i want to take a minute to explain how i'm feeling about my life right now
i feel like everyone benefits from my life except me i find it to be irritating that i have a high school diploma, and a bachelor's degree, and a master's degree, and nearly 2 decades of work history- yet i have nothing to show for all of this effort this is something that has to end at some point.. i need to benefit from my efforts i have done so much in my life yet i still live hand to mouth and paycheck to paycheck even creatively i have never received anything back from any of what i have done.. i have multiple albums and over a decade of entries here on this site yet i make no money from any of it i feel like everyone benefits from me except for me i am on this site and even when i ignore it for months on end, i have like hundreds of viewers daily... i have not received one penny from my presence on this site.. even with the donations button i put on the front page, no one has ever used it.. and i'm ok with that so if ur reading this don't feel bad- but i'm just wanting to make my point that i feel weebly likely gets money from my presence but i don't get any also with the music i've made.. i've never sold an album on my bandcamp page or anything but i've gotten enough compliments to know i'm not trash on the mic.. listeners benefit but i don't even pursuing females throughout my life.. i've spent money on them, spent time on them, i've complimented them, taken them out, i've always been there and i don't ask for anything back... keep in mind i believe sex is for marriage so i'm not even asking them for that, yet oftentimes i can't even get basic respect from them.. i can't get them to text me back or call me back or reciprocate the love i give.. for example... the last time i spoke to questa- i told her i wanted to take her out for her birthday and she texts me like an hour before i was going to drive to her apartment and pick her up and she basically says u better not touch me, if u want to touch me u can just stay home even if that's how u feel, why do u talk to me that way? like i'm sitting up here really giving up my saturday to take u out and i'm thinking about ways to make u happy and u just talk to me like i'm your child or something like i'm just tired of living this way.. again- people benefit from my presence but i don't i have a car payment and its nice having a car but they are benefiting from the interest i pay i have an education but again, they are benefiting with the interest involved, also i have not benefited with a corresponding career- so what was the point? i applied to thousands of jobs over the past year and never got one until i used staffing agencies i even had one job tell me i was overqualified.. tell me that's not a kick in the teeth i can't even afford to live alone so i live with my parents and pay them rent and so even they benefit from me but i don't have privacy or independence.. so again.. everyone benefits from me except me i am just over this lifestyle.. its a waste look at church, i put a lot of money into church but when i tried to move to west tennessee to be with the church and i was dead broke i didn't even get any advice on what to do.. i was given $100 but how long will that last when you're so far out in the country that you have to drive 25 minutes just to get to wal-mart? you work and work and work and work and you get next to nothing out of it look at renting.. i lived at my apartment for 4 years and was never late on rent one time.. when i got laid off did they make an accommodation for me? or when i went in the office because they kept raising my rent, did they give me a break? i'm saying this without arrogance but my presence is one of the best things.. like i have made so many people happy and rich and encouraged i even think about my sister, a few years ago she was in a bad position in her life and i approached her and tried to uplift her but when the situation changes and i'm in a bad position all she does is make fun of me.. i even asked her to borrow $30 for a few days and she couldn't spare it.. like its very apparent that she's not there for me the way i tried to be there for her, and she's not the only one who has been in my life this way even most of my "friends" i've had have never had my back.. i can tell because when they tell me about their lives i try to listen and feel them but when i tell them about my life they just criticize me you may be thinking i'm complaining or you may wonder why i'm writing this.. the reason i'm writing this is because i want this to mark a starting point i want this to mark the day i start looking out for self i don't currently know the first steps but i plan on figuring all of that out starting today i am tired of living my life for others directly or indirectly its time for me to have some type of power, autonomy, and control so this marks day one wish me luck
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enid and seymourthe transition.. and the last hurdle archives
August 2023
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