i've noticed i tend to be considerably more depressed on the weekends than i am during the week
i'm lonely on the weekend lately i keep trying to get girls to hang out with me but they always make up excuses so i guess i just don't have whatever keeps girls in your life the funny thing about my life is i met a girl i liked not too long ago but i found out she had herpes so i felt like the joke was on me because its like.. A. i like a girl and she doesn't like me back B. a girl likes me but i don't like her C. or we will get along...... but she will have an std either way, i'm alone i see how much happiness is like muted in real life, like u will get one thing but something else will elude you anyway.. i tend to think women are wildly apathetic.. like what and/or who do they care about? the only time i see women excited about men is when they're on tv singing or dancing.. like this new girl at my job for example.. she was talking about how she likes this guy who won american idol.. i'm thinking.. isn't that a stupid fantasy? oh yeah, and she said she likes adam levine because "he's hot" smh.. that's fine u know.. i'm not knocking your taste but my thing is .. why don't girls ever like regular guys? what makes a regular guy so bad? why is it that i have to be shaking hands with the president before you will actually text me back like the girl at my job is fat and she is on anti-depressants.. i personally think she is pretty but she only likes guys on tv.. but the guys on tv wouldn't touch her fat-ass with a 10 ft pole lol anyway.. i've been apartment hunting.. i have to admit, i don't really like doing it but hey.. i'm rollin with the punches here i find it somewhat amazing that people can afford some of these places.. i say that because when i was looking for work it was hard enough just to find something over $10/hr let alone the amount it would actually take to get one of these places i don't know how people can afford so much.. i mean i can see if people are living together and pooling their resources, but if they are alone.. i don't get it.. when i was looking for work a few months ago, there weren't really any high paying jobs out there i finally got a gym membership.. i'm thankful for that.. its going well so far.. i can tell i'm out of shape but still.. so far so good i have no idea what is going on with ciarra.. she just will not lift a finger to talk to me at all.. i've never felt so unimportant to someone in my entire life.. i feel like she doesn't like me but then a part of me is like.. well if she doesn't like me why does she still answer when i call? i like her but i don't like how she makes me feel like i have no value to her ... like there are so many mixed messages i'm getting from her i even started looking for more women to talk to and in the process i met another girl who is also currently ignoring me lol i guess i am just a worthless human being or maybe i'm just not bad boy enough for these women women say they don't want a guy to just bang them and leave them but (and i'm being dead honest here) MAYBE THEY DO they don't want to bother with me, that guy who wants to date and maybe have it lead somewhere.. i'm boring i guess anyway.. i've noticed my life is like building itself very slowly its like REALLY slow but at least its going forward instead of backwards when i look at what i don't have, i look RIDICULOUS as a human being but when i look at what i do have, i am not doing so bad anyway.. back to the apartments, for the most part the ones i've seen are ok but some of them smell funny.. when you're looking for a place to live, a nice smell and a fresh blast of air conditioning goes a LONG way some of these apartment managers need to invest money in some incense or something smh i don't want to hand over hundreds of dollars every month to live in a place that smells like feet the electronic entertainment expo shows this year were pretty good.. a lot of people think the shows sucked, i disagree, i think they were pretty good, you just have to appreciate what's there i actually kinda want a wii u now.. i never thought i'd say that- but that captain toad game looks amazing to me lol my job must suck or something because it seems like everyone is leaving.. i haven't even been at my job long and let's see... 3 people left and one is leaving this month one thing i've noticed at work is i don't trust people.. i never really realized how little i trust people until recently i guess.. in the back of my mind i always feel like once i become "happy" or "jovial" or "comfortable" then someone will use it against me somehow i don't exactly know where i got this belief from.. i don't know if its from past work experiences, past experiences with friends, or things that happened at home in my childhood i remember when i was a kid i started to pick up on the fact that happiness was always destroyed.. i remember certain things i did seemed to attract a sort of negative attention from my dad, it could be something as small as wearing a backwards hat.. this is one of the main things people without dads don't understand dads can be mean, controlling, and they are good at shaming you.. if you never had that overarching authoritative figure in your life, in some ways you are better off don't get me wrong, in some ways u are worse off.. but in some ways you are just not as like.... inhibited.. you don't have as many memories of being dissed or hit in the back of the head or embarrassed in front of everyone you know looking back i always sort of hated my lifestyle where i never could predict the next moment where i'd be humiliated
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December 2014
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