as of today, i officially give up on women
literally.. i am done i just flat out give up, i'm tired of the games i want a woman but i'm just not putting anymore effort into it its just a constant struggle and i'm done with it on any given day there are multiple things i want to do: exercise, make a song, read the bible, do something fun with a girl now its exercise, make a song, read the bible, play a video game its a fairly easy change to make I'M DONE
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i've noticed i tend to be considerably more depressed on the weekends than i am during the week
i'm lonely on the weekend lately i keep trying to get girls to hang out with me but they always make up excuses so i guess i just don't have whatever keeps girls in your life the funny thing about my life is i met a girl i liked not too long ago but i found out she had herpes so i felt like the joke was on me because its like.. A. i like a girl and she doesn't like me back B. a girl likes me but i don't like her C. or we will get along...... but she will have an std either way, i'm alone i see how much happiness is like muted in real life, like u will get one thing but something else will elude you anyway.. i tend to think women are wildly apathetic.. like what and/or who do they care about? the only time i see women excited about men is when they're on tv singing or dancing.. like this new girl at my job for example.. she was talking about how she likes this guy who won american idol.. i'm thinking.. isn't that a stupid fantasy? oh yeah, and she said she likes adam levine because "he's hot" smh.. that's fine u know.. i'm not knocking your taste but my thing is .. why don't girls ever like regular guys? what makes a regular guy so bad? why is it that i have to be shaking hands with the president before you will actually text me back like the girl at my job is fat and she is on anti-depressants.. i personally think she is pretty but she only likes guys on tv.. but the guys on tv wouldn't touch her fat-ass with a 10 ft pole lol anyway.. i've been apartment hunting.. i have to admit, i don't really like doing it but hey.. i'm rollin with the punches here i find it somewhat amazing that people can afford some of these places.. i say that because when i was looking for work it was hard enough just to find something over $10/hr let alone the amount it would actually take to get one of these places i don't know how people can afford so much.. i mean i can see if people are living together and pooling their resources, but if they are alone.. i don't get it.. when i was looking for work a few months ago, there weren't really any high paying jobs out there i finally got a gym membership.. i'm thankful for that.. its going well so far.. i can tell i'm out of shape but still.. so far so good i have no idea what is going on with ciarra.. she just will not lift a finger to talk to me at all.. i've never felt so unimportant to someone in my entire life.. i feel like she doesn't like me but then a part of me is like.. well if she doesn't like me why does she still answer when i call? i like her but i don't like how she makes me feel like i have no value to her ... like there are so many mixed messages i'm getting from her i even started looking for more women to talk to and in the process i met another girl who is also currently ignoring me lol i guess i am just a worthless human being or maybe i'm just not bad boy enough for these women women say they don't want a guy to just bang them and leave them but (and i'm being dead honest here) MAYBE THEY DO they don't want to bother with me, that guy who wants to date and maybe have it lead somewhere.. i'm boring i guess anyway.. i've noticed my life is like building itself very slowly its like REALLY slow but at least its going forward instead of backwards when i look at what i don't have, i look RIDICULOUS as a human being but when i look at what i do have, i am not doing so bad anyway.. back to the apartments, for the most part the ones i've seen are ok but some of them smell funny.. when you're looking for a place to live, a nice smell and a fresh blast of air conditioning goes a LONG way some of these apartment managers need to invest money in some incense or something smh i don't want to hand over hundreds of dollars every month to live in a place that smells like feet the electronic entertainment expo shows this year were pretty good.. a lot of people think the shows sucked, i disagree, i think they were pretty good, you just have to appreciate what's there i actually kinda want a wii u now.. i never thought i'd say that- but that captain toad game looks amazing to me lol my job must suck or something because it seems like everyone is leaving.. i haven't even been at my job long and let's see... 3 people left and one is leaving this month one thing i've noticed at work is i don't trust people.. i never really realized how little i trust people until recently i guess.. in the back of my mind i always feel like once i become "happy" or "jovial" or "comfortable" then someone will use it against me somehow i don't exactly know where i got this belief from.. i don't know if its from past work experiences, past experiences with friends, or things that happened at home in my childhood i remember when i was a kid i started to pick up on the fact that happiness was always destroyed.. i remember certain things i did seemed to attract a sort of negative attention from my dad, it could be something as small as wearing a backwards hat.. this is one of the main things people without dads don't understand dads can be mean, controlling, and they are good at shaming you.. if you never had that overarching authoritative figure in your life, in some ways you are better off don't get me wrong, in some ways u are worse off.. but in some ways you are just not as like.... inhibited.. you don't have as many memories of being dissed or hit in the back of the head or embarrassed in front of everyone you know looking back i always sort of hated my lifestyle where i never could predict the next moment where i'd be humiliated i've noticed when i start to feel feelings of love for a girl one thing that happens is i start to develop a new appreciation for her skin tone
does anyone else experience this? skin tone is something that becomes like a new "desire" i start to become fixated on her skin tone its like it becomes and acquired taste or something.. if i start to like a girl with blue skin then i always look for other girls with blue skin subconsciously another thing is if i begin to associate a girl with comfort, that is a fast way for me to get hooked on her do girls know this? hmm......... yeah i'd actually say.. to any women reading this.. if you want a guy to fall in love with you- try to represent comfort to him it will probably not work if he thinks you're under a 5 out of 10.. but if he thinks you're decent, that will bring you up a lot of notches.. like if you're a 6.5.. with some real dedication to comforting him you can and/or will become a 8.5, 9.. maybe even 9.5 one girl i know actually said i was "normal" which meant a lot to me because most people say i'm too opinionated or too quiet or too weird or awkward or whatever.. hearing her say i was normal was like extremely comforting to me.. i literally have never heard that from anyone else in my entire life what feelings do women need to feel to start to develop feelings for a guy? hmm... one thing i keep thinking about lately is how we can enhance certain things in our lives such as faith and hope
the bible tends to say things like faith, hope, love, and wisdom are very important the things i think i have problems with mostly are faith and hope this (i think) is what leads me to feel depression.. a lack of hope how can a person increase their faith and hope? i have been thinking about this.. when other people see brick walls, if you can be the person to see a brick ROAD.. then you can be great, you can reach great heights what is step one to rerouting all negative thoughts? does anyone have any suggestions? ok lets go into the double standards
we need to look at them correctly.. double standards are here for a reason.. people always say "why is it ok for men to be hoes but not women?" but lets look at a double standard for men.. unemployed married woman = trohpy wife.. unemployed married man = BUM lets be real, double standards are not a one-way street.. they are there because we all have expectations placed upon us due to gender and age.. they represent proper behavior for whatever category we fall into should women be hoes? NO should men be bums? NO and you could say the same for both genders, but the honest truth is female bums are not as bad as male bums and male hoes are not as bad as female hoes, because of the dynamics in place there are also double standards for age groups a 6 yr old boy plays with action figures and video games all day.. fine a 36 yr old man plays with action figures and video games all day.. not fine its a double standard but its proper is it not? double standards are here to bring out the best for each alotted category of person.. male, female, age groups, etc etc. NOW with that said, let me explain why its better for men to cheat than women.. i'm not saying its ok for men to cheat.. i'm saying, its better if its a man than if its a woman reason #1. women are hurt less by cheating. women say weird things when they are cheated on that men would never say .. like a woman would say something like "oh did it feel good?" "was it good to you?" a man would never say that to a woman who cheated on him because any "yes" type of reply would crush him i even personally had a girl ask me: "did any other girls kiss you as good as me?" i couldn't believe she asked me that because i would never ask her that because anything remotely resembling a "yes" would be too much for me.. as a man, i couldn't believe she asked me that, but that's what i'm saying.. its a woman thing.. they handle cheating differently than men do reason #2. when women cheat it seems to be like more than just a physical thing.. its like one of two things A. her main guy is failing at something.. or B. the guy she is with is better at something men on the other hand, can have the perfect girl at home and still cheat! we can know in our hearts that the girl is 100% for us in every way but we still want to try out another girl "just because" i mean she can be considerably uglier and more ratchet than our current girl, but we will still cheat with her.. so my point is this: when a girl cheats its more like a reflection of her main guy's drawbacks but when a guy cheats a guy might've just wanted to try ratchet booty .. it doesn't reflect his main girl's drawbacks.. so its less of an ego blow to the main spouse when guys cheat, than when girls cheat reason #3. this is the reason no one can fight me on my sister cheated on her husband.. and one day i was talking to her about it and in reflection when everything was all said and done she said: "i cheated, and i wish it had been done to me instead of me doing it to him" i can't remember, but she might've been crying when she said that so u have to understand.. i'm not just talking out of my @ss.. women are not built to handle guilt and shame and stuff the same way men are if a man does wrong, he can get on his knees and say he's sorry and take his girl out to dinner and just be like "babe i messed up" but when u flip it around.. women aren't built to handle that space the same way a man is.. women are supposed to be a man's "prize" so when the prize brings shame.. its a totally diff thing she sees a lot of her value in how her man sees her.. so if he sees her as dirty whore scum.. guess what.. its hard to come back from that.. women can't handle that position the same way a man can.. we men can be guilty and apologize and get cussed out and still be ok.. i'm actually even reminded of a song by incubus brandon boyd wrote: "say what you will, say what you mean.. you could never offend- your dirty words come out clean" .. "let your frustrations out in four-letter words" etc etc however if you flip that, and a man cusses his girl out and straight tells her about herself (the way you'd do if you've just been cheated on) she's going to be distraught and f*cked up and people are going to say he's verbally abusing her the dynamic is just way different conclusion: i think i can come up with other reasons, but i want to stop writing lol.. but what i want to say is the dynamics are what make cheating worse for women than for men I DO NOT CONDONE MEN CHEATING ON WOMEN i am just saying, when its all said and done.. there's more harm done (for both sides) when women cheat on good men than when men cheat on good women these are my free-flowing thoughts on approaching women and deciphering/over-analyzing attraction for today:
when i see pretty girls i always say to myself.. "a million guys probably talk to her i probably have no chance" do u guys think this is true or false? i mean.. are women hit on as much as i think they are? and if/when they are.. are the guys all decent enough? am i as powerless as i think i am? or do i have more pull than i realize? sometimes i talk to girls and i say "it seems like u get approached all the time" and normally they will say "yeah but that doesn't mean i want every guy who approaches me" bums approach women a lot apparently.. i think that is likely because they have nothing to lose this is the same reason why married men approach women also.. if u turn them down they still have a woman at the end of the day.. they've lost nothing recently i heard two females say the number of men approaching them doesn't matter.. is this true? to me.. as a man, seeing a woman get approached a lot makes me feel less secure with her.. but women have been telling me that women don't think that way.. they were telling me that's the way men think they were saying men with a lot of women approaching them have a hard time committing, but women are wired differently.. like options to a man is a prideful thing like- "I GOT OPTIONS!" but options to a woman is like "the options are what prove my love and commitment, if i didn't have options then my love would be out of necessity as opposed to choice" in the midst of all this speculation, i watched the breakfast club interview with ne-yo and he is the one who actually wrote beyonce's "irreplaceable" (for himself) which at first sounds kinda gay, but after thinking about it more.. the song actually DOES seem to make more sense to the way a man thinks.. we think "i have options, i can have another you in a minute" women seem to almost find the plethora of options to be frustrating probably because of the dynamics of finding love.. man being lovER and woman being lovEE... something about that dynamic makes options difficult for a woman to an extent.. maybe it has something to do with the fact that women know a lot of guys could be lying and acting like they love her just to get booty.. and going through 5, 6, 7, or 8 fake guys to get to one genuine one might be seriously tiresome it seems to be like this: we men see options and we say to our main girl "you're skatin on thin ice" women see options and say to their main guy "the fact that i'm ignoring them should show you the solid foundation you're walking on with me" another thing i was thinking about is.. (going back to "am i as powerless as i think i am") ... are ANY OF US as powerless as we feel? for example.. my sister told me her son who was like probably 4 at the time, called her fat and she cried lol.. i doubt if a 4 yr old feels like they can have an impact on an adult's emotions.. but apparently he did on that day also.. sometimes my mom still tells me about how i used to say to her "mommy why do you always make nasty food?" and she tells me it used to wear her out lol.. but i really never understood that i had power to affect her so maybe, expressing my attraction to a girl will have more of an impact than i think it will.. maybe they will actually be receptive sometimes i don't even try AT ALL because of certain factors, like "oh she likes guys who look like this" or "oh she likes guys who act like this" or "oh she's taller than me" or "she has 50 college degrees" maybe they will still give me a shot despite these things? maybe i have more power than i realize? maybe they are not being approached by the right types of guys? maybe they aren't being approached at all? maybe i am their type and they don't care about other guys? maybe my lack of swag is a swag in itself? hmm...... i thought about it and i think its safe to say mike skinner (the streets) is my personal fave rapper of all time check out his blog if you get a chance.. i like him for a lot of reasons one that isn't obvious is how he has helped so many other artists.. he used to put out big songs and then when they would get big he'd do a remix featuring other artists.. giving them light.. honestly that is one of my biggest reasons i like him.. it is an odd reason but its in addition to every other reason you should like an artist but yeah his unselfishness is really inspiring to me because i've seen a lot of artists just get big and sort of shoo everyone else away, but he gave people shine and opportunities also the angle he takes when he raps is always left of center +++++++++++++ other than the obvious jessica rabbit, luanne is the hottest cartoon girl ever her voice is hott, and her lack of knowledge about life is also i think most guys like girls who are kinda air-headed or gullible.. we are the opposite of women.. women want the smartest, most aware, most worldly guy they can find.. but us guys don't really seek those things in women when i was young, i used to really like pj's mom on goof troop.. she was really hott for some reason.. i know she wasn't human, but just a few alterations and she is basically perfect i don't have a picture of her body here, but i remember it being amazing.. she had real hips and everything
++++++++++ this woman named ayami kojima makes amazing art, google her one day.. astonishing work i want to say two things.. they have no real point, i'm just getting my thoughts off my chest.. read or skip
ONE as much as i get on my website and talk about people, i don't think i am perfect i tend to think i am a jerk to people.. i never feel like i'm being a good person really.. i always feel like i'm being mean to people.. even when i know i'm being nice i still feel like i'm doing something wrong, like maybe i'm being nice in an awkward way i am not sure if this is a true assessment of myself or if i have a serious problem with negative self-talk all i ever really think about in my life is my own embarrassments and mistakes and drawbacks.. i'm talking about whenever i am alone with my thoughts.. all i ever see in my head is mean things i've done, ways i've hurt people, and bad decisions i've made, and negative things about my character and/or where i am in life in a sense i feel like i have a very low self worth.. i feel like i have no reason to feel any other way sometimes my thoughts about myself seem to be solidified when another person just up and stops talking to me.. it sort of solidifies my thought that i have no real value to anyone and i don't matter this stuff may sound depressing but more often than not i ignore these things and just live life.. i ignore a lot of things i even said this in a song i did called '5 minutes' where i said: "unbreakable, i won't shatter/ priorities? ignorin things that don't matter/" TWO i find it odd that many of us live as if there is no hell but if something happened and someone told you that when you die it is certain that you will go to hell, that would be the literal end of your life all of your life's enjoyment would be marred by the fact that you will be tortured forever as soon as you die i've thought about it and realized that someone telling you that you have no chance of going to heaven is the literal worst belief a person can have.. its worse than everything (take a second to think about that.. imagine what it would feel like.. it is a severely depressing thought but it helps you to keep things in perspective as far as being thankful and appreciative that you still have a chance at heaven) but even with the importance of securing an afterlife, a lot of us still sort of pay it no attention none of us can control where our souls go.. if we could i'm sure we would've opted to be born into rich families, but no.. we have no choice on what region, time, family, or body our soul was inserted into i heard someone once say to an audience "i bet you think you'll go to heaven when you die" i thought about this a lot and realized this is probably way more true than we can immediately comprehend i thought about all the people who died without warning, and all the people who were "just having fun" living in sin, who just died and never got a chance to repent literally ALL THEY WANT in hell is a second chance.. they are screaming day and night begging for a second chance to come back and put the stolen money back.. begging for a chance to be faithful to their wives and husbands again.. begging for a chance to come back and listen to God as opposed to the tv someone recently said this "women are highly rebellious"
i kept thinking about that and i decided they were right on think about it look at gender roles they say to men: "be a gentleman" "open doors for women" "pay for dates" "sacrifice your health and well-being to provide for your wife" "don't hit women" men generally say "ok" but when you look at women's gender roles, women don't say "ok" "don't be a hoe" - why not? that's a double standard! "don't kill your baby" - ITS MY BODY! "be ladylike" - I'M LOUD AND PROUD! "stroke your man's ego" - i tell my man how small his penis is and attack his pride "don't be a gossip" - constant whispering (which is an everyday thing at my job) etc. etc. women haven't always been this way, but in 2014, women are highly rebellious.. they don't try to be good women to men, they just sort of want what they want but they don't want to BE who they should be i mean, i love women, but a lot of you would be better off if you'd stop being so rebellious and hard headed last night i was talking to a girl and i said "i didn't think you would ride a motorcycle" and she said "hearing people say things like that just makes me want to ride them more" and i'm not saying there's anything wrong with her wanting to ride a motorcycle.. but what i'm saying is that seems to really encapsulate how women think they like to do the opposite of what people think they should do what is the point they are trying to prove? we all know you have free will, that is something we all have.. we get that you can make whatever decision you want to make, we just hope that you will make good, sound, respectable, wise ones that pertain to your age and gender we hope that you will be good and receive good.. good is not a one way street.. but neither is bad, so if u want to just be generally rebellious.. then understand when you put out bad, you may also receive it |
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the new retro Archives
December 2014
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