what's up peeps
i don't know what i'm going to say at all right now but lets see what happens.
i've been really tired of everyone lately.. i really want to go all out and blaze everyone but i feel like i should try to muzzle my sentiments a bit.. so instead i will just say that most people i have in my life have been irritating me
are they irritating me or am i irritable? are they making me upset or do i just hate everyone because i hate myself?
and there's another issue i've been dealing with
this whole self hatred thing.. i look at myself and feel like i don't measure up to even my own standards
the main thing that has been bothering me as of late is my lack of any skill with women.. i just cannot get a girl for anything
i went out with a girl the other night.. she was way fatter in person than she was on her pictures and even she turned me down! .. she said something about how she could tell i didn't have any tattoos without even asking me.. i deduced that she didn't like that
i sometimes just feel like i can't catch a break when it comes to women.. i mean wow i just feel like a failure.. this causes me to dislike myself sometimes.. not from a superficial standpoint, but from my heart.. like i'll be standing on an elevator and i'll think "wow man i hate myself" .. its just a thought that comes, and subconsciously i know i want to prove it wrong.. but i can't
if the thought comes and says "you're a loser because no girl will ever want you" what the f*ck am i going to say back to the thought? "you're wrong" ????
i have nothing lined up.. no girls, nothing..
some girls have been interested in me but man.. the last girl that liked me had four kids.. and was also divorced twice.. my point in telling you that was to point out that generally the girls who like me aren't the women you want to really be with
i DO appreciate that women with kids like me though.. i appreciate it because it kinda tells me that i give off a more husband-y type vibe
anyway.. please wish me luck on getting a woman in my life.. scratch that.. PRAY that i get a woman.. scratch that.. FAST AND PRAY
anyway.. u guys take it easy hopefully i'll be back on here saying more soon
people ask what’s problematic
always feel like i can’t stop my habits
life seems fake like its all a pageant
voices in my head i can’t stop the racket
and that’s why i’m not sleepin well
but don’t spotlight me and my need for help
honestly, i don’t even wanna see myself
let me stay inside, i won’t leave my shell
i feel pain or i’m numb, i’m stuck in a daze
try to make progress- i’m runnin in place
so why wake up when it’s just a big waste?
and daylight feels like a punch in the face
reach for success, to live high on the top
whether i like it or not, when i try its a flop
they think i’m alright but i’m not.
and people don’t understand so i’m writin a lot.
I haven’t been talking much because I haven’t been able to
I’m in one of those periods where its like “who am I” ?
Who am I includes
What should I be striving for, what will make me happy, who do I want to be around
Its gotten so bad that I really don’t even know what music I like anymore
Its like my brain is just empty waiting to be rebuilt or something
If complete surety in life is at “10” .. I’m at “0”
this is about nothing in particular.. just coming through to say hi and talk about a few random things
i ordered this from amazon and it came today!!!
i barely buy dvds, i seriously only have 4 of them.. but i found this gem in a weird way
i was looking at something on youtube the other day and i clicked on a video of this show on accident or something, i normally would stop it but i was doing something else
so after a few minutes of kinda listening to it i was like wow this is an interesting show! the writing is really good and i was legit cracking up on some parts, so i bought it pretty much instantly
i got the whole series for a good price.. anyway, peep it out on youtube if interested.. its hilarious
i was thinking recently about my interactions with girls and i wonder if they know i won't die if they turn me down
i want a girl or whatever but honestly it doesn't bother me to be rejected anymore.. it has happened so many times that it doesn't affect me
not only has it happened a lot, it has also happened in humiliating ways or also sometimes in ways that cut me and caused real heartache
i'm not saying i'm completely numb and indifferent to life, what i'm saying is you'd have to have a piece of my heart to really get a rise out of me, other than that u can exit out of my life and i really genuinely will not care
i've even said this in a song before
"my heart's not cold i'm just seasoned/
so if u leave- it's something i'll deal with/"
so with all that said i wonder if i appear sad or pitiful to women.. do they fear they will hurt my feelings? do i look vulnerable and lonely or fragile?
i wonder if this is the case.. do women fear they might shatter my little heart if they tell me the truth?
i really started thinking about this.. like how do i look to people?
do people think i'm sad and depressed?
i am really very blessed.. do i show this enough? do i only put the bad out? i kinda think i do only do that but that's not because there is no 'good' .. i do it because i like to appear down to earth and relateable.
i hate pretention and pride so i am always talking about things that are depressing or irritating, but its not really who i am as a person.. i'm not always pissed off or unhappy.. but it might be the first layer you see when you meet me or say if you listen to one of my songs.. you'll hear me highlighting the negative because to me that is oftentimes what gives a song meaning or substance.. i can't really relate to the whole "rhyme party with bacardi" and talk about ice and fame and money crap.. but that doesn't mean i'm sad and depressed
i am happy about a lot of things- some are material, and some are personal development type things:
-i have all the electronics i want (ps3, imac, hdtv, studio monitors, mic, etc)
-i have a car thats paid for and runs perfectly
-i have the highest paying job i've ever had
-i am thankful to have a good/fun talent with writing
-i have a good church
-no girl drama in my life at the moment
-i ordered a dvd i wanted off of amazon the other day (will talk about this later)
-i have a lot of faith
-i legitimately don't care what people think
honestly i'm not really depressed or angry all the time.. i'm super blessed.. i am doing good
i just wanted to put this out there
i am very like demure and neurotic which probably make me appear weak and unhappy but i'm really a lot stronger and more stable than people seem to understand
just wanted to speak on that because people seem to try to handle me with kid gloves.. lol i can take the truth
i can't believe i missed this ted talk with matt mahaffey HERE IN NASHVILLE
matt mahaffey is one of my favorite artists of all time and also one of the most underrated artists of all time.. he gets a lot of recognition via tv productions however his actual music is largely overlooked
honestly his album called subliminal plastic motives is straight crack on rye (also check out gizmodgery if interested)
anyway.. this is not the best talk but his point is legit
this entry might get deleted cuz its gross, i just want to get these thought off my chest or watever
Ok.. so u might remember me talking about the woman at my job who smokes and sounds ridiculous
Ok so she has actually gotten worse somehow
I don’t know what order to put these in.. but
Exhibit a. I looked at her hand and she has warts.
Exhibit b. she doesn’t go on a lunch break.. meaning she doesn’t LEAVE to eat lunch.. this is highly disrespectful imo because we work in a room.. no windows open, and the door is closed
So I was working a few days ago and all of a sudden I caught a wiff of something foul
SHE EATS COLD PEPPERONI.
I looked over and she literally had a package of pepperoni slices and that was her lunch.. I was so grossed out
It reminds me of ghostworld when steve buscemi walked in and enid was like “THAT GUY JUST ORDERED A GLASS OF MILK! WHO GOES TO A RESTAURANT TO ORDER A GLASS OF MILK!?”
Its just so gross and weird I can’t even stand it
Yesterday I caught another wiff and I looked over and she had baloney or bologna or however u spell it
She just had it in a bag and she pulled it out and started eating it.. like there’s a taco bell and a mcdonalds across the street but she’s torturing my nose and my brain by eating cold baloney slices out of a bag..
at least leave the room.. when i have hot food i eat it outside of the room.. i only have things like fruit snacks in the room
This one is a doosey.
Her vagina stinks
Ok.. before I get into this, I have to tell u guys, I told someone about this and this conversation happened:
Them: “u don’t know its her vagina”
Me: “umm.. yeah I do.”
Them: “no u don’t”
Me: “ok.. if someone walks by you and their armpits stink YOU KNOW ITS THEIR ARMPITS”
*at this point they started to laugh*
them: “armpits have a specific smell though”
me: giving off the vibe like.. “umm.. yeah, do we really need to go there? Or are you ready to listen”
they got the memo.
I kno I’m not living like a jersey shore guy but I know what I know
So the woman at my job got up to walk out and I got a wiff..
I look up and I’m like.. WAAAAIT a minute..
So later one or two more times this happens and each time it coincides with her getting up out of her seat
I even looked under the desk because I thought for it to be that strong she’d have to be wearing shorts or something and sure enough, when I looked I saw her bare legs
Now.. THAT IS GROSS
This woman is old. Fat. She smokes. She has warts. She coughs 24 hours a day. She sounds like a hoarse man when she talks. She eats cold meat for lunch. And to top it off her vagina stinks
i don't know if i should feel sorry for her or if she is just a person with gross habits.. the smoking makes me think.. its the latter.. all i know is I’ve never been so repulsed by someone before
anyway, i just wanted to get that off my chest
I have been trying so hard not to say something.. her cough is the worst part of it all.. it is just so.... let me explain it
ok say you worked in an office and someone loudly burped 40 times a day
that's what her coughing is like to me.. its not a normal cough its just so disgusting an loud
A girl in the room we work in already got sick because of this woman’s incessant coughing marathons.. I gave the poor girl a health drink lol
I’m trying my best to not say anything because I know how politically correct these environments can be..
i mainly want to tell her to be more considerate of others, like do something about your cough or stay home til u can stop making people sick.. and stop eating cold salami in the room.. i probably could never bring myself to mention her vagina tho
but I figure, hey someone got sick so maybe someone ELSE will say something about this woman’s grossness
Til then.. I just turn up my mp3 player to level bonkers and breathe out of my mouth
shifting from college to the workplace, i have noticed there are a lot of smokers out there
smoking is seriously disgusting
at the job i'm at now, we can listen to headphones while we work..
the other day i heard what LITERALLY sounded like a demon whispering
i was looking around like.. man, what is that!?
i finally realized it was this woman singing to a song she was listening to
her voice is just utterly gross from all that smoking she has done her whole life
its bad enough she sounds like patty and selma from the simpsons when she talks
but when she "sings" she seriously sounds like a demon.. how pleasant
it is so gross!!!!!!
and she is constantly coughing
and i have to talk about this.. you smokers need to get that coughing bullsh*t under control
when i'm sitting in an office and i have to hear you coughing all day everyday and you're not sick..
THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT
i really just wish i could toss that woman out the window.. her smoking affects all of us in there.. she goes on break and comes back smelling like the back of my nuts
she coughs all day so loud it startles me..
and another thing.. the actual sound of it makes me want to projectile vomit.
see, smokers never cough like normal people.. no.. when they cough i can hear all kinds of snot and phlegm and bile all in the mix.. its never like one little cough.. its like it always turns into a big medley of different repulsive sounds for like 20 seconds!
you never want to make smokers laugh or anything because they start laughing then they start coughing and the coughing always gets bigger and louder and more gross than anyone wants it to be.. they cough until their smile becomes a concerned look.. and you (the person who cracked the joke) has to sit there and watch them hack until they stop
umm, yeah.. i'd much rather watch u LAUGH then cough and hack and snort like a f*cking jackass
and the last thing i have to say is this
you smokers are ruining your immune systems.. you guys get sick easier and you're weaker and more vulnerable to health issues, and you all bring this stuff to the workplace.. i know because when i sit in there with smokers all day i feel my breath getting lighter.. a lot of times i can feel myself catching a cold just being near smokers all day
when i feel this, i go out and buy a healthy drink after work just to stay afloat
i don't even go to concerts anymore because of smokers because when i went to see atmosphere in 2008, smokers were breathing that garbage into my ears (indoor venue).. i am not kidding my whole face swelled up to where i couldn't even eat and i had to go to the clinic to get an antibiotic
all because smokers and were blowing all that air into my ear canal and free radicals and germs just set up shop in the left side of my face
some moron said "maybe it wasn't the smokers" .. ok.. LET ME BLOW SMOKE WITH TAR, ARSENIC, AND TABACCO INTO YOUR EARS ALL NIGHT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU, YOU IDIOT
this deserves a mention..
i HATE captchas
these things should only be mildly annoying but when i see them i just immediately want to punch someone in the face
it seems like i can never get it on the first try either.. i always look at the letters and i'm squinting trying to figure out if thats an i or an l or whatever.. next thing i know i'm on my 4th try or something
i'm like 40 something hours into ni no kuni
here's a short clip i made to show a neat part in the game
as u can see the game is really creative
they should make a sequel but i think it should be less like an rpg and more like a zelda game
recently i was talking to elise and she said she likes a country song.. so i listened to it and its by that black guy from hootie and the blowfish
in the song he's saying "rock me like a wagon wheel"
i told her the song was kinda raunchy and she didn't know what i meant...
ok.. do people even know that "rock and roll" is old time slang for sex?
i was like.. "what did you think he was talking about?"
she was like "i don't know"
this really made me see how non perceptive people are when it comes to music
like for example.. remember that song by jerry lee louis "great balls of fire" ?
i don't think people realize he was singing about hell lol
a lot of messages in songs go over peoples heads basically
i've been watching "my name is earl" and i'm still enjoying it
this one episode i watched was really good at the end because he said something that resonated with me
he said "just because i saw a pretty girl doesn't mean i deserve one yet"
then right after he said this he got a letter in the mail from the girl he wanted and it said "remember what ur working for" (basically saying she'll still be there when he gets his life together)
that was so legit to me
that's kinda how i see myself.. like working towards a goal of being "good enough" for a girl and hoping one will still be there when i'm finally ready
i know that girls can be there one day and the next day be engaged- so any confirmation that a girl is going to still be there once you've created a good enough foundation is a welcome thing
because this thought is not exactly the most comforting thing in the world
unfortunately, you may have to add "and having kids or abortions or getting turned out" in 2013 lol
"they shoulda never gave you nggas money!" LOL
i'm out peeps.