contradicting me. It was all I could do not to roll my eyes and retort, “Fine, whatever, actually I don’t care if you had fun or not.”
Now, I’m not arguing that everyone should agree all the time. Nope. I love a debate (and I’m trained as a lawyer, which definitely has made me more comfortable, perhaps too comfortable, with confrontation). But it’s not much fun when every single statement in a casual conversation is met with,“Nope, you’re wrong; I’m right.” Skillful conversationalists can explore disagreements and make points in ways that feel constructive and positive, rather than combative or corrective.
ok so i tried to just be friends with my ex g/f but we ended up having some of the same issues we had when we were together.. recently i told her i don't want to be friends with her anymore and this has been rough for me because that's not really who i am
i'm not really the type of person to tell someone to leave my life so it has been somewhat traumatic for me to try and come to grips with what i said
the reason i said i didn't want to be friends with her is because we were texting and she told me some of her goals and in response, i said "you're declaring the end from the beginning" which is something from the bible.. and she said "no, i'm declaring the destination from the start"
i said "that's semantics"
she said "no its not"
this got under my skin a lot.. the reason it got under my skin is because i get tired of her telling me i'm wrong or trying to correct me... like what i said to her was legit in support of her goals.. i was trying to be supportive and she said i was incorrect.. like "no, you're wrong.. i'm declaring the destination from the start"
she said the same thing i said in a different way and told me i was wrong
i wanted to let it go at first but i thought about how she has done this to me MANY times
ultimately it always made me feel like what i said had no value
if i were to say something positive to someone, they would be like "yep ur right, and thanks"
but if i say something positive to my ex she will still find a way to tell me i'm wrong or tell me what i said isn't good enough
she said one day at work she told a woman that she likes the way she dresses, and the woman said "i didn't know u were looking at me that hard"
that is exactly how my ex g/f was... like i would try to be positive and she would still say something snarky.. a lot of times it really hurt more than i let on
like one time i gave her a compliment on her looks and she said: "why don't u ever compliment me on my brain, i work harder on that"
or there was one day she said my compliments don't count with her and that i need to say beautiful instead of pretty etc
this stuff adds up and becomes hard to take and it comes off as like, controlling because i can't say what is in my heart for you- i have to speak to you like a hallmark card everytime i want to compliment u
i also want to point out that her only real compliment of me was "you have great eyelashes" ... i really wish that was me joking, but i'm serious
so i just got tired of her telling me i'm wrong or incorrect or inadequate all the time in the things i say, so this time something happened.. when she changed my "you're declaring the end from the beginning" to "declaring the destination from the start" i just needed her to say "sorry james, i realize thats the same thing" but she wouldn't do it... i needed her to concede this time for my sanity and she refused.. she refused to offer any understanding for my point of view
something inside me snapped.. i ended up having to go to lunch and i went to sit in my car alone.. i just felt really bad.. i knew i had reached some type of boiling point because my peace was gone and all i was hearing in my head was.. i don't want to overlook this i want her to understand why this isn't ok... but the problem with that is- she is like very prideful and stubborn so i had no "reconcile" button to press.. my only two options with her have always been argue or ignore.. and arguing never really worked with her because its like being pulled into a world that doesn't make sense.. like logic doesn't exist in that realm.. and u might think i'm trying to be funny but i'm not
my whole point of view was "please admit that changing the words instead of just feeling what i was saying, was frivolous"
she refused.. i said "can you please just understand where i'm coming from" because it wasn't just that moment, she disagrees on a LOT of things and its hard when u are just talking about something small and a person disagrees on things that don't even matter because time and time again, your options are argue or ignore
u get tired of not being able to just talk freely like a normal person, because this person is always ready to disagree or poke a hole in something u say
so when i asked her if she could try to understand, she said "seriously, no"
i pretty much lost it at that point and that's when i told her i was done with her and i blocked her immediately after my text was sent...
i feel bad but i also just don't know how to deal with a person who is so contrary to everything.. i just don't enjoy that controlling personality type
pray for me peeps cuz on one hand i want to be there for her but on the other hand its like i feel like she dnt respect me
anyway.. that's my update for today.. peaCe
i am amazed at how much i have neglected this site for the past 8 months or so
anyway.. lately i've just been going to work, and playing horizon zero dawn.. when i get home.. that game is amazing.. i have over 50 hours in the game.. haven't beat it or anything.. right now just doing side quests and still learning mechanics and weapons
i am single.. now that everything is said and done i'm still cool with my ex g/f and i hope she is blessed.. i just felt like she didn't want to follow me.. if a girl says "i don't want to go to ur church, i want to find my own" or "i don't want to live where you live" or "i want to hyphenate my last name with yours" (which are all things she said) then you realize she just doesn't want to follow u
i tried to explain these things but they kept becoming arguments so its prob just better that we go our separate ways
i want a real woman- one who knows her place and knows a family has ONE head, not two
u get really tired of hearing about how "ur controlling" and blah blah blah.. when the truth is these women just don't know what a man is
i heard a quote once that said if u don't understand a thing's use, then that will lead to ab-use (abuse)
i know whoever is reading this is saying "oh so u don't want ur woman to talk?"
think whatever u want because i am tired of having to explain why 1+1 is 2
explaining to someone why a man wants respect from his girl/wife is like explaining why being gay is wrong.. anyone who asks doesn't really want an answer
ok all of a sudden i no longer want to type.. so consider that my update for today.. lol peaCe