i decided to do a part 2 of that entry because like i said in there.. it wasn't a comprehensive list.. so i decided to write the other indicators of cheating that i didn't write in the first one
before i start please allow me to explain why i believe this is important
when i used to write about my ex i think i was writing to gain an understanding.. if you're with a narcissist then chances are- people around you won't truly understand what you went through
so writing was cathartic and it helped me to solidify my understanding of what i had just been through
however, i believe what i'm doing now is purging
i feel that i am beyond the stage of trying to gain understanding, and now i am just trying to purge all the remaining thoughts, painful moments, traumatic experiences, etc
i have truly struggled with the thought that this girl i thought was so beautiful was constantly lying and cheating on me, and it took a long time for me to be able to actually face it and say these things
the thought of her being great to some guy who uses her but being awful to me was just devastating to me
but i have finally (by the grace of God) gotten to a place where i am able to speak about everything in full detail and i'm able to forgive her and look toward the future...
so that's why i'm writing these- not because i'm hopelessly obsessed, but because i am purging so that i can move on fully and not carry these awful experiences with me into the next phases of my life
i never wanted to have to ACT like i was ok but be broken inside.. and because i have spent so much time alone, spent so much time learning and processing, and because i've been able to write everything out, i believe i'm in the last stage of recovery from narcissistic abuse
so i won't have to put on a phony face of being ok and be a wreck inside.. i am actually pretty much at the place of being ok with the things that have happened and i'm thankful for that because this whole experience has been massively painful to me
so without further ado, here are more reasons why i believe she was cheating on me...
16. i got to a place where i always felt uneasy around her.. there was just a feeling of dread or a feeling like i was being lied to or like a feeling of danger of some sort
one thing i've noticed from reading about narcissism survivors online is that many of them learn two primary things 1. establish proper boundaries 2. listen to your gut
when i look back at that feeling of unease that i had, i think that must've been God's way of telling me to cut that relationship loose
i wish i didn't have to learn the hard way how to listen to my gut but hey, at least i know now
17. at some point i started searching youtube and google for things like "ways to know your spouse is cheating" "how to know if she's cheating" etc
just the very fact that i was looking those things up should've kept me from staying in the relationship.. part of the problem was (like i said) me not listening to that inner voice.. but another aspect of the problem was she always had a lie or excuse or deception or deflection or manipulation for everything
getting away from all of that allows you to think straight again
18. she started projecting cheating tendencies onto me.. i will explain projection again really quick.. psychological projection is when you tell someone they do what you do
so there were many times she accused me of things that didn't make any sense to me but a lot of those projections were actually cheating projections.. meaning she had cheating in her heart
here are some examples of cheating projections she put on me (note all of these actually happened, they're not generic examples)
A. "you took your phone in the bathroom"
(if she were to take her phone in the bathroom it would be to keep it from you just in case a suspect text came in)
B. "delete that girl from your phone"
(she likely is talking to a guy who likes her, and who she likes- behind your back)
C. getting mad at the fact that i had female friends
(this means her male friends are not actual friends, they are past lovers and/or current standbys)
D. "you can go back to having that fling you're having with so and so"
(this means she has been having a fling behind your back)
E. she "cleaned my apartment" multiple times when i was gone.. looking back, i think she was just using that as a cover to snoop through my things.. this is another projection.. if they are going through your things then that basically means you should probably go through their things.. because they think you have something to hide the same way they do
none of these accusations against me were accurate or true
i really used to be puzzled as to why/how she thought a guy who doesn't even have sex would even waste time "cheating"
but when you realize the person is projecting their own personality traits onto you- then you realize what is truly happening
any men reading this.. if your girl accuses you of cheating, chances are she is a woman with a cheating heart
its like a "takes one to know one" type of thing
if your woman doesn't trust you- chances are she isn't trustworthy
if your women accuses you of lying- chances are she's a liar, etc
they suspect you of ill behavior because of their own behavior
what they say to you doesn't speak to your conduct, it speaks to THEIR conduct
19. this one was like less than 5 seconds long, but it seemed to speak volumes
so one day she was telling me i wasn't trustworthy or something and i flipped it on her and i was like "yeah right, that's you" and she was like "no it's not" so then i hit her with "ok then let me see your phone"
and here was the weird part
she kinda hesitated to hand it to me and i remember she had this little sort of lost and guilty facial expression.. for that little moment, it seemed like she knew she had been caught.. just her hesitation and facial expression and body language were just showing that something was about to go down
i peeped this in that short 3 second period or whatever, but before i even asked her for her phone i knew i was going to say nevermind.. because ultimately i was trying to show her that she doesn't trust me but i trust her
so i followed through with my original plan and i said "just messing you can keep your phone" but at the same time it felt like i spoke too soon
because her body language said she was caught... for a minute after that- i almost wanted to be like.. no actually- let me see it.. but i just let it go
20. one day i was at her house alone and in the place where i was sitting, i looked over and i saw some pamphlets.. one of the pamphlets said "so you want to get an abortion" and i can't remember the other one exactly..
anyway, i asked her about them and she said she went to planned parenthood to get a checkup but this old couple outside thought she was going in to get an abortion and they gave her those pamphlets and they gave her a rosary
this matched up with the story she told me prior to seeing those pamphlets so i believed it but there was also a part of me that wondered why she didn't throw the pamphlets away... i also wondered why she went to planned parenthood to get checked up when she worked in a hospital
21. one day she told me she was thinking about going back on birth control to lessen her issues she was having with her periods
i just wasn't sure if she was being 100% truthful as to her reasons for wanting to go back on birth control
22. she would sometimes look at me in a shifty way.. like sometimes i could tell she would look at me out of the corner of her eye.. it seems like a shifty and devious way of looking at someone
i thought about it and i realized it seems to indicate that you have ill intentions because if you are looking at someone indirectly its almost like saying you're approaching them indirectly.. if you're looking at me but you're trying to look as if you're not.. it's like the body language version of showing that there is a disconnect between what you're actually doing and what you're trying to look like you're doing
also i specifically remember one day i went to her house and she looked at me with a quiet look of contempt.. it was weird.. i wanted to show her that i cared so i went to the store and got her some medicine from walgreens, and when i came back i handed it to her and she was like "oh.." and she put it on the dresser.. it wasn't like thank you james it was just like a quiet and stoic reaction
i remember she was looking at me that day like she had some type of secret.. it was almost like the way you would feel if you walked into a room where people just got done talking bad about you.. it was that same sort of feeling
23. one day i was texting her and she was giving me very spaced out dismissive one-word responses.. i just knew she was talking to another guy that day
24. she used to say messed up things to me disguised as jokes.. like "i can get some d*** it's easy" or sometimes she would make comments about how she would leave me and replace me and not think twice about it.. or one time she was mad at me and she talked about one of her male friends like he was better than me.. on valentine's day she told me she would have sex with this particular male friend of hers.. her words were something like "we're just friends but if i couldn't find anybody i'd f*** him" ..that was like a dagger through my heart.. and i left her that night but she never apologized so i eventually broke and emailed her and we started talking again..
when i emailed her i was like "did you really think that was an ok thing to say to me?" she said "i was joking" (again making me sound like i was overreacting) and she gave me another phony apology like "i'm sorry you felt that way" ... even though the apology was phony i tried my best to accept it.. i just wanted to overlook the situation and just put it out of my mind at the time.. even though her comment was foul, i didn't want to lose her over one comment (although today i realize that comment was indicative of her heart and her lack of respect for me, so if that happened again, i wouldn't look back)
looking at it today, i think she thought i left to hurt her but the reality was i left because i was hurt.. and because i wanted her to see i wouldn't put up with that type of disrespect.. but i don't think the message got through.. because over time the narrative just became "you left me on valentine's" with no acknowledgement of WHY
25. one day i showed her a video online where a guy was trying to get his woman to calm down.. and she texted me back something like "i would've calmed down for him he's fine"
again, just showing me blatant disrespect and honoring other men in front of me.. meanwhile her only compliment to me was that i "have nice eyelashes" smh.. (i wish i was lying)
her comment wasn't an indicator of action but it was an indicator of the character that could lead to the action of cheating
also, just the very fact that she didn't calm down for me or give me any type of peace in real life, yet she said she would for this guy in the video showed me a lot
its like a girl never cooking for you but then LL cool j or someone is on tv and she says "i'd cook for him anyday" ...it's just messed up
and i called her on that but of course she had more gaslighting and rebuttals
it was like she gave me just enough reassurance to stay in the relationship.. but never enough to actually feel secure
26. we used to try and pray together but over time she didn't want to pray with me.. i felt that this was odd.. looking back i think it makes more sense considering she was probably cheating on me and she probably felt that she didn't want to pray with me knowing she was being deceptive and maybe i couldn't see it but God could
another thing that happened like this was she told me about a dream she had and i told her that the pastor of my church is able to interpret dreams, i asked her if she wanted to share it with him and she said no.. when i asked her why she said "because its MY dream"
again this was odd to me at the time but looking at it now, i feel like she didn't want to share it because she feared being exposed by a true prophet (also if you look in the bible you realize jezebel and true prophets DO NOT GET ALONG AT ALL throughout history)
i also think this is why she never wanted to meet with the people at my church.. because she feared being exposed.. they always want to meet with new members to allow them a chance to share and maybe get prayer or guidance.. but she never wanted to meet with them.. when you tell a person a preacher or prophet can see more about you than what you verbally share- the truth is it scares many people off
27. it came to a point where she just never gave me straight answers about anything anymore.. every question i had was answered with a question or an accusation or a distraction or some type of fake answer that didn't answer my actual question
there is no way to grow in a relationship if a person doesn't show you who they are or what they're dealing with
also this type of thing breeds arguing.. when you ask someone something but they respond in a sideways type of way, all it does is bring argument.. i used to want peace, and she even said she wanted to be a source of peace in my life, but that was never going to happen as long as she was being evasive about everything.. its like going to the dr. and rolling your eyes refusing to tell him what the ailment is.. you get nowhere
looking back though.. i see it through a clear lens.. she couldn't speak directly because then she wouldn't know what lie to tell.. she wouldn't be able to keep up with which lie to try and juggle or which deception to pull out of her arsenal.. so just saying something that doesn't answer my question at all, or something that is a distraction or an argument, or saying something that throws me off completely is what she deemed to be the best course of action
this type of person is in the bible also.. remember when God asked cain where his brother abel was, and cain said "am i my brother's keeper?" that's not a straight answer and it has a certain level of attitude with it.... also the fact was he murdered abel... so oftentimes when people are inexplicably cagey, hostile, and/or defensive its because they have done wrong, or are doing wrong, or plan to do wrong
ok so those are all the reasons why i felt she was cheating on me.
now here are just some weird things that occurred
28. when i gave her things, oftentimes i noticed she didn't want to take them in front of me
like for example that day i got her the medicine, she said she needed it to feel energetic again.. she was low on iron so i got her the iron pills.. but when i gave them to her she just set them on the nightstand thing and didn't take them in front of me
one day i got her some things for her birthday and when i handed them to her she just set them next to her and kept watching tv.. and granted on this day she was mad at me, but still
or one day she said she wanted a reese's.. so next time i saw her i gave her a reese's.. but then she basically told me she doesn't even eat reese's.. i was very puzzled at this, but when she left my apartment, i realized she had taken it with her
one day i had some juice i bought that i didn't like, i told her she could have it.. she tried it and she liked it.. so some time passed and she was in the kitchen and i was in my room.. but i got up and when i got up it was like she heard me coming, and so she had rushed out of the kitchen and went to the bathroom.. so i walked into the kitchen and i saw that she had spilled that juice on the floor
i was puzzled by that, but what occurred to me was that she was drinking the juice, but she didn't want me to see her drinking it.. she had a weird thing where she sometimes didn't want you to know that she enjoyed something you provided for her
she didn't want to acknowledge what you did for her but let you "mess up" somehow you never hear the end of it
29. one day she bought a huge family meal from bojangles.. the next day when i got home from work there was a plate of food there for me.. but i was wondering where the rest was.. i was thinking "did she eat all of that?" for a second i wondered if she had someone else come over and eat some while i was at work.. there was no real evidence of foul play- but i just thought it was odd that the huge family meal was gone so soon
30. she used to joke about me getting her pregnant and then her leaving me and raising our child on her own.. definitely a weird thing to joke about
this may honestly be the end of my purging, so if you read all of this A. thanks for peepin what i've been saying.. and B. please think about what i've said and use some of it to get the snakes out of your own life
as for my feelings about my ex, i've had extreme sadness and anger but today i just feel like by the grace of God i'm unaffected by all the pain and confusion she has caused me
i'm going to keep it real i don't pray for her at all.. i don't wish bad or good on her.. i don't look her up on social media.. i just try to process all of the crap she put me through so that i can come out unscathed and hopefully wiser
that relationship was awful and looking back, there were really no good parts.. there were only "breathers" between chaos, confusion, and being accused of things i wasn't doing
i will admit she was utterly beautiful and everything i've ever wanted in a woman as far as looks.. but looks mean nothing if a woman isn't treating you with respect..
i've been thinking about a concept here and there and that is the concept that any man with a bad woman is a beta male.. any man who is single, or with a good woman is an alpha male
i don't think you can have a bad, broken, crazy, narcissistic woman and be called an alpha male..
in a sense- alpha and beta are more about what you choose to put up with than they are about money, abs, status symbols, etc
i realized this one day when i was watching a courtney love interview and she said she cheated on her ex because "he was a beta male"
my thought was "any man who would be with you is a beta male"
if obama was with courtney love he'd be a beta male.. its not about the man, its about the woman he puts up with.. why?
because say there's a man with a bad woman- he's a beta male.. but say they break up and he gets with a good woman- he's an alpha male
the man is the same with both women... but he takes on an identity based on what he is willing to put up with..
how can you be an alpha male with a woman who flirts with other guys or cheats or disrespects you?
it doesn't matter how much time you spend in the gym or how many zeros are at the end of your check.. if you walk hand in hand with crap then- "birds of a feather"
so men... get your standards up and get your boundaries in tact.. and know that being alone is better than being with a dense skank with nothing to offer u but pain and confusion
again- believe it or not, SINGLE MEN ARE ALPHAS too.. not just men with 5 girlfriends
anyway.. i think i've said enough.. u all take it easy and much thanks to the Lord for giving me the strength to face all of the trauma head on, and much thanks to Him for delivering me from the pain