today is the last day of 2012 ..how do i feel? ..i feel like this year went by pretty fast
this year i struggled with my thought life and my actual life.. my thoughts are generally about deep things in life.. things no one can explain or predict.. however my actual life has consisted of immediate tasks and duties.. in 2012, they kinda fought with one another and i had a hard time finding a balance
also i left clarksville this year.. my roommates were just ....i don't even want to get into it... the jobs in clarksville were nonexistent.. the girls were all wack and flaky.. i got tired of cops pulling me over all the time.. i mean that place just ended up being a wasteland for me this year
one thing i'm happy about this year is i started doing the downloadable talks and rants.. i don't know if anyone cares but i think that is great and i'd like to do more
what can i say about 2012?
well, one thing i can say is the wii u came out this year.. and that thing is balls on rye!
but overall i'm just glad and thankful that God continued to bless us and keep us
2012.. over and out
i read a great song-by-song run down of the album bizarre ride from the pharcyde
the one who gave the rundown was tre hardson aka slimkid
i really enjoyed reading his reflections on the album!
if anyone is interested in peeping it, here's the link:
now onto the part i wanted to share
all i can say about it is he definitely hit it on the head.. its cool to know i'm not the only one who felt that type of pain
i mean i already know i'm not the only one however having him put it in such plain terms is really cool because wow.. i've totally been there
i guess "otha fish" was pharcyde's version of "dry your eyes" (the streets)
anyway if you're interested, here's what he said about the song "otha fish"
"That was like, a super-duper heartbreak for a guy who’s 20, 21 years old. To me, it was the worst time of my life. When you’re young, you have these dreams when you have a girlfriend, and it’s a different kind of mindset, a different way of living. And when that’s gone from you, and you’ve invested everything about you into it, to get it stripped away, it’s like, man, I wasn’t even me. There was a huge void there. I didn’t even give a f*ck about how to fill that void. Loving myself? What the f*ck is that? Who cares? The person who I was with, who was everything to me, was gone. So just to deal with that, just going through that, was super f*cked up. I didn’t care about anything anymore. So for me to say, “Otha Fish,” I had to realize that. I had to evolve into understanding there are other people in the world. When you’re in it, you don’t believe that to be true."
dude.. just thank you for saying that
i think i've realized a certain theme on this site lately
it has just occurred to me what that theme is and where it comes from
i am tired of not being "good enough"
that is essentially what a great deal of my animosity and anger stems from
i hate it when people are so focused on things in my life that are "flaws"
i want someone to just say "I LIKE JAMES"
this is a word for word quote a girl said this to me in a conversation and it meant a lot to me to the point where i saved it
"James i really don't see why you're alone. I mean sure you're a little weird but that's what makes you you"
that's what i want.. just basic acceptance from someone somehow at some point.. someone who says "yeah james ur weird but that's cool" instead of.. "ur weird, thus not worthy of listening to" "ur this so i'm not talking to u" "ur at point A so you will never be at point B" "ur not like so and so, so you're not worthwhile"
on the song "there's been a murder" from jay-z he said "all i ever wanted to be was wealthy or to have someone tell me they felt me"
man.. can i get that please? can someone cosign or validate something i say for once? can someone say "james is alright with me" ever? can i get some sort of backup or "i feel u" ever? or will i always be looked at as someone who is unworthy of support, validation, or even just being agreed with?
i want someone to say "i like james for who he is" i am so tired of people telling me how i don't measure up somehow whether directly or indirectly
i have been dissed by "life" so much that i have grown to absolutely despise even the smallest slight.. its to where i become enraged at even the HINTING that i may not be good enough in any aspect of existence at all
for what its worth.. i wasn't going to share this song because its extremely rough, but it tends to explain a large part of how i feel so listen and live in my world for 3 minutes..
good luck seeing through my eyes ngga, you're gnna need it
i like this quote.. i read it in a textbook
anyone who has just needed some time alone should be able to relate to it
"Privacy makes possible the sort of space and time needed for the development of an autonomous self, one capable of reflecting on and carefully choosing decisions, acts, and values. In this way, privacy is an essential condition for creating our selves."
this^ is definitely one of the great hidden benefits of being single
to go with my post about liars i want to talk about why i don't trust people
one reason i don't trust people is because i am black
when you are black you sometimes find out people who you thought were cool were actually racist.. people smile in your face then turn around and talk about how you are dumb or ugly or inadequate because of your skin color
sidenote: i don't like it when people act like racism doesn't exist because i can barely go on youtube for 30 seconds without seeing racist remarks.. moving on..
when you grow up experiencing different racist things it just makes you aware that things are not always what they seem..
as a result, a lot of times i feel people are being phony.. i could be right or i could be wrong but i get sneaking suspicions that people are phony a lot.. especially those who:
1. play the victim a lot
2. act like everything is fine all the time
another reason i generally don't trust people is because people talk about other people.. if you diss a person in front of me then why should i believe you wouldn't throw me under the bus too?
one other thing is, i look at how people act when they don't get what they want or when they are irritated
you can't merely judge a person off of how they act when they are happy, you have to look at what they do on bad days..
when i am around people i take mental notes of how they act on bad days... this is one reason i don't date certain girls.. some people are like "james you're too picky" or "what's wrong with so and so?"
but they don't understand i've probably seen them act a certain way and i probably didn't like it.. most of the time i describe it as "scary" .. if a girl is scary, or if she makes me feel small/belittled, or if she is always threatening to do something violent.. i lose interest extremely quickly (and yes i've run into all of these types)
sidebar: if you run into any of these types, they will likely start off by trying to say scary, sarcastic, belittling, or threatening things in JEST..
here's what i have to say about that.. if you are the butt of the joke then unfortunately there is nothing funny about it.. so throw the notion of 'mere jesting' out the window.
understand she (or he) is revving up to make your life really craptastic.. believe them the first time.
if i was out for mere sex then i'd be cool with any conduct from the opposite sex.. since i am ultimately looking for a marriage partner, any weird behavior gets analyzed
like when girls get bad attitudes, i imagine what that would amount to behind closed doors in a marriage relationship
me: hey how was your day?
her: *rolls eyes*
when girls give me attitude for little to no reason i vividly see these scenarios play out in my head and i just think to myself "welp.. back to the drawing board"
what about you? do you trust people?
i always think about what people are REALLY like.. and one other thing..
when i see people act ugly, i remember it.. because i know they may do it again.. and they may escalate the behavior
see God a lot of times will let you see a glimpse of person as a warning.. it gives you fair warning to get away or run.. if you choose not to heed the sign then you may not get out of the impending danger they are likely to bring into your life whether emotionally or physically
add up all the warning signs and don't allow people to just pull the wool over your eyes
understand that liars know how to lie, actors know how to act.. don't put it past them to deceive you
when you get the feeling like a person is lying to you then investigate or just get away from them.. better to be safe than sorry.. watch for the warning signs!!!
i saw this quote on the internet about a lying journalist
i just thought it captured what liars are all about perfectly:
"We extended normal human trust to someone who basically lacked a conscience... We busy, friendly folks, were no match for such a willful deceiver... We thought Glass was interested in our personal lives, or our struggles with work, and we thought it was because he cared. Actually, it was all about sizing us up and searching for vulnerabilities. What we saw as concern was actually contempt."
this is just a talk on what guys may think of women with kids.. no ranting and no real opinions.. just some speculations and some of my perspective
btw.. i recorded a new audio blog i may upload it soon so watch out for itz
NOTE: i have a good site to share in this entry if you want to look for a new career path... but its at the end so read away
some girl said she was in nuclear medicine recently.. she was 29 and said she had been doing it for 9 years
this sparked my interest so i looked it up
it said all u need is an associate's degree in the field and you make around $65,000/yr
here's what i have to say about that:
she has been making over $60,000/yr on a 2-yr education since age 20 simply because she knew about a good and easy career path
this reiterated to me something i've always known...
school doesn't really teach you jack sh*t.
when i was in high school i was learning about imaginary numbers, and doing geometry problems with polygons, and reading mary shelley's frankenstein.. just overall doing dumb sh*t that means nothing
why should anyone know what the pythagorean theorem is if they can't balance a checkbook? in other words, high school doesn't teach you things of value such as WHAT CAREERS ARE LUCRATIVE AND EASILY ATTAINABLE
i don't know how this chick even knew about nuclear medicine when she was 18 but apparently she got right in there and never looked back.. she owns her own home and everything.. there are people who would do anything for that type of ease and stability!
why didn't school spend time teaching us about the available career paths? especially these 2-yr 'get-in-and-get-out' jobs that lead to good money?
i mean.. after hearing about this chick, doesn't it make you want to see what's out there?
if you said yes..
i literally just found this site tonight
it has a lot of information on careers in and around america
check it out
in my short time on it, i've found that if you go to "publications" then go to "occupational handbook" you can really get a lot of important information on whatever career you might be thinking about
just wanted to share that with anyone who may be close to graduation, or anyone who may want to look for a new career, or anyone who needs a change.. hopefully this entry helps someone out.. this site seems to be the thing a lot of us need
knowledge is power..........
My sarcasm comes with a twist of hatred
Cuz what is life but a big frustration?
Issues pile up.. inundated
And all ya friends say is “quit complainin”
Thas why I had to stop callin yall kinfolk
Brain forgives, but my wrists don’t
scars hang around like a permanent insult
but I chill, I still just cope- man, I clench hope
yeah right I clench hope like I clench smoke
livin in limbo’s home with no windows
trade places, see if u fare well
or plummet after tumbling forward down a stairwell
got a bleeding heart and a lack of support
so don’t even ask me why I started rappin for sport
sanity pulls away, but I won’t let it
its cathartic not pathetic, but forget it if you don’t get it