sooo.. i've been avoiding this for a while but for some reason today i feel i can get it out
this post is likely to bring back terrible memories and also make me look like the village idiot but i think i'm going to just go ahead and do it.. i'm not even sure why but i'm going to do it what's this post going to be about? i'm going to detail all the reasons why i believe my ex cheated on me behind my back all i want to say is this.. please don't look at me like i'm stupid after you read this.. when you read this you are likely to say "wow, how did you not see that at the time?" or "wow why did you stay after that?" you have to understand this relationship was just pure insanity.. looking back i feel like the entire relationship was a lie and the entire relationship was a distraction so if the entire thing was a lie and a distraction then realize i was dealing with lies and distractions the entire time i look back and i see things a lot differently than when i was in the relationship.. narcissists gaslight you to a point where you don't know up from down anymore... you don't know when they're serious or when they're joking, you don't know if they're going to be nice or leave you.. you are just caught up in nonsense the whole time and this way they are able to evade a lot of accountability and get away with a lot let it be known, i noticed all of this while it was happening, but i wanted to believe she wasn't cheating on me- so i had a lot of hope.. its not that i didn't see the signs.. i was just hoping i was wrong because i really liked her also let it be known.. when i talk about this, i think some of this stuff came about when we had arguments and things.. there was a few times where we didn't speak for a few days or a week.. i think the longest we didn't speak was like two weeks my reasoning for not speaking to her was to get her to see i wasn't going to put up with her treating me badly... but when i'd leave she never would apologize.. so eventually i would crack and just forgive her because i wanted her- i just didn't want her mouth and attitude etc so in short, some of the cheating was when we were on bad terms which is why at some points i couldn't be fully angry, but i also think at some points she was cheating when we were on on decent terms, or when we were supposed to be making it right so without further ado... here we go these are the reasons i believe my ex was cheating on me in my last relationship (no particular order.. also believe it or not this is not a comprehensive list) 1. one day i went into her apartment and i noticed she had alcohol in her refrigerator i had been with her for about a year and she never had alcohol before, so it was peculiar.. but the main thoughts that kept running through my head at the time were: "who drinks alone?" "no one really drinks alone" 2. around this same time, one day we were in wal-mart and she saw some bottle of alcohol and she said "oh, i have that! it's really good, it has a really nutty taste" and she started cracking up laughing when she said "nutty taste" that seemed to be the punchline and all i remember was thinking she must've had that wine or whatever it was when some guy was at her apartment and "nutty taste" became some type of sexual inside joke involving semen or balls or something it seemed like she was just laughing too hard for it to be anything else i remember at the time wanting to probe... but i couldn't bring myself to do it.. i was too afraid of her telling me something that would truly have cut deep.. i just held my peace hoping my hunch was incorrect 3. she got extremely hot and cold with me.. i used to wonder why and i couldn't figure it out.. i used to ask her why and she never had a real answer i could hang my hat on the truth is a man can't serve two masters, he will love one and hate the other or cling to one and despise the other imo, cheating was like the only thing that really explained her constant hot and cold 4. one day i said to her: "wow your booty looks bigger! this is nice, what's going on?" or something.. this was legitimately purely a compliment, it wasn't a jab or anything, it was just a semi humorous compliment because she used to say her booty was like a pancake she responded to my compliment with "that's because i've been having sex with other guys and my butt's been getting bigger!" this cut deep but this was after so much hot/cold and so many arguments, and so much confusion that i ignored it i didn't know if she was telling the truth or just trying to get a rise out of me.. these people can become so toxic and unpredictable that you just don't know what's real anymore so you just hope for the best like i said, that cut deep 5. One day she sent me a video from derrick jaxn where he basically said women will cheat on you if they don’t get what they want (this video was under the heading “advice for guys” or “advice for men” or something like that, so you can look it up if you want) When she sent me the video she said “watch this, you’ll think its funny” After she knew i watched it, she said "i wonder if you knew something was going on" this one hurt a LOT... especially considering she sent me this right when we were supposed to be trying a "let's start over as a couple" period days prior to her sending me this i had asked her if she cheated on me and she said no, so this came completely out of nowhere part of me wanted to just say something like "look, did you have sex with someone?" but i didn't because she got to where she never really gave me straight answers and i was so hurt that i didn't have the strength for another crazy back and forth where i ask her something and she answers my question with a question 6. i used to go to church near where she lived.. so one day i went to church and after church i called her and i was like hey i just left church i'm going to stop by she said "i don't want you to come over" this resonated deep inside of me.. it just seemed like the type of "no" you should never receive from your girl i was just totally emasculated and puzzled as to whether she even liked me or not that was very painful 7. One day she came over after work to pick up some stuff she had at my apartment.. well when she came in she started getting her things and getting ready to go this hurt a lot to see... i didn't let on but i noticed she just came over and was getting her stuff like she didn't want to spend any time with me... behaviors like these to me are bad signs and red flags... even if you just need to pick up one thing from my house, you should at least act happy to see me or have a seat on the couch or something watching her do that like i wasn't even there was a blow i took it on the chin and kinda grabbed her and convinced her to spend time with me instead of just get her things and leave.. this leads me to number 8 because number 8 is what happened after i convinced her to stay and chill with me before she left 8. We were talking and somewhere in the conversation side dudes came up.. then she was saying something about having a side dude. The thing about these narcissistic people is sometimes you don't know if they are just trying to get under your skin or if they're serious (which is probably how they like it). However, this time i noticed she kept smirking, so i asked her if she had one she said she had 4 of them.. and i was like who? and i was like is it so and so? (some guy she mentioned to me prior) and she said yes at this point her mood was perfectly fine and like unbothered but i was like devastated.. i just sat there trying to process what she said.. basically from what i gathered, she had 3 or 4 guys but one or two were more serious than the others if i remember correct i asked her if she kissed him and she said "you're going to get your feelings hurt" and then i asked her if they had sex and she didn't say anything so at this point i had to lay down so i went to my bedroom and she came in and she ended up saying they kissed but there was no sex when she said that i gained some life back but i wanted to make sure so i eventually asked her again "did you have sex?" and she was like "no i'm not that type of girl" (which made no sense to me based on what i know about her) as i tried to probe more she got her things and left I had a feeling like she wasn’t being truthful and something wasn’t right 9. When she came over the last two times she was distant. the second to last time she slept at my house (literal sleep i'm not sexually active i believe sex is for marriage) she slept upside down with her head where the feet go so i couldn't hug her or anything the last time she came over and stayed the night she was wearing some type of biker pants.. usually she wouldn't wear anything like that to sleep.. when i asked her why she was wearing those said she “didn’t want her thighs to touch” ...it just seemed like... peculiar and of course that probably doesn't seem like a big deal but small changes like that can mean a lot when it comes to women 10. She got b.v. (bacterial vaginosis) seemingly out of nowhere.. when I suggested that maybe the stress at work was causing it (stress creating an imbalance in the body) she said “stop trying to make it make sense” looking back, that sounds like "back off because i don't want you to find out how i really got it" 11. one day when i was at her house i thought i felt a crust on one of her blankets.. like a dried semen stain i only felt it once when my hand grazed her blanket.. i wasn't sure if i was trippin or not so i went back into her bedroom and i wanted to see if i could look closer at the blanket but when she saw me walk into her bedroom she came in behind me and said what are you doing? and gave me a look.. i just acted like i wanted to look out the window.. but the next time she came over, she brought her laundry to do at my apartment and guess what was in there with her clothing? that blanket i didn't remember her bringing that any other time when she did her laundry before 12. She said her and some guy at her job were “just friends” but then one day when she and i were supposed to be getting back together we were both at work and she texted me: "i know you don't want to hear this but..." the guy came into her office and went to hug her and she pushed him off and told him she would try to work things out with me my issue was, if that was just your friend then: A. why would i not want to hear about it if its just a friend? B. why would he immediately go to hug you? if he's just a friend C. why would you push him off.. an actual friend can hug you anytime.. only someone you've been intimate with would push you off D. if he's just a friend why can't he be your friend when i come back into the picture? then she went on to say he needs to back off because he doesn't "want more" which sounded like “more than sex” to me She admitted he had been over her house multiple times.. looking back it sounds like they had a fling, a no strings attached, a Netflix and chill, friends with benefits thing i texted her.. "he doesn't want more than what?" she said "friendship" i sat there feeling uneasy 13. One day she was saying she just needed to watch porn so she pulled out her phone and started looking up porn sites.. i was like shocked by this, but i took her phone and told her if you're going to watch porn you're not watching it at my house so anyway some time passed and one day she was at my house and i said "have you been watching porn lately?" and she said "not really, i want the real thing" this just made me think she was having sex with someone or planning to 14. there was one day where she legit should've been at home or at least able to pick up the phone.. based on the time and the day, she should have been able to pick up one of my calls or text me back but she didn't what's worse is later one day i said "where were you that day when i was trying to reach you?" she changed the subject... i knew something was going on but it was one of those moments where i didn't want to keep probing because i wasn't ready to have my heart ripped out and stomped on i just let it go but i didn't let it go if you know what i mean... i didn't bring it back up but i never forgot that 15. One day she accidentally sent me a text that sounded like she was going on a date in the text she said "that sounds good.. friday at such and such time, no drinks!" or something like that when she realized she sent it to me she said it was for her female friend who was coming in to town leading up to that friday, she told me she would come over but she didn't.. later i asked a female friend why a woman would do that and she said "all the times i've seen things like that its due to cheating" now here's what happened when that friday actually came around we were texting but she was having an attitude and complaining that when i gave her compliments they weren't good enough because i say she'd a cutie and i say she's hott.. but she was saying i should call her beautiful instead this was very odd to me, and it sounded like she was comparing my compliments to another guy's compliments.. if i remember correct i even asked her if she was comparing me to someone else and she said no we got into it a bit and she finally said "have a nice day" to me.. this was like 3pm.. if your spouse says have a nice day at like 3pm that's basically like saying i'm not talking to you at least until tomorrow... so i knew something was wrong anyway.. i guess i caved because i finally wrote a long text telling her how beautiful she was to me.. this was a long and detailed text complimenting her and pouring out to her... she responded "thank you" that made my heart drop... i said so much and she just said two words like i didn't matter at all.. so i eventually emailed her like asking her where her head was at... i happen to have her email response here so i'll post what she said back to me (i'll put her words in a diff color for clarity) The "thank you" text message. I didn't get off work until 5:30 because someone scheduled my last appt later than they were suppose to and I had a lot of charting to do. My phone was literally dying so I didn't want to not say anything so I acknowledged that you were trying so that's why I said thank you. looking at this today, it's just lies.. the fact is she had a guy taking her out that day and so she treated me like dirt.. but this is what i was always dealing with.. her having these elaborate lies that were always geared to make me look like i'm overreacting or like i am the bad guy here's another segment from that same email she sent me (this part is her explanation as to why she said she would come over but didn't) Again I stayed at work late and didn't get home til late. I was exhausted and I didn't meet up with Sweta at all, so I came home. Cooked something and went to bed. I didn't think you cared about me coming or not so I didn't think to text to tell you I wasn't coming to Spring Hill. If you felt worried or wanted to clarify I feel that you could have picked up the phone and texted or called me to see if I was coming. And I'm not saying that to be smart or anything, but you have a habit of expecting things to be okay and not conveying to me if your ever worried about me so I stopped thinking about you having worries. If you felt worried than say it because I can't read your thoughts and you've said many times that you assume I'm good, so if that's the case I don't see why this is an issue other than you having to clean, and if that's the issue than....the reality is you still needed to clean anyway. But I'm not gonna dismiss the fact that you cleaned up for me. That is sweet that you want your home to be clean and welcoming to me. I do appreciate that. look at how she spoke to me.. she was so mean to me.. just so much blameshift and no real understanding or anything.. just very elaborate lies and blaming and gaslighting Recap: -I received text message that sounded like she had a date -She noticed this and told me it was her female friend sweta -The day she would end up having this “date with Sweta” she told me my compliments to her aren’t good enough (sounds like her “date” was giving her good compliments) -I was blindsided and tried to explain my side, she said that she was “over it” and told me to “have a nice day” at like 3pm -I texted her and tried to express my best compliment to her in a long text.. she replied with just two words “thank you” and I didn’t hear anything else from her that day now note this segment.. she sent me this email the very next day after this email exchange above: But going forward I want you to understand that things like this lead me to distrust you, but like I said last night I'm no longer going to worry about your friends, ex's, or dating life, so don't say I'm acting weird if I don't show concern if one of them texts, calls, or does something inappropriate or disrespectful because at this point if you don't care to tell me the full story than I don't care to listen to it....and not being harsh I'm being real. Now note that the same thing goes for me and my friends. Going forward I'm not gonna share the things about my friends, ex's, or dating life, so that things will just be neutral for us all around. what's notable is this talk about not sharing information about friends, ex's, or dating life, came right after i had suspicions that she was going on dates behind my back now i don't know if we were technically together at this point or not but the problem was the lies and the deceits see- if we were broken up and just talking again i'm not exactly mad at her for going out with someone else but don't lie about it.. because basically once you start lying then you're leading me on i ultimately wanted her and i to work out.. i didn't want her to see other people i wanted to work on us, and she knew that's what i wanted but she was just lying to me and acting like she was still single but she was seeing someone else but looking back, i can see why we were never able to fix "us" ...because she was just no genuine with me.. u can't fix a relationship if only one person is being genuine so i was putting in a ton of effort like some type of crash test dummy while she was just doing whatever she wanted to do i used to wonder why it seemed like she didn't care.. it was because she had other guys in the background anyway.. i forgive her for lying to me, cheating on me behind my back, destroying my sense of self, and crushing my ego, and deceiving me and torturing me with gaslighting and toxic "logic" ... i forgive her and i'm just glad all of that is over the whole thing was just pain on top of pain on top of pain but i let it go and i guess i have officially exposed myself and all the crap i put up with needlessly so its all out there so i'm done it's a wrap over and out
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August 2023
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