i had a dream last night that i was on the young money roster
a lot of us were at a table talking one night and lil wayne got disgusted with something i said and excused himself from the table we were all sitting at
the next day he grabbed me and pulled me into another room.. the first thing he said was something like "i'm gnna have to stop f*cking with you, ngga"
as he elaborated then he told me i chase treasure chests, when instead i'm supposed to become the treasure chest
he liked my music but i think he thought it was an act.. but when he heard me speak he realized i really do fail with women and feel bad and walk as a loner and lack belief in myself
so he was saying that young money is full of people who other people admire.. its not just a bunch of people with record deals.. its people with personal value
he also told me not to complain about things because i'm fortunate in a lot of ways.. he told me not to feel entitled and to realize i wasn't owed anything.. he said save the complaining for the music, because that helps the music to be/feel expressive.. but don't do it in real life because its a whole different playing field, and people won't respect me if i do that
when this segment of the dream ended then what popped into my mind was incubus' song "make yourself"
which is about creating your own and/or a new existence for yourself
it was a weird dream, but it seemed fairly insightful
this is a song you can listen to when you feel upset or mad at the world
today my brother in law tried to kill himself.. he barricaded himself in his apartment and took a bunch of pills and alcohol
my parents are at the ER talking to him.. and my sisters kids are at my parents house
why has this happened? ..apparently my sister has been seeing someone else
i don't want to hear anyone else ask me why i want to leave tennessee
so yeah... i've been gone a while
a number of things have happened since i last spoke in here.. as for my last entry.. i said i'd post one on moving out and one on relationships.. let it be known that i actually really did do those, weeks ago.. i just never posted any of it
i wrote it out and i even did a youtube.. for some reason i couldn't make myself post them.. i can still post them .. but not right now cuz the stuff i wrote is on my other computer and i don't feel like getting up, i might post the video later tho
btw.. i stepped on my laptop and broke it about a month ago so that's one thing that happened
other than that.. i've had way too much on my mind to get on here and say anything.. its gotten to the point where i almost can't concentrate on anything.. i started having a lot of anxiety and i kinda lost my mind for a while.. i don't even know if i've found it again yet.. but i now keep a small journal in my pocket
someone said "feeling listless? make a list!" <---shorthand version of a 2 hour talk
you can fight anxiety and set clear goals for yourself if you write things down in a journal or whatever
i started "dating" a girl recently but as of today i think that's over with.. she was ok and everything but she said a few things that turned me off so i ended up putting her on a sort of probationary period in my mind for a week or two.. and as of today i decided not to pursue it anymore.. i still think she is cool but just not for me
today my dad went to the park and when he came back he said he saw a bunch of animals including a crane.. he said the crane was dead but it was still standing up
i was waiting for him to kinda make that statement make sense but he didn't.. and the fact that he didn't laugh was as confusing as anything smh
i don't even know why i shared that^ with you.. it was just weird.. i tried to ignore it altogether but as you can see, the thought lingers
sometimes i think my dad is one of the weirdest dudes ever
musically, i have gotten into tom vek recently.. check his music out if you get a chance, he has some really good stuff
i won't make any promises.. i'll be back when i'm back
what up peeps
i have a few entries coming down the pipeline soon
one is about getting and keeping relationships.. its a "how-to" theory i have
i also have one about my plans on moving out of my parents house... it will consist of "how" i plan to do it, "when" i'm leaving, and also where i plan to go, etc etc
i've started them but they sometimes take a while to write so i'm just letting you know what i'm working on
i just have not been able to talk in here
my whole desire to talk seems to have gotten really low
honestly though.. this shouldn't surprise me because i started writing entries in i think like 06 on myspace and in 07 i had a blogspot... but in 2008 i literally didn't write any entries or blogs AT ALL for the whole year
i guess what i'm saying is a dry spell (lack of desire to speak) isn't anything new
anyway.. when it comes to video games i beat rayman origins finally.. since i beat rayman and ni no kuni i decided to get grand theft auto 5
i have to say i really like gta5.. the characters and environments are very real.. one thing i really like also is how there's no loading time.. you install 8 gigs on the hard drive then after that everything runs insanely smooth
since my first game system was the regular nintendo, i play games today and i am amazed at how far they've come
one detail i really like so far is how you can shoot someone in their car and their head will hit the steering wheel and cause that long honk LOL
the guy who cut my hair got me sick recently
i sat in his chair and as soon as i sat down he said "let me go holla at this guy"
when he came back inside i realized he just went to go smoke because it was all i could smell.. smokers always do that.. they leave and come back and the smoke is still in their lungs.. so for like 15 minutes its almost like they might as well be smoking indoors
so he proceeded to cut my hair and breathe on me for 40 minutes or however long it took, and next thing i know i was sick and weak and i proceeded to get sicker until i had to stay home from work a few days and i ended up in the clinic.. i was prescribed amoxicillin and a steroid which i'm currently taking.. and two other drugs i didn't buy
i decided never to go back to that barber shop.. that was the last straw for me
but honestly, i feel like no one likes me here anyway so why get a haircut.. i'm not like women who always say something totally gay and fake like "i wear makeup for me"
look, ima tell you the real.. if women didn't exist i wouldn't give a CRAP how i look.. EVER
the other day at the store i saw a woman with huge hips.. i was just wanting to marry her right there with her hips looking like that.. so i walked up to her and told her she was really pretty and asked her if she was single
she seemed really surprised and grateful to hear that, but she said she was married
hips are a powerful thing.. its not so much about a woman's size its her shape.. i will gladly take an overweight woman if things are proportioned in the right areas
i bought family matters season 2 on dvd
its hard to describe my love for family matters or just "urkel" as i used to call it when i was a kid
i feel like i'm always watching the show in a few different ways
1. nostalgically - thinking about what i was doing in the 90s when watching it on abc's tgif
2. mourning old tv in general.. remembering the days when tv had morality.. when everything wasn't sex and scandal and selfish degenerate behavior
3. peeping game on real family, real friends, and caring and kindness and real issues.. the heart-to-heart moments are real nuggets of wisdom sometimes too
i also would like to get step by step on dvd eventually for a lot of the same reasons
(and i'd like a lot of other 90s shows too but those two are really close to my heart)
i have a question to ask
if you are depressed, or have been depressed..
do u get depressed like clinically? ..or is your life just bad?
this in my opinion is a good question to ask because the answer can be revealing
i think a lot of times we hear the word depression and we think we are actually depressed, when in reality we aren't mentally afflicted with depression.. instead we are literally dealing with bad, boring, meaningless, frustrating, loveless lives
have you seen the movie called "the scent of a woman" ??
it deals with what i'm talking about a bit.. a guy wanted to kill himself throughout the whole movie until his life changed for the better
so are you legitimately sad, like sad no matter what?
or do you need to change some aspect of your life?
we should try to know the difference and act accordingly
i want to reiterate some of the things i've said about modern women and feminism and how it is divisive
feminism and arrogance are major turn offs in women today.. and they pretty much go hand in hand
i saw this video one day and its kinda been stuck in my head ever since so i just wanted to post it because i feel like its a woman expressing what i've talked about a lot in previous entries
she probably says it in a way to where women will really understand it, so if you're a woman please watch this because it will help you to see some of society's fallacies
i thought this was important to post because i am in the dating pool and i have met women like what she describes and so none of this divisive feminist phenomena is a figment of my imagination this crap is really out there and she's right about her assessment of it being a shitty mindstate that will get you NOWHERE FAST with men
i don't think she's 100% correct but she is definitely on the right path.. the reason i don't think she's 100% correct is because i do believe women are the weaker vessel, BUT SHE SEEMS TO THINK THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT.. I DON'T.. its like batman and robin.. batman is the leader but that doesn't mean robin is a piece of sh*t or whatever, they are partners but they occupy different roles..
women are deemed a man's helper in genesis.. what's wrong with that? why do women hate this dynamic so much? this is how things work.. partnership.. relationship.. dare i say UNION
it goes back to how i always say innate unseen things often have a physical marker
PHYSICALLY: men are stronger, women are more flexible... so what should we take from such?
PHYSICALLY: men are givers, women are recievers.. deduce what you should from these things
when Jesus was asked about marriage he legit went back to how God made man and woman in Genesis to explain things
also the Bible talks about how we can see God and His nature and His work through the things He created.. nature and things.. its like how if you want to know something about me you should probably listen to one of my songs.. if you want to know something about God, then look at the ocean or walk through the forest.. what do u gather from these things?
i see the ocean i see huge, infinite, enduring, vast, peaceful, gives life, sustains life.. etc.
in the same way- LOOK AT MEN AND WOMEN.. WHAT ARE YOU SEEING?
MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT THE F*CKING SAME!!!!!!
overall i just wanted to say we have to stop this counterintuitive crap we have these days!
women need to stop this "i can do whatever you can do" CRAP.. why would you even try to devalue a person like that!?
how would i look boasting to my wife like "i can cook whatever you can cook better than you" or "i can work AND take care of the kids, i don't need a woman"
BUT THATS WHAT YOU DUMBASS FEMINISTS TELL WOMEN TO DO TO MEN!!!!
YOU STUPID CONTENTIOUS WHORES!!!!!
women need to stop trying to act like men saying things that aren't even positive at all like: "i can have sex without feeling just like you!" ... ok... are you proud of this 'talent?'
like what the f*ck is wrong with caring and wanting companionship and not wanting to sleep around? women please stop trying to do manly things because its not attractive on women..
i'm not saying men can or should sleep around at all.. what i'm saying is you women try to be like men.. you see men being "players" and so you go out and try to do it.. stop doing things like this.. stop trying to display masculine characteristics and traits
^ what feminism looks like ^
-THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU BEING BAD AT SPORTS
(NO GUY TURNS ON THE WNBA AND GETS OUT THE VASELINE IF YOU GET MY DRIFT!!! THOSE WOMEN ARE GROSS!!!!!!!)
-THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU WEARING A DRESS, YOU DONT HAVE TO WEAR A PANT-SUIT
-THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH "GIVING A SH*T"
(i've heard so many women say things like "i'm tired of caring so much" smh.. ok, so not caring sounds fun to you then? just doing things for no reason sounds fun to you? maybe you should live without purpose???? .. its good to have a heart!! those heart-string bonds are what keep families together you f*cking idiot!)
BEING A WOMAN IS NOT A DAMN CRIME.. BEING FEMININE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND PROPER THINGS
SAME WITH MEN- WHEN THEY ARE MASCULINE IT IS AN AMAZING THING..
SO STOP LISTENING TO FEMINIST BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!
MEN DONT WANT TO DATE FEMALE MEN YOU F*CKING IDIOTS!!!!!!
all feminists do is tell you that its "cool" or "right" or "acceptable" to do things women shouldn't do:
feminists are pro choice aka pro abortion aka THEY TELL YOU ITS NATURAL TO TURN YOUR BIRTH CANAL INTO A DEATH TRAP
they tell you you shouldn't be happy being a "mere" housewife as if taking care of your kids is beneath you or like a worthless job
they tell you not to respect or love or really care for men
they tell you to be a lesbian
they're always ranting about how men are rapists
they take no responsibility for their lives they just sit around complaining and they want you to join their huge piece of shit pity party
trust me i am not saying this for my own benefit because i only need one wife.. all feminist women can go f*ck eachother for all i care, but i legit want to save some of you "modern" women from thinking this feminism is cool because its not and you will find yourself popping anti-depressants to numb your mind from those abortions or maybe you'll be at age 45 trying to be a cougar just to have male attention.. looking like a desperate burnout
rise above the bullshit.
someone sent me a flyer for the black journalism thing and i was surprised to see i was on it lol
they took this picture i think back in november 2012
i'm sure u guys see me.. i was swaggin on the haytaz brah
this imo is not meant to point a finger at the rich, its meant to point a finger at the viewer i.e. you and i
watch your behavior with a sober judgement
first of all.. if you plan on playing ni no kuni, don't read this because i'm going to talk about the ending
ok now during the entire game you (oliver) go out on a quest to try and save your mother from dying
as you get almost to the end you realize you can't save her, she's just going to die regardless
then you feel very bad until a few other things occur and you come to the conclusion that you'll just do the best you can with what you have left
oliver decides he will carry on without his mom and just live with strength
this was very hard for me to take at first
the whole time i thought oliver would save his mom but it turns out instead he just learns a lesson
the lesson he learned was that life is imperfect but you have to just deal with the ups and downs and be your best self at every moment.. leave the past in the past and walk with strength through everything
this was pretty much mind boggling to me.. it seemed so empty.. it seriously took a week to sink in.. but i thought about it later and i realized that bittersweet ending was perfect
you're going to go through life and have regrets, or pains, or people will leave you
but its up to you still to just work with what you have
you can't put all your eggs in one thing "i'll be happy if this happens" or "i'll enjoy life when this happens"
you just have to cast all that away and live today
when i say "live" i don't mean go out and skydive or act crazy, i mean just be strong, thankful, content, and your best self.. TODAY
the villains in the game were all mere good people who let the hardships of life take root in their hearts
they clung to the disappointments, the bitterness, the pain, and the sorrow.. and it turned them into evil people.. it made them forget who they really wanted to be
oliver, the main character went through the same pain with the loss of his mom, but instead of letting it change him, he had faith and was just grateful.. he said "mom you gave me the greatest gift of all.. life" and he said he was going to move on with his life.. and not only did he move on.. he moved on with gusto
this whole ending really made me sit and think
it was pretty profound and i think it went over a lot of peoples heads
but seriously.. i don't know if anything could've been more appropriate
even now i'm still letting this ending marinate
i feel like it represents a large segment of wisdom i have never grasped and i'm just now being introduced to it.. i know its just a change of perspective, but its a complete game-changer for someone like me