ok so i tried to just be friends with my ex g/f but we ended up having some of the same issues we had when we were together.. recently i told her i don't want to be friends with her anymore and this has been rough for me because that's not really who i am
i'm not really the type of person to tell someone to leave my life so it has been somewhat traumatic for me to try and come to grips with what i said the reason i said i didn't want to be friends with her is because we were texting and she told me some of her goals and in response, i said "you're declaring the end from the beginning" which is something from the bible.. and she said "no, i'm declaring the destination from the start" i said "that's semantics" she said "no its not" this got under my skin a lot.. the reason it got under my skin is because i get tired of her telling me i'm wrong or trying to correct me... like what i said to her was legit in support of her goals.. i was trying to be supportive and she said i was incorrect.. like "no, you're wrong.. i'm declaring the destination from the start" she said the same thing i said in a different way and told me i was wrong i wanted to let it go at first but i thought about how she has done this to me MANY times ultimately it always made me feel like what i said had no value if i were to say something positive to someone, they would be like "yep ur right, and thanks" but if i say something positive to my ex she will still find a way to tell me i'm wrong or tell me what i said isn't good enough she said one day at work she told a woman that she likes the way she dresses, and the woman said "i didn't know u were looking at me that hard" that is exactly how my ex g/f was... like i would try to be positive and she would still say something snarky.. a lot of times it really hurt more than i let on like one time i gave her a compliment on her looks and she said: "why don't u ever compliment me on my brain, i work harder on that" or there was one day she said my compliments don't count with her and that i need to say beautiful instead of pretty etc this stuff adds up and becomes hard to take and it comes off as like, controlling because i can't say what is in my heart for you- i have to speak to you like a hallmark card everytime i want to compliment u i also want to point out that her only real compliment of me was "you have great eyelashes" ... i really wish that was me joking, but i'm serious so i just got tired of her telling me i'm wrong or incorrect or inadequate all the time in the things i say, so this time something happened.. when she changed my "you're declaring the end from the beginning" to "declaring the destination from the start" i just needed her to say "sorry james, i realize thats the same thing" but she wouldn't do it... i needed her to concede this time for my sanity and she refused.. she refused to offer any understanding for my point of view something inside me snapped.. i ended up having to go to lunch and i went to sit in my car alone.. i just felt really bad.. i knew i had reached some type of boiling point because my peace was gone and all i was hearing in my head was.. i don't want to overlook this i want her to understand why this isn't ok... but the problem with that is- she is like very prideful and stubborn so i had no "reconcile" button to press.. my only two options with her have always been argue or ignore.. and arguing never really worked with her because its like being pulled into a world that doesn't make sense.. like logic doesn't exist in that realm.. and u might think i'm trying to be funny but i'm not my whole point of view was "please admit that changing the words instead of just feeling what i was saying, was frivolous" she refused.. i said "can you please just understand where i'm coming from" because it wasn't just that moment, she disagrees on a LOT of things and its hard when u are just talking about something small and a person disagrees on things that don't even matter because time and time again, your options are argue or ignore u get tired of not being able to just talk freely like a normal person, because this person is always ready to disagree or poke a hole in something u say so when i asked her if she could try to understand, she said "seriously, no" i pretty much lost it at that point and that's when i told her i was done with her and i blocked her immediately after my text was sent... i feel bad but i also just don't know how to deal with a person who is so contrary to everything.. i just don't enjoy that controlling personality type pray for me peeps cuz on one hand i want to be there for her but on the other hand its like i feel like she dnt respect me anyway.. that's my update for today.. peaCe
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James Arthurnew speak, true speak Archives
December 2017
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