may was definitely not the best month i've ever had
it was literally rejection after rejection after rejection after rejection
i have been going through so much that its ridiculous
i got really confused as to why God has been allowing me to go through so much negativity
i also found myself wanting to do things i know i probably shouldn't do.. just to alleviate the stress and uncertainty.. a moment of respite from it would suffice as a substantial getaway
i am not sure what i'm going to do but i am hoping to have a better time in June
may was just not the best.. it was like.. just getting up and going to work, still not having enough money.. not having meaningful relationships, boredom, confusion, even things like hopelessness from situations for example:
i always wish i could sit and make an album.. this is always in the back of my mind, but i know in my head i don't have time.. i don't have time to sit and make songs when i sit at work on a computer 8 hours a day plus i have to find time to exercise, clean, get groceries, pay bills, look for better jobs, see family, go to church, etc.. this gives me a sort of hopeless feeling.. like when will i ever get an opportunity to block everything out and just make an album?
i said years ago that to make an album u need 3 T's.. time, talent, and tools
i just don't really have the time.. i come up with lyric fragments all the time and thats about it.. i am at work writing lyrics on microsoft word and the supervisor comes up behind me and i have to click it off the screen
it just feels demoralizing sometimes
when it comes to women in may.. they all just played games.. i pretty much completely hate women at this point.. they are all so useless its mind boggling
in the bible it says a woman is a man's helper but women don't want to help.. they are assholes.. i literally hate them.. i don't hate every woman.. i just hate most of them.. i think they are useless.. like every creature has a name and a purpose.. a dog does dog things, a penguin does penguin things.. but you ask a woman to be a woman and she will look at you like you are crazy
they don't support us men at all they literally do the opposite, they put us down and diss us and they don't honor the men in their lives.. instead they tell men they are not on their level.. women are so arrogant it is absurd.. i mean it is just nuts.. the way they think is so nonsensical that no man can deal with them in any non-sexual capacity
this is why women are always having sex but not being in a relationship.. because no man can deal with it.. i continually meet beautiful women who are utterly unbearable
and another thing.. women these days have no tolerance level.. u could do 10 nice things but if you do one bad thing your calls will go to voicemail .. this is stupid to me.. if you are hoping to one day get married, guess what? at some point you're going to have to learn how to forgive or try a mature response for once.. you can't just ignore someone for 3 weeks and expect the relationship to be the same whenever you've decided to talk again.. women close the door on you so fast in 2015 its like they might as well not even open it in the first place
my life has gone haywire and i don't really think people can tell because i still have my place and i still have my job but the foundations of my life have been rattled.. like i thought a lot this month about who i am and who God created me to be and i thought a lot about where my life is going and i just don't have any answers
when it comes to my job search i have received so much rejection that i started counting them.. its like a game at this point.. like a game of "how absurd can my life possibly get?" ..how many jobs and women will reject me?
may has just been awful.. i mean its been like one huge reminder that women are worthless and jobs are scarce
and i keep thinking "am i going to have to get a master's degree?" i don't even like school but when you get out into this world and you see how little a bachelor's degree gets you- you wonder if you need to go back and try to obtain a master's
i have plans on having a better june.. i ACTUALLY HAVE PLANS.. both physical and spiritual plans... i will discuss them on my next recap hopefully
ok.. now i'm going to wrap this up
i didn't speak on SPECIFICS here but everything i said here is a summary of what my May was
i might speak on specific scenarios later on.. it depends on if i have time or not
someone just text me and said
"james i'm just now getting these messages"
i said back "who is this? i don't have this number in my phone"
they said "nevermind"
ok i legit don't know who it was but it must've been a female because it didn't make any sense
if u admit you are just now seeing some messages i sent you then wouldn't common sense say that- you didn't see what i said so i assumed u were ignoring me?
wouldn't logic say that if i don't have your number in this case, that you shouldn't take it personal?
unless you just made whole thing up and ended up getting your feelings hurt
either way, whatever
i have been thinking about deleting all the information off my mac
i don't really know where this idea came from.. its just an idea that came and it seems like it won't go away
i have had my mac since 2010 and so it has 5 yrs of accumulated information
but i keep thinking i should wipe it clean
that's a lot of info to toss out
but i'm leaning toward it
on a song i did a few yrs ago called "5 minutes" (i called it that because the purpose was to write it quickly and see how it would come out) i said:
"nonchalant is what i be on.. chill/
non-stop is how i keep-on.. real/
unbreakable, i won't shatter/
priorities? ignorin things that don't matter/
feel like i was born shy so i don't need spotlight/
overrated extroverts.. all hype/
what about the shy and the sensitive?/
yo i'm shoutin us out.. you feelin it?/
meek people.. taken for weak people/
common mistakes, you need power to perceive people/
i'm introverted but i'm fly too/
end of the day, i'm just not like you/"
i wrote this song very quickly so i am surprised at how true it rings.. i am reminded of this verse a fair bit because i sometimes have this issue with women where they seem to think i am a weak person
what is weakness?
what exactly is a weak man?
do you peeps think i am a weak person?
i don't feel that i am.. i do believe i have emotions.. but weak?
this is my opinion on the issue.. i feel that women these days try to act strong when they are really weak..
but i am the opposite.. i appear weak to people but i am strong.. (not trying to be arrogant by saying that, just let me finish)
to give an example of what i mean when i say women try to act strong but inside they are weak- watch this video.. start it at 1:45
now.. that is not my only example, but it is a very clear example for you all
this woman tries to act like she has everything 'in the pocket' so to speak but she cries at this juvenile yet humorous joke about her looks
i see this a lot.. where women try to act like this "confident diva" or someone who "has it all together" but on the inside they are afraid and/or lonely and/or very self conscious and/or attention starved.. i see through the facade to what it really is at times- a deep need for external validation from someone or something, or just a fear of showing any vulnerability
one way i've seen this play out is when i am doing something with a girl and i ask her to do something and she says no but if i persist, she will do it..
i will ask her to do something and she will say: "NO, I REFUSE"
then i will switch and i will TELL her to do it, and she will do it
this has shown me that women put up a front to appear stone when they are really cotton
so now let's take it back to myself.. again like i said i'm the opposite.. women act strong but are weak, but i appear weak but i'm strong.. what i mean by strong is like.. unaffected by a lot.. not petty.. can take rejection, fairly steady etc
i often feel like women take my meekness for weakness
they see me being polite and being humble and respectful but they seem to think this makes me weak or unable to stand up for myself
this is just not the case.. the fact is i put all that stuff on the backburner because there is no point in addressing every single thing
also because its like jay-z said "don't let me do it to you, because i overdo it"
its like.. if i actually address disrespect i may get heavy-handed with it.. like there are so many times where i feel that women are disrespectful and i overlook it or ignore it and i try to just be cool and keep the peace
but that doesn't mean i am weak or unable to address it lol.. i am giving you a chance to act right
i am giving you an opportunity to correct yourSELF before i react
i feel that women don't understand that.. they think, oh he is weak.. lol you will find out just how weak i am if you keep playing.. this is the same thing that happens when people think you're dumb.. its like they think their veiled insult went over your head.. IT DIDNT, I JUST DIDNT REACT.. the fact that it was veiled in the first place tells me you're not prepared to really go there with me
sometimes i really feel like women want me to put them in their place but honestly i would rather treat you with a high regard, but what do i do if it doesn't get me anywhere?
i am growing tired of women thinking humility, kindness, and being reserved are signs of weakness
no- i am not an attention whore.. no i am not the loudest man in the room.. yes i can be found ducked off in the cut
but no that does not mean i am not handling my business in life... and it also doesn't mean i am not PLANNING on handling my business in life (as various things may take time to come to fruition)
do any of you men feel me on this?
do u feel women are misreading you?
i want to say a few things about video games.. this is an f.t.g. so if u don't like games don't read
ok so one thing i want to say is that lately i have been playing puppeteer.. puppeteer is so creative it is absolutely insane.. i applaud the developers for making this game it is just phenomenal
the only prob with it is the actual gameplay is somewhat lacking.. but the production value is second to none, and the creativity is off the charts
trying to explain the game is pretty much impossible so i have to post a video
if you are into any sort of creative artistic experience you will dig this game.. its like a play that you play
i want to talk about weapons in games.. when you play a game like metal gear or resident evil or any sort of game where you have to have weapons.. what is usually your fave?
i would have to go on record and say one of my fave weapons to use is landmines
i love setting them up.. i must have a very analytical mind because any game that lets me think through things is fun to me
i love trying to predict where the enemy will step.. i predict where they will walk and i set landmines in a way that will take out as many as possible
if you REALLY think it through you might even set a landmine next to an explosive barrel or canister then lure the enemy to step on it and boom you've killed like 6 guys
in any game with landmines i really go ham with those things lol
i love them.. what is your fave weapon to use?
what game are you looking forward to?
i don't have a ps4 yet but whenever i get one i want to get the order 1886 and street fighter 5
street fighter 5 is so high on my list its hard to explain it.. i mean wow.. i can't wait to see zangief
i can't wait to see all the features.. i resent all the dlc and crap they put in games these days but honestly i might end up buying all the dlc for it
i just really truly hope they improve the music.. the music on sf4 was TRASH.. which was so odd because the music on SF2 and SF3 was phenomenal.. i mean like completely unforgettable music that really set the tone for a character or for a battle
i still want some games on ps3 tho too
mainly vanquish, metal gear rising revengeance, time and eternity, and some more stuff
one other thing i want to say is this
e3 will be here in about a month
I SUGGEST WE ALL STEER CLEAR OF THE GAMING WEBSITES!!!!!
i say try to stay off until e3 because think about it.. from now til e3 all you're going to see is spoilers for everything coming
so i suggest just staying away from now until e3 so when it comes you can be surprised.. that's just my personal suggestion
this post is not a diss to this girl.. i just thought it was worth a post because it was a moment of unbridled honesty which i appreciate in this world of fronters
i suggest stopping the video after she is done talking because the guy after her has some lame commentary.. so pretend the video stops after 6:30 and just click stop
also.. try not to read what i say below until you have heard what she has to say
so many things to touch on here
1. college really has become like a 'rite of passage' these days for many people.. i mean it is deeply lodged in many peoples' subconscious.. everyday somewhere in the back of their mind their brain tells them they are valueless without college.. lol.. this is not the case- you still have value without college.. now if u are broke and you feel you need to go to college to create an opportunity then that's fine, but college doesn't hold your value as a human being
2. why is there this idea that college is actually FUN? LMAO
people really think listening to boring teachers is fun? people think going into debt is fun? people think living in a small dorm room with another person is fun? people think doing homework is fun?
now.. in her case i kinda understand.. you know.. kinda like the grass always looks greener.. she is in a situation where college seems like a missed opportunity.. and i understand that but this whole notion that it is fun (especially if you just got out of high school) is just wrong.. honestly without the prospects of sex and alcohol and parties and drug experimentation- college is nothing more than extended high school
you're still broke, you're still not respected, its not this great exodus that some people seem to think it is.. i mean college isn't even like the commercials so you should damn well know its not like the movies
3. why the balls doesn't she sign up for online classes? i can see she is due at any minute so she doesn't want to be walking around campus but you can still do online.. and what's crazy is they make accommodations for women who are pregnant.. i remember one chick at school was pregnant and she got to work ahead so she worked ahead 3 to 5 weeks.. no one else had the ability to do that.. i find it to be kinda stupid in a sense.. like are we following rules or not? but that's what they do, they make exceptions for people.. i wish i could've worked ahead because it would've given me incentive like "hey once i finish this bs i can play video games for the last 5 weeks" but whatever i'm not complaining i'm just saying.. like the college is still there, you can still go... WHICH BRINGS ME TO ANOTHER POINT
4. is she lamenting the fact that she can't go back to college right now? or is she lamenting the fact that she can't go and "be the pretty girl" and "turn up" and "go to the front of the line" and "have fun" and "21st birthday (can drink legally)" etc
when you really look at it- it seems like she is not really mourning COLLEGE so much as she is mourning her lost value as that young pretty girl who gets to be on instagram with her boobs out, or on facebook saying how fun her life is, or at the club getting hit on by thirsty men, etc
because COLLEGE ITSELF is still on the table.. you can still take out a loan and go.. but what's not on the table anymore is that same lifestyle you had before you got pregnant
5. i think she will be straight.. i don't know when this video was recorded but the fact that she was being real shows me she will be fine.. deliverance starts with an honest testimony.. what does the Bible say? something like "profess your sins one to another that ye may be healed"
so she doesn't know it but her honesty and transparency are leading her to full restoration
6. women need to keep their legs closed.. its like 40% of what i say here on my website.. and when i say this i don't need any women trying to redirect me and say "what about the men?" the bottom line is you are the gatekeeper.. there is ALWAYS going to be a man who wants to smash you, that is why you are in the driver's seat.. that is why it is up to you to have discretion and set parameters.. get married, don't become a baby mama or someone who is chronically single with no kids, or someone who has an std
stop banging these dudes, lol i'm telling you- shoot for marriage first.. find a man who fears God.. this girl said it best, ask him where is the ring at? YES SOME MEN WILL WALK AWAY BUT THAT IS YOUR LITMUS TEST THAT HE JUST FAILED
7. love her honesty.. if more people would speak like her- our youth wouldn't be misguided!!!!!
i have that movie service called crackle on my ps3
about a month ago i watched resident evil degeneration
then last night i watched resident evil damnation
before seeing these, the only other computer generated graphics movie i saw based on a video game was advent children.. i loved advent children btw and i have it on dvd
now.. when it comes to resident evil degeneration and damnation.. these movies are also excellent
degeneration was the first of these to come out.. it is with claire redfield and leon kennedy from the games and everyone else is pretty much a new character
it is amazing.. i really liked it and after i saw it i wanted the dvd.. they did such a great job on the movie.. just like in the games, the story is crazy and only the real heroes really get to see what is happening and why because anything concerning governments, or t-virus, or umbrella is shrouded in mystery
and as always there is a lot of action.. this movie had a lot of zombies in it.. it was great
now lets talk about damnation.. damnation was actually better than degeneration.. WOW damnation was PHENOMENAL.. this movie starred leon kennedy and ada wong.. as always its vague as to who ada is working for
this movie was so good its ridiculous.. i would recommend seeing both but if you have to see one, watch damnation
it mostly featured lickers as the main enemy.. i think lickers are one of the scariest things they've ever thought of.. damnation was outright disgusting at times which was oddly satisfying lol
anyway both of these were great and i'd like to get both on dvd.. i hope they make more movies like these