ok im gnna try to make this my last post like this because I don't want to keep uploading videos however I just HAD to post this one because this one is 100,000% word for word what my last relationship was like this is like EXACTLY what it was and what went on.. WOW this woman knows her stuff!!!!!!
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I’m not going to post the video, I’ll just post the link to pt. 1 but peep if interested.. I thought this was really good
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZ-nRF62O-k In this series, a woman interviews a male narcissist What I took from this was that my ex was a straight up narcissist.. and yeah I already knew that but what I mean is- in many ways his childhood mirrors what my ex said to me about her childhood The primary similarity is that there was a lot of arguing all the time Btw this woman who makes these videos is extremely insightful and intelligent imo also- I know I'm talking about this stuff a lot on the last few entries but I feel like I'm getting a lot of understanding which is helping me wipe away the lingering confusion.. and i feel like i'm also getting any residual thoughts/feelings out of my system **the video i included below is a must watch for anyone into this topic!!!** when i was with my ex g/f she always tried to leave me at terrible times.. not only did she try to leave me at terrible times but she would just flip the script on me and get mad and be totally unpleasable at terrible times at the time i didn't notice it because narcissist/jezebels always find a way to deflect and blame you for their behavior.. so what happens is you end up getting caught up in explaining yourself instead of seeing what they are doing to you and how they are playing head games my ex was the WORST girlfriend EVER!!! i remember one time we were in the mall and i picked up a ball that i found and i bounced it a few times and she immediately walked out of the mall saying i was immature and she treated me like crap for hours afterward.. i know you may be like, "that's crazy- why didn't you just break up with her?" but i was more in "trying to understand her" mode than i was "you're not going to treat me this way" mode one other time we were legit wrestling for like an hour and i got her in a hold and she told me to let her go and i said no and she got up and started crying and packing her things to leave.. smh it was like a 3 hour drive back to her house like why would you cry and leave me just because i held you in a hold for an extra 10 seconds? she would just up and leave me in moments where we should have been having peace.. or she would up and get upset at me at terrible moments, like after a nice dinner out together.. my ex g/f always seemed to want to leave me in a moment where I would be extremely confused and traumatized and in a state where the issue at hand remains unresolved.. the video sheds light on it so i get it now.. but at the time i was going through all this stuff i was just in the lion's den.. when you're with this type of person you can't really catch your breath enough to figure anything out.. you're always in another argument, or struggle, or fight, or you have earned their approval for a fleeting minute, or you're clamoring for it There were so many times where i would try to show her a good time and what followed it would be her attempting to leave me or treat me with contempt.. the video talks about these people leaving you when you're at a low point in your life, my ex however seemed to just want to leave me in confusion and in pain and she also seemed to have a thing for wanting to leave me like, after a good time or when there should be a peaceful moment.. have you ever had a great time with someone and had them just flip on you and demonize you and threaten to leave you? let me tell you something, its not something you notice when it happens because its really just too traumatic but this video shed a lot of light on that for me.. and what's crazy is, I DIDNT LOOK FOR THIS VIDEO! that's what trips me out so much because this was on my mind but i wasn't sure if anyone else had experienced it.. then it just showed up and explained everything my ex always seemed to leave me at the worst times where i'd just do almost anything to keep her from leaving because of the moment.. like its hard to explain.. like let me put it like this its one thing to leave a movie and go to the bathroom during the previews its another thing to leave a movie and go to the bathroom during the climax of the film same principle here.. these people always find the worst moment to leave u where you will be in extreme pain, shock, and/or confusion during those moments you just feel desperate and (i'll say it again) CONFUSED out of your mind maybe at some point in her life someone hurt her and when it was over she was confused and there was no closure.. the attack made on her made no sense, she was just left to deal with it.. and so she reenacts that or perhaps no one did this to her and she was just so self absorbed that she needed to elicit a response from me and didn't care how it made me feel either way really glad i found this video.. it validates a lot of my experience!!!! I listened to a video on youtube about narcissists and something that was said made perfect sense.. the woman who made the video said that the narcissist’s goal is not to hurt you, their goals are all completely self-based
You’re like a prop to them, they aren’t trying to hurt you- you just don’t register to them as a factor when they are so self-absorbed She said it’s like a punching bag, you take your aggression out on it and you don’t feel better because you hurt the punching bag, you just feel better because you’ve released inner tension That made a lot of sense.. and it further cements the idea that these people are tormented and need deliverance I said in a recent entry that after I got out of that relationship I started to find that I was displaying some of the same characteristics my ex g/f had and I wanted to hurt someone, it didn’t matter who it was really.. I just wanted to hurt someone in a crazy attempt to relieve some of my inner bitterness and anger and resentment So likewise I’m sure my ex felt the same way and that punching bag was me unfortunately.. which explains why sometimes she would be mean to me or play some head game with me and later on when she was somewhat reasonable again I’d ask her about it and she’d smirk and say “I just felt like being a b*tch to you that day” (translation, i wanted to use you as a release) Like I said, I had to get prayer after that relationship because I started having those same types of thoughts... the main thought i had was like: “I hope someone does something to me so I can go off on them” .. I knew that wasn’t like me and so I had to get prayer and find out what to do to get it off of me.. to her detriment I think my ex has been in that mental space for years- unknowingly carrying poison Also, I feel there were things she didn’t tell me about like I remember she said she started having violent thoughts in second grade or something once but when I asked her about it again later she denied it.. and she also said there was something in her past where- if I ever found out and used it against her she would break up with me but she never told me what that was Imo these things are likely to be related? Anyway.. that punching bag analogy really shed a lot of light on the whole situation.. I’m glad because these things continue to be cathartic for me and help me to gain understanding and let go of the whole ordeal that was my garbage relationship This comment someone left under that youtube video explains it perfectly i tried to get adsense on this site.. adsense is google's thing where you can post an ad and possibly get paid they rejected me i guess i'm too raw for them lol, too punk.. their excuses for not accepting my application were really stupid.. i wouldn't be surprised if it had more to do with my content than with what they were actually citing as their reasons i don't care though because the way i see it the show must go on i admit i would like to be paid for my website.. i have been fairly consistent.. i mean may 2009 to today.. december 2017.. that's insane i've seen a lot of sites, blogs, and youtube accounts come and go but mine has been here as a mainstay for quite some time and not only has it been here, i've been very open with my life, thoughts, and feelings i've put a lot into this site and i just hope it is a blessing to some peeps out there either for entertainment or for knowledge if anyone out there happens to know of a way for me to monetize this stuff though please let me know.. this is something i really enjoy doing so if i could get paid for it that would be great i think my stats are pretty good for a site that has never been advertised here's my stats from today anyway thanks for peeping my thoughts .. and real talk if anyone knows anything i can do to monetize some of this i'm open to suggestions
peaCe this got me so hype this morning lol.. I had to post it this is when tinchy strider was like 13.. he was going so hard I love songs like this that are just raw wow.. this was phenomenally on point.. i wish i had listened to this while i was in my last relationship.. i would have saved myself a lot of headaches.. but honestly i was mentally gone at the time (which is a narcissist's goal for you) so would this have even helped me? i was pretty deep in the fog i have realized that trying to find out what women want doesn't work
let me explain why for one, its because you as a man know better than a woman does 1st corinthians 11:3 I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. in other words there is essentially an order to life like God, Christ, man, woman, child this is why trying to find out what a woman wants is not profitable.. because you already know better than her.. asking a woman what she wants is like asking a child what they want if you ask a child what they want they are going to say they want to wear their spiderman pajamas everywhere they go, they want to eat candy for dinner, they want to stay up past their bedtime, they want to stay home instead of go to school, etc there's no point asking a child what they want when we already know better than they do.. its really the same with women.. even if a woman could tell you what she wanted and she told you- it would likely be the wrong thing or it would likely be something that would lead to destruction example? one word.. feminism. women everywhere subscribe to feminist ideals but all feminism has done is ruin women's lives and suck them completely dry "financial freedom" just meant they would have to add "full time wage slave" to their already large wife-and-mom workload it also led to competition in marriage as opposed to cooperation the sexual freedom led to them being used like semen receptacles.. why court a woman? her sexual freedom has allowed me to netflix and chill the right to make her own choices with her body has led to hundreds of thousands of abortions per year in the u.s. alone.. and we all know how happy abortions make women lol my point is.. we as men know better than women.. when we let them make their own decisions all they do is destroy themselves.. even in the bible it's made clear that eve was deceived by the serpent while adam wasn't... women don't know what they're doing its like if you give a woman the steering wheel it's only a matter of time before she finds herself in a ditch so what's my point? we as men must stop trying to appeal to women altogether they need to come up to our level and that has to be our mindset at all times the reason we have tried to appeal to them is because we love them, desire them, and are eager for their presence in our lives however we have to just let that go.. even if it means we are alone at all times.. we have to uphold a standard and instead of asking women what they want we have to demand that they give us what we want because we will steer them correctly a man's advice to a woman is always better than a woman's advice to a woman man's advice - don't get any tattoos woman's advice - it's your body girl do whatever you want with it don't let anyone tell you what you can't do (she comes back from the tattoo parlor wondering why she needed to advertise "live free as a bird" across her chest and realizes she can't even wear the same clothes to work now since she has to cover it up) man's advice - i know he made you upset but go back to your husband and work things out woman's advice - girl, he went too far you can do better than him anyway.. turn off your phone and stay out tonight, that'll teach him (she finally comes home at 3 am feeling guilt and then breaks down in tears when she sees the flowers her husband brought home for her) ...good luck explaining where you were, whore lol another reason why trying to find out what women want doesn't work is because women can't really tell you the truth in some instances without showing you how stupid they can be.. and they are aware of this have you ever asked a woman about her thought process concerning something and she explained it to you and you responded like "but that doesn't make sense because blah blah" and her only reply was something like "well in the heat of the moment..." or "ur right it didn't really make sense but that's what i felt like doing at the time" or "yeah when u put it that way i understand but i wasn't thinking that way" what they are essentially telling you is they either lack logic or their emotions override logic, or they are saying integrity doesn't matter when feelings are involved, or something of the sort so women sometimes can't tell u the truth of how they feel because they are aware that their thought process is operating on a low level like say a woman makes a big deal of something small, and then you say "why did you overreact so much?" they have to find a way to diss you because if they acknowledge that they have overreacted then they feel slighted since they have been exposed as not being as 'together' as they want to portray its the same type of thing when u ask them what they want sometimes.. its like they can't really give you an honest response when they know you will just be dumbfounded at their lack of foresight for example.. some women want to work it so that they have one man who takes them on dates and treats them well.. but they want to have another guy who they just have sex with.. some women want to create this setup for themselves and they think somehow it will work out in the end say you run into a woman like this and you begin asking her questions about who she is and what she wants.. do you think she will admit to this mindset and intent? she won't admit to that because she knows you will deem her to be an idiot immediately and have nothing more to do with her so all in all.. we men have to stop trying to find out what women want because what they want doesn't matter when they want stupid things or things that aren't good for them or things that will not lead to any type of blessed existence we men have always wanted to find out what women want so that we can provide it and have things work out...... but will that happen? how often has it worked? when have we found out what women wanted, then provided it and lived happily ever after? we need to just stop trying to walk down that path altogether don't concern yourself with what they want.. tell them what they want, and tell them what they're going to get, or just don't bother with them at all recently i've been kinda irritated with my sister
ok let me give the background first when i moved into my apartment i basically begged her to come see it and spend time with me A. it took her two years B. the only reason she did it was because people in our family were telling her how lame it was for her not to ever visit her own brother C. i asked her to come alone yet she brought all 3 of her kids.. i just wanted a minute to eat a meal with her and talk but nope... and remember this was after she did like a thousand other things without her kids, horseback riding, going to california, going to baltimore, going to new york, going on dates, performing, smoking hooka, i mean all kinds of stuff.. but when i ask for like 2 hours of her time she acted like it was a huge burden and she just couldn't do anything without her kids when all of this happened i felt my sister was just disingenuous i told my mom "yeah she came over but it just felt fake" and i really meant that- it really just felt phony like "let me get this over with so no one says anything else about it" like we weren't able to have any type of conversation since she brought 3 hungry kids.. like it was just wack.. she could go everywhere in the universe and spend tons and tons of time with her then boyfriend who was 6ft6 with a jamaican accent.. but let james call and its "i'm busy" so anyway after she came over i gave up on her as a human being.. like i'm not joking.. after she came over and it felt fake i just put her in a different category where i stopped caring what she did or didn't do.. i guess i realized you can't make someone care so understand in this entry i'm not upset or anything, i'm just venting about the latest happening but i had to give the background to paint the full picture so anyway.. i got a new car last year and she never looked at it or took any interest to say "hey james i saw your new car" or "hey james show me the interior" like she just never acknowledged it but here's what prompted me to write all of this today.. she got a new car yesterday and all of a sudden she has no problem texting me back now.. she sent me a picture of her car, and she actually had a back and forth with me for once look let me explain.. the last time i texted her it took her two days to respond back.. and even then it was because she needed something.. sometimes a whole week will pass before she responds to a text, or sometimes i just don't get a response but she gets this new car and has no problem texting me about it.. i'm like "oh.. so i DO exist?" i mean seriously.. imagine your friend ignores you all the time then something good happens to them and they are all in your face about it like its such a joke and i was texting her and saying oh wow that's a nice car yadda yadda and she actually was like texting me back meanwhile any other time we text its like she will speak for a minute then disappear out of nowhere.. like how should i feel when the only time you don't disappear is when u got this new car you're happy about and celebrating about? it just makes her look extremely self-centered i honestly treat her the way you'd treat a child now.. like you know how you just overlook little weird things kids do because you know they are just kids.. that's how i treat my sister.. i just treat her like i don't expect her to make any sense from jump so anyway.. i will give my sister some props because she gave me $40 for my birthday and i got her nothing for hers.. so i gotta keep it real on that at the same time though.. money doesn't replace you just being real and genuine with someone but alright.. it's whatever.. i'm honestly not upset because this is to be expected.. end of vent let me start this one off by saying none of what i am about to say is rooted in perversion.. if you think i'm being perverted then trust that's YOUR dirty mind and not anything i am actually typing... i hate that i even have to put a disclaimer here but i can already predict that someone will try to take this the wrong way.. i will say it again: NONE OF THIS IS ROOTED IN ANY TYPE OF PERVERSION
one thing about me is i love young girls.. they are like one of my fave groups of people to observe like age 8 to about 14 girls at that young age are so cool.. if only they would stay that way when they grow up i always enjoy it when i find myself around girls in that age range.. i remember the first tme i realized young girls are really cool was when i was like 20 and i went to a relative's house and i had a female cousin there who was like 8 she was acting so crazy lol.. she was singing and cracking jokes and acting like she was a celebrity and just being so fun and cool and entertaining that age range for girls seems to be when they're at their sweetest.. they're just cute and fun and innocent earlier this year i went to my sister's house and my neice was there with two of her friends.. they all came downstairs and started telling me all kinds of things out of nowhere lol.. one of them was like "i'm almost as tall as you" and i was thinking wow.. she just hit me with that ether you would have thought i knew my neice's friends already the way they were telling me so many things.. one of them said her dad was in jail too unfortunately... girls at that age are so positive and have such a good attitude and outlook.. and they will just walk up to you and do or say something bonkers i think young girls are interesting in that they will talk to you and sit next to you and bug you even though you're not really paying them any attention.. like you will be watching tv and they will just walk up and step on your feet or something.. you can literally ignore them for like an hour and they will still be bothering you.. i sometimes wonder what exactly they want i really honestly wish grown women had some of the same traits as their younger counterparts.. like if grown women could still be sweet and nice and polite and easy going that would make dating so much easier.. but something happens to women over time and they become like a mere shell of their former selves i see young girls and how they just have this simple charm to them.. they are just being themselves and having fun.. why do they lose that when they get older? here is a list of things girls are when they are in that age demographic sweet polite shy charming relaxed funny open entertaining chatty forgiving they get older and their list is like rude attitude stank unpleasant tense dry guarded boring stoic vindictive when it comes to young boys, i'm not sure what age is my favorite.. my nephews right now are like 10 and 11 and that's pretty cool.. they are at an age where i can give them some advice so that's pretty coo but little girls like 8 to 14 are the most entertaining to me.. my favorite thing they do is how they just talk to you about so many things.. i may not care about what they're talking about but i like that they share their thoughts they are so excited and happy and they seem to have all the positive traits of femininity.. the way i see it, its almost like that age range represents how women are supposed to act.. but something happens to them along the way unfortunately that fun, crazy little girl who would never think of harming anyone dies at some point and is replaced by a grown up feminist demon with a black heart real talk if i could meet a woman who still has that pure youthful spirit that would be dope |
James Arthurnew speak, true speak Archives
December 2017
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