so far things are going pretty well with questa
she has shown me a lot of the things i want to see in a woman.. things i never really see in modern day scumbag skanks
in a very short time she has impressed me and i hope it continues.. i can't say if it will or not but i hope it does
i feel like she has been "present" ..which is more than i can say for most women i've come across.. i think modern women are not "present" with us men or "in the moment" with us because they are so used to getting attention from men- in real life, but also primarily on social media
they are always seeing men as disposable because there is always another guy who is willing to feed her ego.. that is what we have in the post social media world.. many "socially spoiled" women
the constant validation has made many of them rotten and useless.. why be "in the moment" with a guy when you have 50 other guys on standby?
but honestly.. legit its not just social media... i also think we men are at fault as well..
"which men" you ask?
one thing that is ruining women is the lack of fathers in the household these days.. i've noticed women don't know how to react to men.... they see us and they just don't know who we are or what we are here for- so they continually make very odd decisions where men are concerned
we see the way they act and we consider them to be crazy or unstable or in my case "complete idiots" but i will throw them that bone- many of them grew up without male figures anywhere in sight and they now have no idea how to interact with us or love us
but questa actually does seem like she is holding me down the best she can.. and she seems to be giving me some of her time.. she doesn't seem distracted like many other women.. she seems like she wants what i want which is an actual relationship
its a big change of pace to meet a girl who isn't a useless scumbag
speaking of girls.. i told a girl recently that i really want to get married.. she told me it would happen for me.. but i wasn't looking for a pep talk.. i was just telling her i have a goal.. women seem to misinterpret things like that a lot
if you say you want a wife or something they treat you like its a cry for help.. its not.. its just me telling you the trajectory that i am either on, or getting on
i saw meagan the other day at work.. she is fatter and she got a little acne (she may be going through something) but i still love that girl.. i love her about as much as you can love someone you barely know
i would love to still take her out but i don't know how to ask her out again after she rejected me the first time
i feel like women want men to have all this confidence but they don't give us a reason to feel confident at all.. they're like "sit down, sit still, take ritalin, deal with 90% female teachers and their stupid rhetoric, look at beautiful girls in booty shorts all day in high school while they gleefully reject you, go to college and get demonized by the feminist curriculum, never receive a compliment or a positive affirmation from anyone... but be a strong confident male figure"
its such a joke
but i can see i'm kinda ranting again lol.. so i'm out
i've been gone for over a week.. i'm not sure why.. i guess my head has been in other places
but i'll try to do an update
i've been talking to a girl named questa.. she is cool so far.. here are the things that are good about her
1. big boobs
2. she actually texts me and checks up on me
3. she believes in God and is at least trying to have some righteousness
4. she has a measure of logic- which makes her easier to talk to than many women
i typically have absolutely zero luck with women so if you never hear about her again then you know what happened
btw.. if she stays around- i will post a picture of her.. i'd do it right now but man.. honestly women come and go so much that i won't bother until i know she means something to me
i have been keeping up with no man's sky coverage
i always felt like this game would be terrible and it is
i also always disliked sean murray.. when i first saw him i didn't like how he acted as if he was a new developer accomplishing his dream
i am the type who prefers a dev to look and appear accomplished, professional, unmoved, and confident.. because i feel like those are the signs of a dev that really has something on their hands.. and a dev who is more like a veteran than an intern
compare the demeanor of sean murray to the demeanor of a rep from naughty dog.. night and day
so i've always disliked no man's sky because i always thought the game looked like crap and i felt that sean murray looked like a hack
turns out i was right
ciarra invited me to stay with her in texas for a few days
believe it or not, this actually threw me into an odd state
i was like really in a state of confusion and bewilderment for about a week after she said that
i was realizing how i should be happy about it but it just felt weird
the only thing i can really say is this:
i have been "chasing" this girl for a very long time.. it has all been out of my own admiration of her.. none of it has been from her giving me any type of positive reinforcement
i think this whole time (about 2 years) i've fallen into a sort of groove with her where i have grown to expect her to shun all my advances.. so i never feel bad because i feel like my "hope" is totally unfounded.. like i never expected her to actually open up to me
so to receive an invitation to stay at her house for a few days- i recognize that as like a big deal
and i guess psychologically it amounts to the first time i can actually be legitimately rejected by her
so believe it or not- hearing her invite me out ended up being a little scary as opposed to exciting
i've been flirting with her non stop and she hasn't budged an inch.. so when she actually "budges" and concedes then its almost like i'm so shocked that i'm immediately thrust into performance anxiety- like "i can't mess up this opportunity!"
i never would've expected to be thrown into such an odd state over such a great invitation but it really threw me off
and i know whoever is reading this is probably wondering if i'll actually go
i will go if the opportunity presents itself.. it turns out that she doesn't move into her place there until the exact same day that i start fall classes.. so its not exactly in the cards right now
one thing i have learned from the Lord though is you do what He tells you to do, so if God doesn't open a door- then you probably shouldn't go trying to kick it open.. so i want to wait for the Lord's leading and timing before flying out
but if the Lord opens that up for me i definitely want to go.. but i'm not sweatin her.. i admit i like her but i'm not losing myself over her if that makes any sense
i finally got my streets book in the mail
this thing took forever to get here..
i'll try to let u all know how it is
he's one of my fave rappers that's for sure
i counted today and i realized if everything goes well with my classes, then in 9 months i will birth a master's degree
prayers are appreciated.. i really want to achieve this
i remember having nothing in my 20s and so when my life started to come together i kinda told myself in my heart that i would try to add to what i have and so that is what i am trying to do
i had very little in my 20s.. i never had money for things really.. i was never really able to keep a job.. flunked out of school like 3 times.. i'd say 2005 and 2006 were extremely depressing years for me where i was like a nobody with no type of faith or confidence
but i believe we can redeem the time..
so that is kinda what i'm trying to do.. sort of trying to accomplish now what i was unable to accomplish back then
i sometimes wish i could tell people that they can move forward in life, but i usually feel like people won't understand that i'm speaking to them from the heart and not from rhetoric
i've had a lot of missteps in life but i legit got A's in every class last semester.. so my point is you can move forward and distance yourself from your previous shortcomings or fears
i had to stop taking some of my vitamins recently because i think they were making me extremely.....
let's just say i felt like bill cosby
i don't know why the labels on some of these things don't say "will make you think about sex 25 hours a day"
imagine your libido has levels and they are low, medium, high, and taz-manian devil
i was on taz for days and that just wasn't kosher, brah
i saw this picture on a video today
i took a picture of it because it seems so true these days
i finally bought chairs for my bar area in my apartment
i got two of these
at first i didn't want to get them due to price but i didn't want to pass them up..
these were another item i got where i found them in the first place i went to look
i listen to music in my car now on usb thumbdrives
i have all the music i made on one thumbdrive and music from other artists on another one
if anyone reading this wants a thumbdrive with all my music on it then hit me up..
also- if anyone wants to hook me up with music, let me know.. my car lets me choose by folder or by artist.. and i have like three 32gb thumb drives so i'm pretty much open to anything because none of them are even close to being full
personally, i think the next batch of music i want to put on my drive is loose ends.. i always really liked their music ever since the first time i saw their hangin on a string video in 05
oh and let me say this.. i got that q-unit album on my drive.. that's the queen and g-unit mashup... man that thing still bangs lol its still available free online for anyone interested.. i'd say its one of the best mashup albums i've heard.. speaking of which.. wugazi (wu-tang and fugazi) was pretty cool too..
oh yeah, and this particular mashup song never stops being legit
alright.. i don't really feel like thinking of more things to say
hopefully that was a legit update
if i ever get married i really want to be honored
i want her to honor me as a man, as her husband, and as a protector/provider for her
i have legit never once in my life seen a woman honor a man
i may have seen it on like a tv show from the 50s or something but i wasn't even alive then.. i don't think i've ever seen a woman honor a man in modern times
i've never seen a woman really tell a man "you do this so well" or "i don't know what i'd do without you" or "my husband is a great guy because" or "you're so smart" or "you're so strong" or "thank you for overseeing our family so well" or "you help keep me sane" or anything
all i ever see in this society is women telling men they are stupid and useless
legit, i want to be honored.. i want a woman to really hold me down in this area
all it would do is make me want to do more for her and the children if we had any
modern women are largely scumbags though and if they read this entry they would complain and rant and rave and tell me i'm some kind of crazy ego maniac.. they'd say men should be emasculated and never honored
but i am not asking for anything wrong.. all men want honor and respect
i hope i can get it from a woman who is in my corner one day.. it would mean a lot
i've been spending the past few days trying to go all digital
i have been throwing cds in the trash and just putting all music and files on thumb drives
what started me doing this was realizing i can just plug a thumb drive in my car and play music from it.. this has made me just toss out madd cds
i think we should go digital with everything.. i guess the only issue is the time it would take.. like scanning old pictures or polaroids.. or converting vhs
but it would definitely be worth it once you finished
this was a video i did back when i used to just make videos for fun
again, no sound.. but the concept was that i thought i was eating apple jacks when really i was eating apple jack-offs
i don't know why i made this lol
i really wish this had sound.. i want to hear when i said something like, "i don't think this is regular cereal" LOL for some reason that part was hilarious
i found a lot of old footage on a cd-r i had... i don't know how i converted it from the hi-8 recorder to cd-r but whatever i did made the sound not come out
but here's footage of me on stage back about 10 or 11 yrs ago
what i used to do was go do a "preliminary" show at a bar or a writer's night before doing a bigger show with my peers.. this was one of those "preliminary" shows
so whenever i did these i typically had a "real" show the next day.. i did this to get the jitters out
i just want to talk about this
like a week or two ago i asked a girl why she didn't consider me to be boyfriend material and she told me i'm too religious
this really kinda put me in a weird mood
i can't say it made me sad or anything, but it just put me in a weird state
ok here's my side
on my website is where i am most opinionated.. this site is where i just say anything.. so i understand how someone would think i am insufferable if they come to my website.. i completely understand that
but what i don't get is how someone can say i'm "too religious" when in real life all i do is accept people and try to show them love and try to be cool with them
on this site i am critical of many things and people.. but in real life i am madd laid back
i never dissed her for any of her actions.. most girls tell me things that i don't really need to know about their past sex lives or about their partying and indiscriminate behavior
but i never tell them they are dirty, i never tell them they are in sin, i never tell them i'm better than them, i never do anything of the sort
i try not to be self righteous.. i try to just let people do what they do because i don't feel its my place to tell another person how to live their life
so this is why i say it put me in a weird mood.. because all i've done for this particular girl is show her love no matter what.. in every situation i've tried my best and she says i'm "too religious"
and she went on to say "you go to church every sunday, i only go once or twice a month"
i fail to see how that's a big deal
like so what- i like going to church, how is that a bad thing? i'm not doing it because i feel like i have to- i go because i like hearing what the Lord is going to say and i like being around other people who honor the Lord
that doesn't make me "religious" that makes me a person who prioritizes church lol.. like she made me sound like some type of fanatic
and i don't know maybe she was referring to sex because i think its for marriage but this is the same person who told me she was tired of guys who only want one thing from her so i don't really get what would be so bad about me wanting to keep things in the proper context
this thing has made me realize many women don't know what they want at all.. they say they want a guy who wants something real beyond just physical but they meet that guy and tell him he's a nerd or he's "too religious"
i am not too religious, i am so down to earth its crazy.. i am madd opinionated but i'm only this way on the website- in my everyday life i am madd chill about everything
and i never point fingers at people.. 99% of the time when people are sinning, i think they already know it- so there is no point in me trying to tell them to stop
and i have my own issues i have to deal with so how do i look trying to tell someone how to live their life?
i don't walk around talking about church stuff all day every day, i talk about regular things just as much as bible things.. so i just don't get how someone can say i'm too religious
but people know i don't smoke or drink or do many of the things most people do- but that doesn't mean i'm too religious, that just means i'm doing me
why do people feel judged just because i don't participate in the same things they participate in?
but a part of me just feels like that was something she just said off the top of her head because she is looking for something else.. like maybe someone with darker skin, or maybe someone with more money, or maybe someone taller, or whatever
i kinda feel like we are just dealing with a low level of attraction, as in she is not really feeling me overall.. and that was the only thing she could think to say
but i just feel like- if she really does think i'm too religious.. that is a wrong way of thinking because you should want a spouse who is God-fearing.. you shouldn't desire one who is like "oh Jesus? yeah i can take him or leave him"
that would be a recipe for disaster imo
its an easy way to waste time because a man who isn't God-fearing probably isn't trying to commit in a world where women are freely giving up booty
but either way- no matter what these chicks are saying or doing, it doesn't matter.. i just have to stay prayed up and keep it movin
they can think what they want- i'm not going to change for them.. as a matter of fact, i'm going to church right now
this is not me being racist- this is just stuff to think about
i am not racist and i am aware its "not all" white people.. i am speaking in general terms
also i want to make this clear.. i say "white" and "black" but i resent those terms because we are more than color, we are culture, history, belief, and conduct.. reducing people to colors is a complete joke.. i feel that categorizing people to a color is dehumanizing as it is a denial of human individuality, connection, and dynamism... i am just saying "white" and "black" so that i can get to the point quicker
1. they don't think racism exists
i don't know what they think is going on in society sometimes.. it is royally annoying when a white person says something racist and acts like its not racist
some guy at my job for example said trayvon martin shouldn't have dressed like a gangster if he wasn't a gangster.. i fail to see how wearing a hooded sweatshirt is gangster when pretty much everyone wears those at some point
i also fail to see how a person can defend the killing of an unarmed teen
if i hadn't grown up as the only black person going to my middle school and high school in michigan then i wouldn't have been prepared for the weird racist comments i hear at work
they bounce off of me because i grew up dealing with those types of comments and sentiments all the time
i've heard it all- from "james looks like snoop dogg" to "rap sucks but i like eminem"
2. white men have extremely narrow beauty standards.. white guys are so quick to call a woman fat or say she has cellulite or say "she's brunette, i like blonde" or say "i don't date girls who aren't white" or blah blah blah
ok well then build a factory where nothing but pamela anderson comes out.. but remember- she has hepatitis c... so have fun with that
have you ever been to a video game review site and noticed they nit-picked games to death? if so, then you've seen how they just complain about everything to the point where you just want to ask them if they even like video games at all
that's what white guys remind me of- their standards of beauty are so narrow that it is just overboard
"she's fat, yuck!"
women are supposed to have more body fat than men
3. they make fun of urban slang and then 3yrs later they use it in everyday conversations
btw before someone tries to make this a race thing- i have talked about black people and asian people on this site as well as males and females.. so understand this is not racist because it is not isolated criticism of one group- these are just things i've seen.. again- not all