i recorded this tonight
its not finished but peep if u want
the final version may have diff words, a diff beat, an actual chorus etc
this was so spot on and so comprehensive concerning what it's like to be with a narcissist or jezebel type of person
I've decided if anyone ever really asks me what it was like, I'm going to direct them to this video because it pretty much explains everything
i asked this guy at my job if he was going to see the han solo movie and he said he doesn't watch star wars anymore
i asked him why and when he answered this is basically all i heard
i'm not even joking.. after work i applied to 70 jobs yesterday
i CANNOT WAIT to get out of this place and away from clowns like this
a while back this yr i did an entry on cold showers.. i just want to make it known that i've only taken cold showers since then
i never went back to warm showers.. i've been strictly on the frosty rinse
as for my jobs searches.. i've been having some back and forth correspondence with some companies
overall i'm just trying to follow the Lord's will
i believe the Lord is going to open something up for me in west tennessee and i'm really happy about it because i'm ready to leave middle tennessee behind
i'm excited to leave my current job and where i live to head to west tennessee and get into the career path i studied for
there are a lot of pretty women in memphis.. i'm so happy to be headed out that way
i am over my current life.. i am legitimately looking forward to a new start
i've been eating a ton of apple pie lately for some reason
those things are so good
i've also been destroying that reese's ice cream from breyers
i haven't been listening to a ton of music lately but i listened to the silent alarm album from bloc party earlier.. that album is good.. i really like the mix on their songs and i like the lead singer's voice a lot
its a good departure from my normal shoegaze routine.. i love shoegaze however it can kinda depress you over time.. almost like having rain for too many days in a row or something
as for the shoegaze i've been listening to, whirr has been in rotation here and there recently
lately i've been having thoughts about my ex g/f chrissy from high school.. we were together for about 5yrs
i don't know why but i've been thinking thoughts like "man i wish i married her"
part of me wishes we got married, but another part of me feels i wouldn't have been able to handle it..
i remember she left me once and i didn't eat for like 2 months... i remember all i was able to stomach was tea and popcorn, i was straight up BROKEN
i'm not sure why she pops into my head sometimes
to this day she's still the best female i've ever dated
we were able to laugh about any stupid thing.. i remember we used to have some inside joke about hot box soup.. like soup in a box or something
some of my best memories were when we used to watch mtv2 together after school.. or when we used to go to church twice a week, once at brentwood methodist and once at christ church.. they both had a weekly ministry geared toward people in their 20s so it was a lot of fun
those simple peaceful moments meant a lot
anyway i'm legit up too late.. so i'm prob rambling
i decided to do a part 2 of that entry because like i said in there.. it wasn't a comprehensive list.. so i decided to write the other indicators of cheating that i didn't write in the first one
before i start please allow me to explain why i believe this is important
when i used to write about my ex i think i was writing to gain an understanding.. if you're with a narcissist then chances are- people around you won't truly understand what you went through
so writing was cathartic and it helped me to solidify my understanding of what i had just been through
however, i believe what i'm doing now is purging
i feel that i am beyond the stage of trying to gain understanding, and now i am just trying to purge all the remaining thoughts, painful moments, traumatic experiences, etc
i have truly struggled with the thought that this girl i thought was so beautiful was constantly lying and cheating on me, and it took a long time for me to be able to actually face it and say these things
the thought of her being great to some guy who uses her but being awful to me was just devastating to me
but i have finally (by the grace of God) gotten to a place where i am able to speak about everything in full detail and i'm able to forgive her and look toward the future...
so that's why i'm writing these- not because i'm hopelessly obsessed, but because i am purging so that i can move on fully and not carry these awful experiences with me into the next phases of my life
i never wanted to have to ACT like i was ok but be broken inside.. and because i have spent so much time alone, spent so much time learning and processing, and because i've been able to write everything out, i believe i'm in the last stage of recovery from narcissistic abuse
so i won't have to put on a phony face of being ok and be a wreck inside.. i am actually pretty much at the place of being ok with the things that have happened and i'm thankful for that because this whole experience has been massively painful to me
so without further ado, here are more reasons why i believe she was cheating on me...
16. i got to a place where i always felt uneasy around her.. there was just a feeling of dread or a feeling like i was being lied to or like a feeling of danger of some sort
one thing i've noticed from reading about narcissism survivors online is that many of them learn two primary things 1. establish proper boundaries 2. listen to your gut
when i look back at that feeling of unease that i had, i think that must've been God's way of telling me to cut that relationship loose
i wish i didn't have to learn the hard way how to listen to my gut but hey, at least i know now
17. at some point i started searching youtube and google for things like "ways to know your spouse is cheating" "how to know if she's cheating" etc
just the very fact that i was looking those things up should've kept me from staying in the relationship.. part of the problem was (like i said) me not listening to that inner voice.. but another aspect of the problem was she always had a lie or excuse or deception or deflection or manipulation for everything
getting away from all of that allows you to think straight again
18. she started projecting cheating tendencies onto me.. i will explain projection again really quick.. psychological projection is when you tell someone they do what you do
so there were many times she accused me of things that didn't make any sense to me but a lot of those projections were actually cheating projections.. meaning she had cheating in her heart
here are some examples of cheating projections she put on me (note all of these actually happened, they're not generic examples)
A. "you took your phone in the bathroom"
(if she were to take her phone in the bathroom it would be to keep it from you just in case a suspect text came in)
B. "delete that girl from your phone"
(she likely is talking to a guy who likes her, and who she likes- behind your back)
C. getting mad at the fact that i had female friends
(this means her male friends are not actual friends, they are past lovers and/or current standbys)
D. "you can go back to having that fling you're having with so and so"
(this means she has been having a fling behind your back)
E. she "cleaned my apartment" multiple times when i was gone.. looking back, i think she was just using that as a cover to snoop through my things.. this is another projection.. if they are going through your things then that basically means you should probably go through their things.. because they think you have something to hide the same way they do
none of these accusations against me were accurate or true
i really used to be puzzled as to why/how she thought a guy who doesn't even have sex would even waste time "cheating"
but when you realize the person is projecting their own personality traits onto you- then you realize what is truly happening
any men reading this.. if your girl accuses you of cheating, chances are she is a woman with a cheating heart
its like a "takes one to know one" type of thing
if your woman doesn't trust you- chances are she isn't trustworthy
if your women accuses you of lying- chances are she's a liar, etc
they suspect you of ill behavior because of their own behavior
what they say to you doesn't speak to your conduct, it speaks to THEIR conduct
19. this one was like less than 5 seconds long, but it seemed to speak volumes
so one day she was telling me i wasn't trustworthy or something and i flipped it on her and i was like "yeah right, that's you" and she was like "no it's not" so then i hit her with "ok then let me see your phone"
and here was the weird part
she kinda hesitated to hand it to me and i remember she had this little sort of lost and guilty facial expression.. for that little moment, it seemed like she knew she had been caught.. just her hesitation and facial expression and body language were just showing that something was about to go down
i peeped this in that short 3 second period or whatever, but before i even asked her for her phone i knew i was going to say nevermind.. because ultimately i was trying to show her that she doesn't trust me but i trust her
so i followed through with my original plan and i said "just messing you can keep your phone" but at the same time it felt like i spoke too soon
because her body language said she was caught... for a minute after that- i almost wanted to be like.. no actually- let me see it.. but i just let it go
20. one day i was at her house alone and in the place where i was sitting, i looked over and i saw some pamphlets.. one of the pamphlets said "so you want to get an abortion" and i can't remember the other one exactly..
anyway, i asked her about them and she said she went to planned parenthood to get a checkup but this old couple outside thought she was going in to get an abortion and they gave her those pamphlets and they gave her a rosary
this matched up with the story she told me prior to seeing those pamphlets so i believed it but there was also a part of me that wondered why she didn't throw the pamphlets away... i also wondered why she went to planned parenthood to get checked up when she worked in a hospital
21. one day she told me she was thinking about going back on birth control to lessen her issues she was having with her periods
i just wasn't sure if she was being 100% truthful as to her reasons for wanting to go back on birth control
22. she would sometimes look at me in a shifty way.. like sometimes i could tell she would look at me out of the corner of her eye.. it seems like a shifty and devious way of looking at someone
i thought about it and i realized it seems to indicate that you have ill intentions because if you are looking at someone indirectly its almost like saying you're approaching them indirectly.. if you're looking at me but you're trying to look as if you're not.. it's like the body language version of showing that there is a disconnect between what you're actually doing and what you're trying to look like you're doing
also i specifically remember one day i went to her house and she looked at me with a quiet look of contempt.. it was weird.. i wanted to show her that i cared so i went to the store and got her some medicine from walgreens, and when i came back i handed it to her and she was like "oh.." and she put it on the dresser.. it wasn't like thank you james it was just like a quiet and stoic reaction
i remember she was looking at me that day like she had some type of secret.. it was almost like the way you would feel if you walked into a room where people just got done talking bad about you.. it was that same sort of feeling
23. one day i was texting her and she was giving me very spaced out dismissive one-word responses.. i just knew she was talking to another guy that day
24. she used to say messed up things to me disguised as jokes.. like "i can get some d*** it's easy" or sometimes she would make comments about how she would leave me and replace me and not think twice about it.. or one time she was mad at me and she talked about one of her male friends like he was better than me.. on valentine's day she told me she would have sex with this particular male friend of hers.. her words were something like "we're just friends but if i couldn't find anybody i'd f*** him" ..that was like a dagger through my heart.. and i left her that night but she never apologized so i eventually broke and emailed her and we started talking again..
when i emailed her i was like "did you really think that was an ok thing to say to me?" she said "i was joking" (again making me sound like i was overreacting) and she gave me another phony apology like "i'm sorry you felt that way" ... even though the apology was phony i tried my best to accept it.. i just wanted to overlook the situation and just put it out of my mind at the time.. even though her comment was foul, i didn't want to lose her over one comment (although today i realize that comment was indicative of her heart and her lack of respect for me, so if that happened again, i wouldn't look back)
looking at it today, i think she thought i left to hurt her but the reality was i left because i was hurt.. and because i wanted her to see i wouldn't put up with that type of disrespect.. but i don't think the message got through.. because over time the narrative just became "you left me on valentine's" with no acknowledgement of WHY
25. one day i showed her a video online where a guy was trying to get his woman to calm down.. and she texted me back something like "i would've calmed down for him he's fine"
again, just showing me blatant disrespect and honoring other men in front of me.. meanwhile her only compliment to me was that i "have nice eyelashes" smh.. (i wish i was lying)
her comment wasn't an indicator of action but it was an indicator of the character that could lead to the action of cheating
also, just the very fact that she didn't calm down for me or give me any type of peace in real life, yet she said she would for this guy in the video showed me a lot
its like a girl never cooking for you but then LL cool j or someone is on tv and she says "i'd cook for him anyday" ...it's just messed up
and i called her on that but of course she had more gaslighting and rebuttals
it was like she gave me just enough reassurance to stay in the relationship.. but never enough to actually feel secure
26. we used to try and pray together but over time she didn't want to pray with me.. i felt that this was odd.. looking back i think it makes more sense considering she was probably cheating on me and she probably felt that she didn't want to pray with me knowing she was being deceptive and maybe i couldn't see it but God could
another thing that happened like this was she told me about a dream she had and i told her that the pastor of my church is able to interpret dreams, i asked her if she wanted to share it with him and she said no.. when i asked her why she said "because its MY dream"
again this was odd to me at the time but looking at it now, i feel like she didn't want to share it because she feared being exposed by a true prophet (also if you look in the bible you realize jezebel and true prophets DO NOT GET ALONG AT ALL throughout history)
i also think this is why she never wanted to meet with the people at my church.. because she feared being exposed.. they always want to meet with new members to allow them a chance to share and maybe get prayer or guidance.. but she never wanted to meet with them.. when you tell a person a preacher or prophet can see more about you than what you verbally share- the truth is it scares many people off
27. it came to a point where she just never gave me straight answers about anything anymore.. every question i had was answered with a question or an accusation or a distraction or some type of fake answer that didn't answer my actual question
there is no way to grow in a relationship if a person doesn't show you who they are or what they're dealing with
also this type of thing breeds arguing.. when you ask someone something but they respond in a sideways type of way, all it does is bring argument.. i used to want peace, and she even said she wanted to be a source of peace in my life, but that was never going to happen as long as she was being evasive about everything.. its like going to the dr. and rolling your eyes refusing to tell him what the ailment is.. you get nowhere
looking back though.. i see it through a clear lens.. she couldn't speak directly because then she wouldn't know what lie to tell.. she wouldn't be able to keep up with which lie to try and juggle or which deception to pull out of her arsenal.. so just saying something that doesn't answer my question at all, or something that is a distraction or an argument, or saying something that throws me off completely is what she deemed to be the best course of action
this type of person is in the bible also.. remember when God asked cain where his brother abel was, and cain said "am i my brother's keeper?" that's not a straight answer and it has a certain level of attitude with it.... also the fact was he murdered abel... so oftentimes when people are inexplicably cagey, hostile, and/or defensive its because they have done wrong, or are doing wrong, or plan to do wrong
ok so those are all the reasons why i felt she was cheating on me.
now here are just some weird things that occurred
28. when i gave her things, oftentimes i noticed she didn't want to take them in front of me
like for example that day i got her the medicine, she said she needed it to feel energetic again.. she was low on iron so i got her the iron pills.. but when i gave them to her she just set them on the nightstand thing and didn't take them in front of me
one day i got her some things for her birthday and when i handed them to her she just set them next to her and kept watching tv.. and granted on this day she was mad at me, but still
or one day she said she wanted a reese's.. so next time i saw her i gave her a reese's.. but then she basically told me she doesn't even eat reese's.. i was very puzzled at this, but when she left my apartment, i realized she had taken it with her
one day i had some juice i bought that i didn't like, i told her she could have it.. she tried it and she liked it.. so some time passed and she was in the kitchen and i was in my room.. but i got up and when i got up it was like she heard me coming, and so she had rushed out of the kitchen and went to the bathroom.. so i walked into the kitchen and i saw that she had spilled that juice on the floor
i was puzzled by that, but what occurred to me was that she was drinking the juice, but she didn't want me to see her drinking it.. she had a weird thing where she sometimes didn't want you to know that she enjoyed something you provided for her
she didn't want to acknowledge what you did for her but let you "mess up" somehow you never hear the end of it
29. one day she bought a huge family meal from bojangles.. the next day when i got home from work there was a plate of food there for me.. but i was wondering where the rest was.. i was thinking "did she eat all of that?" for a second i wondered if she had someone else come over and eat some while i was at work.. there was no real evidence of foul play- but i just thought it was odd that the huge family meal was gone so soon
30. she used to joke about me getting her pregnant and then her leaving me and raising our child on her own.. definitely a weird thing to joke about
this may honestly be the end of my purging, so if you read all of this A. thanks for peepin what i've been saying.. and B. please think about what i've said and use some of it to get the snakes out of your own life
as for my feelings about my ex, i've had extreme sadness and anger but today i just feel like by the grace of God i'm unaffected by all the pain and confusion she has caused me
i'm going to keep it real i don't pray for her at all.. i don't wish bad or good on her.. i don't look her up on social media.. i just try to process all of the crap she put me through so that i can come out unscathed and hopefully wiser
that relationship was awful and looking back, there were really no good parts.. there were only "breathers" between chaos, confusion, and being accused of things i wasn't doing
i will admit she was utterly beautiful and everything i've ever wanted in a woman as far as looks.. but looks mean nothing if a woman isn't treating you with respect..
i've been thinking about a concept here and there and that is the concept that any man with a bad woman is a beta male.. any man who is single, or with a good woman is an alpha male
i don't think you can have a bad, broken, crazy, narcissistic woman and be called an alpha male..
in a sense- alpha and beta are more about what you choose to put up with than they are about money, abs, status symbols, etc
i realized this one day when i was watching a courtney love interview and she said she cheated on her ex because "he was a beta male"
my thought was "any man who would be with you is a beta male"
if obama was with courtney love he'd be a beta male.. its not about the man, its about the woman he puts up with.. why?
because say there's a man with a bad woman- he's a beta male.. but say they break up and he gets with a good woman- he's an alpha male
the man is the same with both women... but he takes on an identity based on what he is willing to put up with..
how can you be an alpha male with a woman who flirts with other guys or cheats or disrespects you?
it doesn't matter how much time you spend in the gym or how many zeros are at the end of your check.. if you walk hand in hand with crap then- "birds of a feather"
so men... get your standards up and get your boundaries in tact.. and know that being alone is better than being with a dense skank with nothing to offer u but pain and confusion
again- believe it or not, SINGLE MEN ARE ALPHAS too.. not just men with 5 girlfriends
anyway.. i think i've said enough.. u all take it easy and much thanks to the Lord for giving me the strength to face all of the trauma head on, and much thanks to Him for delivering me from the pain
I seriously have nothing good to say about my ex g/f questa at all lol
I can tell people close to me still don't really get how awful she was.. oh well, whatever
i was talking to a girl not too long ago and we were talking about broken women slash narcissistic women slash jezebels
the reason i was talking to her about these types of women is because she used to be one of those types of women.. so i was able to pick her brain about why these women act the way they do
in the conversation i said: these women have nothing inside.. they have no heart strings to pull on.. they're just empty.. moments where they're supposed to care they just don't because there's nothing inside, they're just a shell
the girl responded, oh there's something in there, its just deeply hidden
she said there's a wall, then another wall, then a brick wall, etc
so i accepted that in the moment... but over time i realized that while she may have been right.. it doesn't matter because if something is hidden then it might as well not even be there
maybe the woman knows deep down that she has feelings but no one else does
maybe she knows she cares but no one else does
maybe she knows she has vulnerabilities but no one else does
maybe she knows she is afraid but no one else does
maybe she knows she loves the man sitting across from her but he doesn't
since no one knows how she really feels, no one can respond to her "properly" in other words, no one can really give her what she wants
in proverbs 27:5 the bible says: Open rebuke is better than secret love.
what that means is that positive feelings and sentiments are utterly WORTHLESS if they're hidden
i remember at my previous job, talking to seniors on the phone and realizing they had REAL problems.. like losing coordination or getting dementia
that caused me to understand that i was more fortunate than i realized.. because something as simple as having a working brain is a great blessing
this then led me to going back to school because what is the point of having a healthy brain if you're not going to use it?
and THAT is the problem with these women.. what is the point of having femininity if you always deny that side of yourself? what is the point of being in a relationship if you never show that you care? what is the point of having a heart if you never allow it to grow attached to anyone?
so basically- in short.. while that girl may have been correct that damaged women do have feelings... they might as well not because no one is made aware of them
if a woman is closed off, and disagreeable, and invulnerable, and has walls up, and is standoffish, and comes off as uncaring, disinterested, and unimpressed....
THEN IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY ACTUALLY DO HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CARE
IT ALSO DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY ACTUALLY DO WANT WANT LOVE, ATTACHMENT, AND COMMITMENT
BECAUSE NO ONE WILL BE ABLE IDENTIFY THOSE WANTS, NEEDS, AND DESIRES IN HER
THUS NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO PROVIDE THEM
if a woman is on the whole "i'm a strong independent woman who don't need no man!" thing and her loving feminine heart is completely hidden from the world.. then the fact is, it might as well not even be there at all
Open rebuke is better than secret love.
broken women's hidden love, care, attachment, and femininity, aren't doing them any favors.. they will have to open back up if they want to heal the existing wounds
they will have to either do that or stay on that neverending cycle of acting like superman and suffering in silence
sooo.. i've been avoiding this for a while but for some reason today i feel i can get it out
this post is likely to bring back terrible memories and also make me look like the village idiot
but i think i'm going to just go ahead and do it.. i'm not even sure why but i'm going to do it
what's this post going to be about?
i'm going to detail all the reasons why i believe my ex cheated on me behind my back
all i want to say is this.. please don't look at me like i'm stupid after you read this..
when you read this you are likely to say "wow, how did you not see that at the time?" or "wow why did you stay after that?"
you have to understand this relationship was just pure insanity.. looking back i feel like the entire relationship was a lie and the entire relationship was a distraction
so if the entire thing was a lie and a distraction then realize i was dealing with lies and distractions the entire time
i look back and i see things a lot differently than when i was in the relationship.. narcissists gaslight you to a point where you don't know up from down anymore... you don't know when they're serious or when they're joking, you don't know if they're going to be nice or leave you.. you are just caught up in nonsense the whole time and this way they are able to evade a lot of accountability and get away with a lot
let it be known, i noticed all of this while it was happening, but i wanted to believe she wasn't cheating on me- so i had a lot of hope.. its not that i didn't see the signs.. i was just hoping i was wrong because i really liked her
also let it be known.. when i talk about this, i think some of this stuff came about when we had arguments and things.. there was a few times where we didn't speak for a few days or a week.. i think the longest we didn't speak was like two weeks
my reasoning for not speaking to her was to get her to see i wasn't going to put up with her treating me badly... but when i'd leave she never would apologize.. so eventually i would crack and just forgive her because i wanted her- i just didn't want her mouth and attitude etc
so in short, some of the cheating was when we were on bad terms which is why at some points i couldn't be fully angry, but i also think at some points she was cheating when we were on on decent terms, or when we were supposed to be making it right
so without further ado... here we go
these are the reasons i believe my ex was cheating on me in my last relationship (no particular order.. also believe it or not this is not a comprehensive list)
1. one day i went into her apartment and i noticed she had alcohol in her refrigerator
i had been with her for about a year and she never had alcohol before, so it was peculiar.. but the main thoughts that kept running through my head at the time were: "who drinks alone?" "no one really drinks alone"
2. around this same time, one day we were in wal-mart and she saw some bottle of alcohol and she said "oh, i have that! it's really good, it has a really nutty taste" and she started cracking up laughing
when she said "nutty taste" that seemed to be the punchline and all i remember was thinking she must've had that wine or whatever it was when some guy was at her apartment and "nutty taste" became some type of sexual inside joke involving semen or balls or something
it seemed like she was just laughing too hard for it to be anything else
i remember at the time wanting to probe... but i couldn't bring myself to do it.. i was too afraid of her telling me something that would truly have cut deep.. i just held my peace hoping my hunch was incorrect
3. she got extremely hot and cold with me.. i used to wonder why and i couldn't figure it out.. i used to ask her why and she never had a real answer i could hang my hat on
the truth is a man can't serve two masters, he will love one and hate the other or cling to one and despise the other
imo, cheating was like the only thing that really explained her constant hot and cold
4. one day i said to her: "wow your booty looks bigger! this is nice, what's going on?" or something.. this was legitimately purely a compliment, it wasn't a jab or anything, it was just a semi humorous compliment because she used to say her booty was like a pancake
she responded to my compliment with "that's because i've been having sex with other guys and my butt's been getting bigger!"
this cut deep but this was after so much hot/cold and so many arguments, and so much confusion that i ignored it
i didn't know if she was telling the truth or just trying to get a rise out of me.. these people can become so toxic and unpredictable that you just don't know what's real anymore so you just hope for the best
like i said, that cut deep
5. One day she sent me a video from derrick jaxn where he basically said women will cheat on you if they don’t get what they want (this video was under the heading “advice for guys” or “advice for men” or something like that, so you can look it up if you want)
When she sent me the video she said “watch this, you’ll think its funny”
After she knew i watched it, she said "i wonder if you knew something was going on"
this one hurt a LOT... especially considering she sent me this right when we were supposed to be trying a "let's start over as a couple" period
days prior to her sending me this i had asked her if she cheated on me and she said no, so this came completely out of nowhere
part of me wanted to just say something like "look, did you have sex with someone?" but i didn't because she got to where she never really gave me straight answers and i was so hurt that i didn't have the strength for another crazy back and forth where i ask her something and she answers my question with a question
6. i used to go to church near where she lived.. so one day i went to church and after church i called her and i was like hey i just left church i'm going to stop by
she said "i don't want you to come over"
this resonated deep inside of me.. it just seemed like the type of "no" you should never receive from your girl
i was just totally emasculated and puzzled as to whether she even liked me or not
that was very painful
7. One day she came over after work to pick up some stuff she had at my apartment.. well when she came in she started getting her things and getting ready to go
this hurt a lot to see... i didn't let on but i noticed she just came over and was getting her stuff like she didn't want to spend any time with me... behaviors like these to me are bad signs and red flags... even if you just need to pick up one thing from my house, you should at least act happy to see me or have a seat on the couch or something
watching her do that like i wasn't even there was a blow
i took it on the chin and kinda grabbed her and convinced her to spend time with me instead of just get her things and leave.. this leads me to number 8 because number 8 is what happened after i convinced her to stay and chill with me before she left
8. We were talking and somewhere in the conversation side dudes came up.. then she was saying something about having a side dude. The thing about these narcissistic people is sometimes you don't know if they are just trying to get under your skin or if they're serious (which is probably how they like it). However, this time i noticed she kept smirking, so i asked her if she had one
she said she had 4 of them.. and i was like who? and i was like is it so and so? (some guy she mentioned to me prior) and she said yes
at this point her mood was perfectly fine and like unbothered but i was like devastated.. i just sat there trying to process what she said..
basically from what i gathered, she had 3 or 4 guys but one or two were more serious than the others
if i remember correct i asked her if she kissed him and she said "you're going to get your feelings hurt" and then i asked her if they had sex and she didn't say anything so at this point i had to lay down so i went to my bedroom and she came in and she ended up saying they kissed but there was no sex
when she said that i gained some life back but i wanted to make sure so i eventually asked her again "did you have sex?" and she was like "no i'm not that type of girl" (which made no sense to me based on what i know about her) as i tried to probe more she got her things and left
I had a feeling like she wasn’t being truthful and something wasn’t right
9. When she came over the last two times she was distant.
the second to last time she slept at my house (literal sleep i'm not sexually active i believe sex is for marriage) she slept upside down with her head where the feet go so i couldn't hug her or anything
the last time she came over and stayed the night she was wearing some type of biker pants.. usually she wouldn't wear anything like that to sleep.. when i asked her why she was wearing those said she “didn’t want her thighs to touch” ...it just seemed like... peculiar
and of course that probably doesn't seem like a big deal but small changes like that can mean a lot when it comes to women
10. She got b.v. (bacterial vaginosis) seemingly out of nowhere.. when I suggested that maybe the stress at work was causing it (stress creating an imbalance in the body) she said “stop trying to make it make sense”
looking back, that sounds like "back off because i don't want you to find out how i really got it"
11. one day when i was at her house i thought i felt a crust on one of her blankets.. like a dried semen stain
i only felt it once when my hand grazed her blanket.. i wasn't sure if i was trippin or not so i went back into her bedroom and i wanted to see if i could look closer at the blanket but when she saw me walk into her bedroom she came in behind me and said what are you doing? and gave me a look.. i just acted like i wanted to look out the window..
but the next time she came over, she brought her laundry to do at my apartment and guess what was in there with her clothing?
i didn't remember her bringing that any other time when she did her laundry before
12. She said her and some guy at her job were “just friends” but then one day when she and i were supposed to be getting back together we were both at work and she texted me: "i know you don't want to hear this but..." the guy came into her office and went to hug her and she pushed him off and told him she would try to work things out with me
my issue was, if that was just your friend then:
A. why would i not want to hear about it if its just a friend?
B. why would he immediately go to hug you? if he's just a friend
C. why would you push him off.. an actual friend can hug you anytime.. only someone you've been intimate with would push you off
D. if he's just a friend why can't he be your friend when i come back into the picture?
then she went on to say he needs to back off because he doesn't "want more" which sounded like “more than sex” to me
She admitted he had been over her house multiple times.. looking back it sounds like they had a fling, a no strings attached, a Netflix and chill, friends with benefits thing
i texted her.. "he doesn't want more than what?" she said "friendship"
i sat there feeling uneasy
13. One day she was saying she just needed to watch porn so she pulled out her phone and started looking up porn sites.. i was like shocked by this, but i took her phone and told her if you're going to watch porn you're not watching it at my house
so anyway some time passed and one day she was at my house and i said "have you been watching porn lately?" and she said "not really, i want the real thing"
this just made me think she was having sex with someone or planning to
14. there was one day where she legit should've been at home or at least able to pick up the phone.. based on the time and the day, she should have been able to pick up one of my calls or text me back but she didn't
what's worse is later one day i said "where were you that day when i was trying to reach you?"
she changed the subject... i knew something was going on but it was one of those moments where i didn't want to keep probing because i wasn't ready to have my heart ripped out and stomped on
i just let it go but i didn't let it go if you know what i mean... i didn't bring it back up but i never forgot that
15. One day she accidentally sent me a text that sounded like she was going on a date
in the text she said "that sounds good.. friday at such and such time, no drinks!" or something like that
when she realized she sent it to me she said it was for her female friend who was coming in to town
leading up to that friday, she told me she would come over but she didn't.. later i asked a female friend why a woman would do that and she said "all the times i've seen things like that its due to cheating"
now here's what happened when that friday actually came around
we were texting but she was having an attitude and complaining that when i gave her compliments they weren't good enough because i say she'd a cutie and i say she's hott.. but she was saying i should call her beautiful instead
this was very odd to me, and it sounded like she was comparing my compliments to another guy's compliments.. if i remember correct i even asked her if she was comparing me to someone else and she said no
we got into it a bit and she finally said "have a nice day" to me.. this was like 3pm.. if your spouse says have a nice day at like 3pm that's basically like saying i'm not talking to you at least until tomorrow... so i knew something was wrong
anyway.. i guess i caved because i finally wrote a long text telling her how beautiful she was to me.. this was a long and detailed text complimenting her and pouring out to her... she responded "thank you"
that made my heart drop... i said so much and she just said two words like i didn't matter at all.. so i eventually emailed her like asking her where her head was at... i happen to have her email response here so i'll post what she said back to me (i'll put her words in a diff color for clarity)
The "thank you" text message.
I didn't get off work until 5:30 because someone scheduled my last appt later than they were suppose to and I had a lot of charting to do. My phone was literally dying so I didn't want to not say anything so I acknowledged that you were trying so that's why I said thank you.
looking at this today, it's just lies.. the fact is she had a guy taking her out that day and so she treated me like dirt.. but this is what i was always dealing with.. her having these elaborate lies that were always geared to make me look like i'm overreacting or like i am the bad guy
here's another segment from that same email she sent me (this part is her explanation as to why she said she would come over but didn't)
Again I stayed at work late and didn't get home til late. I was exhausted and I didn't meet up with Sweta at all, so I came home. Cooked something and went to bed. I didn't think you cared about me coming or not so I didn't think to text to tell you I wasn't coming to Spring Hill. If you felt worried or wanted to clarify I feel that you could have picked up the phone and texted or called me to see if I was coming. And I'm not saying that to be smart or anything, but you have a habit of expecting things to be okay and not conveying to me if your ever worried about me so I stopped thinking about you having worries. If you felt worried than say it because I can't read your thoughts and you've said many times that you assume I'm good, so if that's the case I don't see why this is an issue other than you having to clean, and if that's the issue than....the reality is you still needed to clean anyway. But I'm not gonna dismiss the fact that you cleaned up for me. That is sweet that you want your home to be clean and welcoming to me. I do appreciate that.
look at how she spoke to me.. she was so mean to me.. just so much blameshift and no real understanding or anything.. just very elaborate lies and blaming and gaslighting
-I received text message that sounded like she had a date
-She noticed this and told me it was her female friend sweta
-The day she would end up having this “date with Sweta” she told me my compliments to her aren’t good enough (sounds like her “date” was giving her good compliments)
-I was blindsided and tried to explain my side, she said that she was “over it” and told me to “have a nice day” at like 3pm
-I texted her and tried to express my best compliment to her in a long text.. she replied with just two words “thank you” and I didn’t hear anything else from her that day
now note this segment.. she sent me this email the very next day after this email exchange above:
But going forward I want you to understand that things like this lead me to distrust you, but like I said last night I'm no longer going to worry about your friends, ex's, or dating life, so don't say I'm acting weird if I don't show concern if one of them texts, calls, or does something inappropriate or disrespectful because at this point if you don't care to tell me the full story than I don't care to listen to it....and not being harsh I'm being real. Now note that the same thing goes for me and my friends. Going forward I'm not gonna share the things about my friends, ex's, or dating life, so that things will just be neutral for us all around.
what's notable is this talk about not sharing information about friends, ex's, or dating life, came right after i had suspicions that she was going on dates behind my back
now i don't know if we were technically together at this point or not but the problem was the lies and the deceits
see- if we were broken up and just talking again i'm not exactly mad at her for going out with someone else but don't lie about it.. because basically once you start lying then you're leading me on
i ultimately wanted her and i to work out.. i didn't want her to see other people i wanted to work on us, and she knew that's what i wanted but she was just lying to me and acting like she was still single but she was seeing someone else
but looking back, i can see why we were never able to fix "us" ...because she was just no genuine with me.. u can't fix a relationship if only one person is being genuine
so i was putting in a ton of effort like some type of crash test dummy while she was just doing whatever she wanted to do
i used to wonder why it seemed like she didn't care.. it was because she had other guys in the background
anyway.. i forgive her for lying to me, cheating on me behind my back, destroying my sense of self, and crushing my ego, and deceiving me and torturing me with gaslighting and toxic "logic" ... i forgive her and i'm just glad all of that is over
the whole thing was just pain on top of pain on top of pain
but i let it go and i guess i have officially exposed myself and all the crap i put up with needlessly
so its all out there
so i'm done it's a wrap
over and out
i want to say two quick things just to get them off my chest
1. whenever i look at narcissist videos on youtube and i look at the comments i see a lot of women saying their ex was a narcissist
long story short, i just don't buy that very many men are narcissistic
women are more selfish and lack the natural honor and integrity that men have so i doubt if all these women were legitimately with narcissistic men
also you must consider the fact that narcissism is akin to the jezebel spirit in the bible and jezebel was a woman.. most people you will come across who have the jezebel spirit or narcissism are women
men aren't typically going to be narcissistic naturally because we are less selfish, less vindictive, less sneaky, and less manipulative than women
also, it just gets hard to believe women put up with narc abuse in a gynocentric society (women can have men thrown in jail, women can post a picture online and have 50 guys ready to replace their man at any moment, women can have the slanted court systems reward them for leaving their spouse, etc)
and another thing.. a lot of the stories they post in the comments don't make a lot of sense.. like for example i just ran across a comment where a woman was dissing her "ex narc boyfriend" but she admitted he was married while they were together.. so its like... were you with a narcissistic man or were you just with a married man and now you're upset because he didn't leave his wife for you?
i think a lot of these women want to be a victim so bad that they are grasping at anything.. because victimhood is the only thing they can use to explain the problems without facing their own behavior.. it's mirror avoidance
2. you know how people say they have gaydar?
i feel like i have developed a cheating radar.. i wish i would've had it when i was in my last relationship because i believe she cheated on me a few times .. but u live and learn i guess
anyway.. the thing is.. a big part of it lies in the way a person speaks about cheating
i think i have been fairly naive in my life because i don't have sex.. so because of this a lot of things are like taboo to me
so sometimes i'll talk to someone and i'll speak very negatively of cheating in conversation... and that person stiffens up or gets quiet or speaks about cheating like it's sometimes warranted
to me that's crazy.. as a person who believes sex is for marriage, cheating to me is straight up crazy
but so many people i come across seem to have no real qualms about it.. it is actually almost frightening.. people are like desensitized to it and my first question i ask in my mind is "WHY are they desensitized to it?" and i think the reason is because they've done it
i remember one time telling a girl i think my ex was cheating and it began sounding like she was making excuses for her.. this was mind boggling to me
i just ended up coming away from the conversation feeling like the person i thought would be a confidant was more like an enemy
then over time i realized what happened, i was like "OH WAIT!!! she cheated on her husband!"
for some reason i never connected the two before
once i connected the two i realized she felt like she couldn't say anything.. what's crazy about cheating though is if you cheat on someone you really can't ever point a finger at someone who has done it to you
like say you are married for 5 years and then you cheat on your spouse and you two get a divorce.. then you meet someone and you're with them for two years and they cheat on you
how mad can you really be?
being mad at them is like being mad at yourself.. which i think is why so many people are nonchalant about it when it comes up in conversation
anyway.. imo these people are desensitized to the concept of cheating and that says a lot
very near having some sort of mental breakdown
just don't even know what to do with self anymore
if they only knew how real this groundhog's day struggle has been
day in and day out.. aching wrists and a brain that is completely numb
seemingly temporary issues are prolonged to the point of absolute absurdity
not at rest even when at rest
if they only knew
if only they could comprehend the foul paintings that echo across the mind