thanks for keeping up with me here on the site for another year
i feel like this year was good for the site.. i definitely did my thing by just staying true and staying consistent.. it was quiet this year- i didn't really get too many comments or anything, but i'm fine with that... i like having room to breathe i don't really care to hear a lot of naysayers, i like having the space to think my own thoughts and come to my own conclusions
this year for me was basically like........
i'd say it was kinda uneventful up until about august
at the top of the year i was just sort of like trying to enjoy myself.. i was trying to enjoy relaxing because it was one of the first times in my life where everything seemed to be in place... last year and the year before were really hard with me doing a lot of second guessing, decision making, searching, trying to find a job, a place to live, etc. etc.
but this year started off and everything was in place, so i just wanted to enjoy myself and relax, but a few months passed and i started to feel like i was doing the same thing every day... i also started to get kinda depressed a little because my job got worse and worse and i felt stuck because it was hard trying to find another job
i experienced a lot of rejection this year from women and jobs but i'm happy about it in the end because it makes me feel like i'm prepared for things.. like some people don't know what this world is like.. some married people don't know what the dating pool is like these days and they are thinking about leaving their spouse.. they are ignorant to what society is really like and how selfish and ignorant many people are.. many people are probably out there thinking about quitting their job not knowing how hard it can be to get another one.. not understanding that maybe if they hang in there, the situation will change
this year i was able to really maintain the things i have but i was still able to experience the world and see what is really out there.. i was able to see fake people, hardship, foolishness, temptation, bias/bigotry, karma/consequence etc
i was just able to see a lot of what happens in life and "how's" and "why's" and the ends of things
it wasn't easy seeing these things because some of it was through experience, but like i said, i feel like it all prepared me ... not so much for an event, but just for reality itself.. i am happy to know what things really are or what they really can be behind the curtain.. they say the grass is always greener on the other side.. but this year i was presented with the ability to see both sides and come to better conclusions.. sometimes its good to make a transition and sometimes its good to stick to what you know.. for each situation- try to stand back and peep both sides, the flesh is a loud talker- trying to get you to make rash decisions.. but if you resist it you can get that perspective you need
so anyway... back to this year on a personal level..
i started out trying to relax then after some months passed and things were getting worse and worse, i sort of finally came to the conclusion that i couldn't relax.. i couldn't just go home after work and play video games and eat pizza
so in june i got a gym membership renewal.. then august came and i started getting the ball rolling on whatever is next for me.. i did the g.r.e. test out in alabama (it was the closest one during that time) and i got the scores i needed.. i was real proud of myself for taking the initiative to do that becuase it was a $200 test.. there are a lot of things we'd rather spend that money on as you could imagine! also i was happy to see i got the scores i needed on the first try without studying.. it made me feel smart, but it taught me that initiative itself is a form of intelligence and a desirable trait as it is a part of faith
so from august to now i pretty much did a lot better than say.. january to may.. i ended up getting a lot of things accomplished.. i got the ball rolling on a lot of things.. i even took care of some stuff i needed to do for over a year.. i really got up in august and decided i had to just sort of "do more" or whatever.. and it worked out well
i also ended up getting a much better job in october as some of you may know.. the funny thing about the job is i worked my nuts off trying to find a job but when i got the call about this job i have now- it seemed to come completely out of nowhere.. i wasn't thinking about this job at all, they just emailed me at work one day out the blue.. i had two interviews and didn't hear anything, then i started to feel a way, so i sent some "thank you for interviewing me" emails and i got the job the next day .. its not like i'm ballin out of control or anything like that.. but the new job is just a much better fit for me as a person, and i thank the Lord for that
God really looked out for me because i was NOT happy in the other job.. i actually got an email sent to me yesterday from someone who thought i still worked in that job... it felt very cathartic to reply like "thank you but i don't work in that department anymore" .. i almost wanted to put "ngga" at the end of the email for emphasis
women this year were pretty much totally awful with the exception of melanie
i changed though.. i went through so much crap with women this year that my bitterness turned into full on hatred which i am not ashamed of.. its just something i feel like i have to work on, not because i want to appeal to women but so that i am not walking around with hate on deck period.. it has nothing to do with women.. i honestly couldn't care less about their opinion of me.. if i work on not hating women, its for me, not for them
i am so thankful that the Lord has kept everyone this year
as for music.. i don't really have a song of the year this time around.. the closest i could come was "cherry" from curve... check it out if you can.. its a hidden gem of a song for sure... but the reason i say i don't really have a song of the year is because i probably heard the song in 2014.. so i don't know if it really counts for 2015.. it might tho.. i mean 2015 was the only year where i really noticed it and kept it on repeat a few times
i listened to curve and dave matthews band this entire year.. let me list the main albums in no particular order
dave matthews band:
under the table and dreaming
i listened to these albums pretty much the entire year.. i kid you not
off an on throughout the year i also peeped kendrick lamar's "to pimp a butterfly" .. i definitely dig the album but i just admire it more than anything.. its like something i find very fascinating.. if you haven't peeped it- definitely try to find time to check it out.. its a really wild listen and very appropriate considering the influx and perpetuation of racism today
on second thought when it comes to my song of the year.. it might actually be "sausage" from lil mama.. i think her vocals carried that song in a way we probably haven't seen in a long time.. if you listen to the beat you realize its very simple and somewhat plain, but her vocals bring so much life to the song that it really "pops" if that makes any sense.. also just the fun vibe of it is remarkable.. i'm not saying i sit and listen to something like that on repeat but its just so well done that maybe i should give that song the s.o.t.y. status.. i was thoroughly impressed by both the song and the video- her vocal performance was just phenomenal on that.. it seems like she did everything on that beat, i mean wow
one thing i want to say about this year though is i honestly don't give a crap about what people think.. i somewhat feel like that part of me was killed off by my messed up situations with women.. all those times i just didn't understand why a girl didn't like me.. it really made me into a person who has a certain level of disregard for the opinions of others... i feel like anything i do to be nice, or appear presentable, or be humble are all due to knowledge and not due to social pressures
it's like.. if women don't like u then they don't like you, if people are racist against you then they are racist against you.. whatever the sentiment is- i don't care
overall this year was a blessing.. i went to the dentist, i lived in my apartment, i got new tires, i worked, in other words, i basically felt like a part of society.. i felt like an adult.. i felt like i "fit" ... not saying i have reached my potential in life, but i didn't feel out of place.. i felt like i was where i was supposed to be *index 2 the sky*
let's ride into 2016 peeps
ok as some of u may know, i stopped dating altogether
i want to talk about what this has been like for me
ok first let me talk about how this all happened
i was sort of like exasperated with all the problems i was having in dating.. but at the time i didn't realize how bad things were getting.. i was just dealing with it and getting more and more upset
sidenote for anyone who is wondering what my issues were.. here are some:
-women choosing men who are worse than me and telling me about it (like when they tell me they are supporting their man or something)
-women not taking the time to get to know me
-asking women out and having them say things like "maybe"
-women not going to dinner with me after we agreed on it (i don't even really understand how u turn down a free dinner)
-women disappearing out of nowhere
-women lying to me
-women trying to come back into my life when they realize being some guy's whore didn't work
-women trying to change or control or manipulate me
-women trying to be sarcastic and not realizing its not funny or entertaining at all
-ugly women calling my phone all day every day
-pretty women never returning my calls
-women having unnecessarily bad attitudes
-realizing many women can't be pleased or impressed or anything.. oftentimes u are just A guy in her life as opposed to THE guy in her life.. nothing you do is seen as significant or impressive, you never get the satisfaction of feeling like you make her happy or fulfilled in any way
it goes on and on
now when everything clicked and i realized instead of continuing this lifestyle, i should just stop dating then it didn't take me long to realize i had actually been set free
i had no idea at the time, but looking back i was trapped in a stronghold of some sort with the dating and looking for women.. but letting go of it has been invigorating
really sitting around and realizing i no longer have to waste my time or money on stupid ungrateful skanks really brings me a happiness that i didn't know existed... i know this may sound hyperbolic but its not.. i really honestly feel like a massive weight has been lifted
i no longer have to react to a woman's beauty or her whimsical desires or anything.. i don't have to bother.. i can take my basketball and go home.. i take the ball and the entire game goes with me
women can stay out there banging men who keep them in the "friends with benefits" stage.. or they can date thugs, or they can date guys who refuse to go to churchor honor the Lord.. lol whatever they do they can go right ahead.. i still want a wife but my main focus is just different now.. i no longer have to get bent out of shape over it all.. i'm over it
its all dead to me
no more wondering why she doesn't call me back, no more being stood up, no more trying to figure her out, no more of any of that.. there are better things to do.. again this may sound like i'm trying to be funny but i'm not
the best way for me to explain how this feels is this song.. click play.. this is how it feels to not be a slave to the dating game anymore (the feel of the song not so much the lyrics)
u see yourself driving in a car with the windows down don't you?
that's how it feels man.. real talk
I FEEL ALIVE... I FEEL LIKE I DON'T GIVE A F*CK ABOUT THESE SKANKS
these women can do whatever they want brah
realizing i was set free was really eye opening because i didn't know i was trapped to begin with, but all those problems and frustrations i was having while looking for a woman in my own power were awful and i truly believe they were a stronghold that i am no longer subject to
there seems to be an uprising of men on youtube who think polygamy is ok... they want to have multiple women and they spend time justifying this... they also justify seducing and banging women for their own pleasure and pride on an individual level.. i don't agree with this- i don't agree with banging a woman then turning around and labeling her a harlot
polygamy is in the bible however that was not God's original plan because the Lord made them one man and one woman.. adam and eve.. He didn't make 3 women for adam or whatever.. adam and eve is God's original plan for marriage.. another good reference is Genesis 24 which is when isaac and rebekah get together
these guys i see on youtube talking about polygamy are crazy to me because they know some scriptures but they have no understanding of them.. and they aren't operating with love
a lot of these guys seem to think sex = marriage.. this is not true, because if sex equaled marriage then fornication would not exist, neither would whoredom.. also the bible says the marriage bed is undefiled.. if sex equaled marriage then all sex would be undefiled
marriage the bible way starts with two believers because you should not be unequally yoked.. so it starts with two believers... then after that there is agreement (to be together), then the physical marriage license- this is obeying the law of the land.. which is the same principle behind why Jesus paid taxes.. ceremony is your choice whether you have it or not... then you have the consummation.. those things equal marriage.. not just sex
sex outside of marriage is fornication and lust
i just wanted to speak on that because these guys are lost
i mean even if polygamy was an ok thing- why would you do that to your "main" ? if you have a good loyal woman and you take away her exclusivity, isn't that like punishing good behavior? like what kind of sense does that make?
well, either way, polygamy is not morally ok.. i just wanted to speak on this one time to put it to rest because there really are a ton of clown guys online sitting around talking about how they should have multiple wives.. its such a joke
i did a paper in college talking about this topic a few years ago and when i said a woman should stay home after having a baby so her man could make money- the teacher (a woman) said my views on women were 'antiquated'
as if they should just have a baby and immediately put it in a daycare somewhere.. so mom can get back to work immediately.... that's so retarded lol.. what can replace a mother's love?
i thought that was the stupidest thing i ever heard.. especially considering the textbook itself basically spoke about what u see in this video below
when women pick up feminism and pride and independence, they are also essentially letting go of a man's protection, guidance, and help.. i'm not against women doing things or having money, i'm just saying keep things in perspective.. at the end of the day i'm still a man and you're still a woman.. once u lose sight of this you are susceptible to what we are seeing today
i'll tell you the "why"
its because women have no one to talk to, they have no male energy around them except for the men who want to bang them and lead them on, they have no ongoing love its all about sexual freedom and no strings attached which leaves women in a perpetual singlehood
feminists irritate me because they fight for sexual freedom but then all it does is cause women harm lol.. say you have a woman who keeps her legs closed from 15 to 25 vs a woman who has been goin ham from 15 to 25.. which one do u think will be doing better? which one will be happier? which one will have more self respect?
also women are taking on more responsibility
if you are 'independent' and you 'don't need a man' then you are mom and dad, you are disciplinarian and nurturer, you are doing everything which is obviously going to be exhausting if not impossible
you were not meant to be everything or do everything you filthy scum feminist skanks
i'm at work so i don't want to be on here long however i wanted to post this because the first and second examples shed a lot of light on some of my previous situations
i listened to this video twice on the way to work today
when i hear him saying the first example, i think that was alicia- she gave me her number but then acted uninterested.. maybe if i knew this information about women playing hard to get before then i would've kept going but i lost interest just like what he talked about in the video
i am 100% that "guy" he described who legit wants a real woman and a real relationship, not a game or a fling or someone who is acting hot and cold
its good to see this because it validates a lot of what i go through and helps me understand why everything feels like a rejection... he is kinda saying its not always a rejection, it just FEELS that way because those are the signals i am receiving.. because to women its them thinking they are holding some kind of value or "not seeming thirsty" but to a guy it really is like a weird mind game women are playing when they are purposely acting like they are on some "take it or leave it" ish with you
i'm going to try and knock out my post about the matriarchy i saw during thanksgiving
i have not wanted to write this because i feel like it will take a long time, but i want to try and knock it out
so a matriarchy is when females rule
during thanksgiving, it seemed like females ruled.. men were outnumbered however i still feel that men should rule and oversee things that happen in the family.. but how can they do this if they aren't there? and how can they hold a position of authority if they have no money, power, dominance, respect?
ok so the first thing i want to touch on is this- how long do you think thanksgiving should be?
well at my house this year it was 6 days long
when it comes to men and women- women tend to be the people pleasers while men tend to be the ones who are more like.. wanting their own space.. and this is what i feel we saw this year.. the women ruled and so there were no boundaries.. not saying this is something that is set in stone, but in general terms- if men set it up, it would not have been a 6 day thing
another thing i saw was how women place a high amount of importance on social gatherings.. my 18yr old cousin told me he wanted to stay home and "stack bread," but his mom made him come to thanksgiving
he said he outside of music and videos and school, he also worked at old navy.. he said they needed people for the holidays but his mom FORCED him to call and tell them he wouldn't be coming in for that whole black friday week.. he said after he called and told them that, they stopped calling him in to work.. so he very well may have lost his job entirely
in a patriarchy, would this have happened? would a man tell his son, "don't go to work even though they need you now more than ever- instead just come see family with us for the holiday" ?
so i was just looking at all this and really thinking about it and seeing the difference between how things would run if men ruled (or were even just equally present) vs how things actually happened
another thing i noticed was the reasons for the matriarchy.. when u ask "why are women running things here?" then you begin to see a lot of things
the main things are i think
A. a lack of men.. none of my aunts or cousins who came are married except one so there were almost no men
B. the men who should be in power aren't <---and the reasons for this are twofold
1. whoever makes money makes rules.. if the man isn't making the money then in some ways he isn't really in the driver's seat.. and even if he is in it- he isn't securely strapped in it the way he should be
2. some men have conceded to feminism and the "wife knows best" mentality.. imo.. i think women have some great input however i also feel that as a man you should never allow your wife to take your place as top decision maker
women can do what they do but it should be within the confines of the boundaries you set as a man
for example, imo a proper setup would've been something like this:
wife - my family wants to come to thanksgiving here this year
husband - ok cool, how long do they want to stay?
wife - 6 days
husband - that's kinda pushin it don't you think?
wife - you're right that's a bit much let me talk to them and try something else
there you can see a man still having some control over how things happen in his house
this is what i think we need more of in society
more structure and discipline.. we need the masculine presence and we need it to be felt
i just feel like things tend to be lopsided these days.. women outnumber men seemingly everywhere you go and when men are around, they aren't occupying positions of power- neither in the family or the workplace
to any man reading this:
its up to us
you may see matriarchies popping up all around you in our society's current climate, but in YOUR world, you should strive to be master of your self and your domain
i told u guys in the new year i want to focus more on the micro as opposed to the macro.. i want to stop looking at the whole and focus more on what is in front of me
i didn't really say why though..
the main reason why is because have you ever heard the saying "you can't see the forest for the trees" ?
i feel like in some instances maybe i am the opposite of that.. i am looking at things as a whole and seeing not seeing the trees for the forest
i am so busy looking at the bigger picture that i don't really see the smaller things sometimes.. its like you can know the decision a person makes
however until you look closer- you can never know why they made that decision
so macro has its advantages such as showing things like patterns and results
but micro also has its advantages such as understanding and fuller objectivity
look at this text message i got from this dude i know from work today
as if it wasn't bad enough that i sent him the link to the song like a week ago and here he is just now responding.. here he is giving me the most retarded "compliment" ever
this guy tells me he likes my line about catching L's and my line about buying swag...
that would be cool and everything.......... IF THEY WERE ACTUALLY LINES!
those were mere ad-libs at the end of the song.. why are you telling me you like my ad-libs? what should i do on my next track? 3 minutes of ad-libs and rap for 10 seconds at the end?
i mean this was so insulting to me to read
i'm sitting here wondering why the hell do i even sit down and try to rhyme words when people have dumbass comments like that?
like what is the point?
i mean what is that about?
it would be like if i showed up at a friend's house with a brand new car fresh from the lot with the sticker still on it and instead of acknowledging the car they say something like "nice haircut" and walk back in the house
and what's crazy is this isn't the only time this has happened.. i've had other people comment on ad-libs as if they were the actual rap, like how the hell do u listen to 3 verses and only remember ad-libs?
it would've been better if he just said nothing at all.. i really don't give a damn if anyone likes my songs or not, they're for me really...
but the crap these people come up with.. smh
dusty faggot, don't ever listen to rap again.. go listen to intrumentals or something, go find silence and critique that
i have SOOO many entries i need to write lol.. i just haven't been in the mood
anyway.. one thing i want to talk about real quick is the new year
someone asked me what my new year resolution is..
i told them my main thing is i basically want to try to be more positive, i don't want to lump things in categories as much as i usually do.. i kinda want to focus in more on myself and my experiences on a personal level
i want to try to be more positive- i kinda wonder if it will just feel hollow or if it will feel like i'm making a substantial shift in my thinking.. who knows.. i just want to see if i can try to be less angry.. i really am disgruntled and ornery in some ways.. if not then hey it is what it is
in 2016 i also want to do whatever i need to do to attract women- which i think is really out of my hands but i still feel like it makes sense to do what i can.. its like going in a job interview, to an extent its out of your hands but you still put your best foot forward
i feel like i have to try and build on my life.. i worked for a long time to get my life to a place of functionality, now i need to work to try and build greater things on top of the foundation.. these greater things happen to be the same things that i think will likely attract affection from the opposite sex
i sometimes wonder what exactly it would take to get a woman's respect. my goal is to follow the hunch.. i always say imperfect action is better than no action.. when it comes to getting a woman's respect, i feel these days it is HARD.. women in general (its not next year yet) are madd disrespectful in their attitudes and mindsets and in the songs they listen to so getting a woman's respect is just freaking difficult to begin with
but that is what i want.. i want a woman to respect me for once and not look down on me or view me like i am some sort of weirdo
knowing i want this will likely lead me to appeal to the more superficial aspects of humanity, but so be it.. i mean, i didn't create the world i just live in it
i sometimes think about the reactions men get when they tell women they live with their parents
then i think about the reactions men get when women find out they are highly successful.. and i want a woman to view me that way.. not so much to feed my ego, but so i can get a freaking woman to maybe like me, respect me, treat me good, and stay with me for once
i was online the other day and i saw some text messages between drake and some woman who is apparently a former stripper.. her name is jhonni blaze.. and when i was reading the texts, i saw how she was basically begging him to spend time with her.. i was just reading it and really saying to myself "i never experience that"
i told u guys on my last song "women like me as much as a creepy gynecologist"
do u think i just said that to be funny?
why wouldn't meagan go out with me? she said her last boyfriend was a trucker.. like what made him worthwhile but not me?
why didn't ciarra treat me like i mattered?
why didn't alicia show me any kind of interest?
why did jennifer rip me a new one?
u see there are men who are female-repellant, such as myself.. and there are men who women can't resist like drake
the men who women like will have their pick
the men who women do not like will be dissed by everyone and they will be left to make angry songs filled with bitter sentiments and sarcasm
the only girl who treated me good this year was melanie
she treated me the way i feel women should treat men.. if i said something flirty she would giggle, she never sat and looked at me with a deadpan stare
if i told her she looked nice she would say thank you and we could have a conversation.. she wouldn't say "i know" and walk off
if i got close to her she would say what's up, she wouldn't say "ngga why are you in my space?"
she would come up to me and give me hugs everyday and treat me like i'm a decent person
she didn't bash me when i told her things about myself that were outside of the norm
i just need to find these things in someone who isn't a lesbo lol
it just seems so rare to find a woman who flirts the way a woman should.. most women are stoic and they act like men.. and sometimes i don't know if its because they hate me or because they really act that way
2016 i'm on a mission.. not to find a woman, but to you know- be the best me possible, be more positive, etc and maybe a woman will inadvertently join the team