so today i went to take the exit exam for undergrad
i sat in the back of the class and counted....... including myself, there were 4 male students taking the test there were 23 female students taking it i am at a loss for words.. scratch that.. i'm not at a loss for words, its just that i have SO MUCH to say about this that i'm not even going to get into it because i'll be typing for 3 hours so i'll just say this: our society is failing when it comes to males these days treatment of males? abysmal male value? held at zero societal interest in the male plight? negative 10 support of males? (programs, male specific health care, charity, or even just basic encouragement) NONEXISTENT i'm not going to let this stress me out.. i'll leave on this note 23 girls... 4 guys what will it be 20 yrs from now? again, i have a LOT i can say but i'm just in 'smh' mode too much to even go there right now this entry might possibly be deleted soon, its just me reflecting a bit back around 05 and 06 i used to sometimes make beats simply to express emotion on style by fire i made this beat which was a good mix of emotion and rhythm.. kinda like 50% emotion and 50% just me trying to make something that sounds decent i put it on the album by itself as an instrumental when i listen back to style by fire sometimes, i hear mistakes and things i should've said or done differently
but this beat pretty much remains good imo (sidenote: i didn't use any samples on that album.. it's all from scratch) i think the thing that makes this beat work for me is the fact that it accomplished the goal i had for it well- and to a point where it tends to always bring me back to that place (emotionally) see back when i was making style by fire i was really sad inside.. i was young.. i was something like 21 so i should've been really happy and experiencing new things but i flunked out of school, had no idea what to do, i was working at a video store, my girl left me, my heart was utterly shattered, i looked so good on the outside but felt like i was dead at every moment of life well.. see.. this instrumental was made to reflect my stasis at the time.. how i couldn't do anything.. i just watched life go by for a while in a state of stoic emotional shock.. the overwhelming feeling at the time was EMPTINESS (with a nice helping of worthlessness on the side) when i hear this beat, i hear that emptiness.. i see myself just sitting looking out the window not saying anything i see people talking to me and expecting me to be "james" when i didn't have the energy to be anything.. not even myself that was the absolute worst time of my life and i have this beat as a remnant Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.”
Genesis 2:18 i read in a textbook from school that writers usually feel more deeply than most people
i think i agree i just get in these zones sometimes where i feel overwhelmed with emotion and i don't know what to do, say, or think it takes me a while sometimes to process emotion as much as i hate homework sometimes it feels "safe" to me because the more i do homework, the more i accomplish, but in other areas of life...... like for example- if i put myself out there for a girl and she doesn't reciprocate, that hurts if i hang out w/ a friend and they do something unfriendly.. that hurts if i sit home alone doing homework and playing video games, i don't have to experience painful debilitating emotional 'sickness' *dives back into homework* i have an entry about ethical relativism coming up
delicate subject.. so its taking some time to craft it properly just wanted to give a heads up its going to be an important read mike skinner has a song about chronic fatigue syndrome
i listened to it and although he doesn't mention it- it really made me think about the importance of the sabbath when i listened to the song it sounded like mike is/was always working however God never told us to work all the time, God wants us to work then rest in the same way He did when he created heaven and earth ever since i heard this song and thought about it in terms of the sabbath, i've been trying to take the sabbath more seriously not only am i trying to have a day of rest, but i'm also trying to have the CORRECT day of rest, since the Bible says the Lord consecrated the seventh day aka saturday since i've been taking it more seriously it has changed the way i think in a lot of ways i think in more regimented and segmented terms a work week seems just like that.. A TIME TO WORK.. not so much a time to socialize or goof off or whatever, but a legit time of effort and progression saturday is a time to chill.. a time to talk to God and friends and family and catch up on any fun (perhaps fruitless) hobbies it kinda makes u procrastinate less when u realize in a few days u will not do any work this seems to be a more proper inhale/exhale of life and not just a series of shallow breaths anyway just wanted to share something i've been trying to come to terms with in my own life |
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chillen in mushroom hill zone Archives
December 2013
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