i did some things for my ears.. 3% hydrogen peroxide, flush w/ water, q-tip.. may not be back 100% but it helped quite a bit
i beat killzone a few minutes ago.. ok the final boss was bananas difficult lol
honestly tho.. the whole game i was saying to myself "how on earth am i supposed to beat this part?" then i'd think of something..
but yeah.. that final boss.. smh
i love a difficult game tho.. something that makes u think and strategize
btw i beat the game no lie like 25 minutes ago and the credits are still going.. maybe they should just list the people who DIDNT work on the game
i don't want to go to work tomorrow.. my job isn't even like stressful but i just want a good amount of time to sit and not have anything to do
i want quiet time where i don't have to get up and leave the house or anything.. is that bad?
i hope i can make music my career one day because i'd never have to leave the house to do my job
i really like being at home.. home is generally the most convenient place u can be cuz u have all ur items and u know where everything is, u have ur own bathroom etc.
some people don't understand why i like being at home.. ok for one i probably had one too many customer service jobs because in a lot of ways i equate outside people with problems, drama, and issues.. also it seems to me if u have the internet u can pretty much do anything from your house..
for example, say u don't have a job, u don't go out and look for one because they're going to tell u to go online and apply that way
but whatevs i'm just talkin
stay gully in da streets
u know how people talk about helping others and doing charities and foundations?
i want to talk about my opinion of these.. ok for the record i have nothing against any form of helping people
but i just want to point out that to me personally.. it seems like too much emphasis is placed on helping children
people always say children are our future and they promote various children funds.. but to me i feel like at least some of those should be directed at adults..
in my opinion, helping kids is nice and u may do some good but it seems limited.. it seems to me like u should instead really help an adult get a leg up so they can properly provide for their kids
help adults to pay for their college expenses so they can get a job.. if they start getting bad grades then revoke their money
or just buy a single mom a car so she can stop taking the bus all the time
or just pay for medical care for a family
or how about just get a family out of debt
these are the things that plague and follow people.. they inhibit progress and stunt growth of people.. these are the things that cause stress and the pressure tempts people to give in to things they wouldn't normally give in to such as drugs or abuse of children or even just something small like overeating
if u help the parents u automatically help the kids (as long as the parent is sane)
helping kids is cool but it seems to me that its more like a temporary solution, whereas if u helped a single mom secure decent housing and a car then u change the landscape of that family's life for years to come
another issue i have with giving is when people donate to AIDS foundations.. there's nothing too wrong with this but its not at all balanced
i read statistics on what people give to AIDS and (it was a long time ago) if i remember correct, AIDS research gets the highest amount of funding.. cancer is number 2
however my problem with this is that AIDS is 100% preventable.. people with AIDS (with the exception of babies) all knew they ran a risk of getting it.. so why would u put so much effort into something that's preventable u see what i'm saying?
like what about cystic fibrosis? or diabetes.. and those are off the top of my head but i am probably not even scratching the surface of diseases that are more imperative than AIDS..
what about all these other diseases and ailments that we don't understand? diseases that aren't preventable.. we don't know where they come from, how to treat them, or how to soften their blow.. yet AIDS gets all these commercials and that whole "red" campaign, and this and that as if its the only disease/ailment/virus/syndrome (whatever u want to call it) that matters
i actually kinda resent the attention it gets just because people would rather do anti-AIDS than pro-self control
like people get gonorrhea and they say.. dang i should've been more careful.. they don't say "i'm going to go on a crusade for safe sex! ..i'm going to do a great gonorrhea awareness campaign!"
having AIDS doesn't make u some sort of new age martyr.. it likely just means u were doing something u shouldn't have and u got pwned for it.. and that's not to sound insensitive i'm just being real.. it goes for all of us.. if i go out and bang some chick then i could get AIDS too u feel me? the rules apply to everyone
again.. people would rather do anti-AIDS than pro-self control and that irks me.. but to be honest its probably just because AIDS IS IN FACT SO PROFITABLE.. if i go out and speak on self control, would people support that the same way they support the notion of "safe sex" ? probably not
but whatever.. just wanted to get these thoughts off my chest
u know.. one thing that bothers me is when people always have opinions that align with popular consensus
these people don't think for themselves but they always say they do
they don't realize they are a product of groupthink
no one believes they are a follower of groupthink but look.. if your thoughts on major issues all agree with popular opinion or they all agree with ur peers then guess what? ..the shoe fits
i could go on about this but i'm just gnna let that stand
school's out so i've been playing killzone 2 a bunch.. it took me a while to get used to it because it uses like every button on the controller.. but its a great game.. i highly recommend it
i just deleted and tossed a lot more rhymes
like i have said before, having rhymes has become stifling
i have all these rhymes and none of them say what i really want to say right now
i feel better just making up stuff on the fly these days
u gotta do what works.. it does feel weird tossing them out but it feels worse trying to work with them
everytime i try to do a song and i have all these rhymes, it feels like an open book test or some ish
u have to just trust that u can do it.. the talent is there at every moment, even the Bible says that
in the Bible it says that gifts/talents come without repentance
i had to talk about this LOL
i was just on youtube looking up videos of a video game and on one of the videos there was a guy talking and his name is "Guy Cocker" .. like he was co-hosting the show and thats his real name
i was CRACKING UP
LOL like how could u name your kid guy cocker? did his parents lose a bet? ... and how does he not change his name lol if that was me i'd change my first AND last name and just start all over
lately i really haven't been listening to any songs with cursewords or immorality in them
its great... i always felt it would be hard to achieve but now i'm here and things actually seem better here on this side
the problem with immoral music to a Christian is its always disagreeing with your values.. it seems to create an environment of inner conflict
it took me a while to phase all the bad music out.. about 6 months actually.. cuz i phased it out little by little, and i tried to hold onto as much as i could.. and sometimes i even had a "relapse" here and there where i'd just listen to something that is blatantly immoral
but i kept seeing satanic connections all the time
like for example.. today i was on a hip hop website just seeing what celebrities are up to and (i don't listen to lil wayne but im using him as an example) there was a picture of lil wayne sitting between two disco balls on fire.. well burning spheres is a masonic symbol.. jay-z's on to the next video has basketballs on fire also
when i see things like this, to me they are blatant because when u think about it.. what do burning disco balls have to do with lil wayne? NOTHING.. so u know the spirit behind what is being presented.. its not creativity this is some person or some spirit showing you these symbols to indicate allegiance with the occult
so much music has a foot in the occult.. its crazy.. and i tried to keep a lot of music in my life but i continually saw things that indicated satanic things
i went to lil b's website and on there he has a satanic symbol on one of his blogs.. he thinks its cool or something
soulja boy has pyramids tattooed on his back and did a video (gucci bandana) outside on a playground with the eye of horus cemented on the ground under his feet
lil wayne has a video from i am not a human being where they are showing money, but then they deliberately show someone cutting out the all-seeing eye to indicate affiliation with illuminati or some other occult thing
50 cent was photographed recently wearing a gray illuminati hat with the all-seeing eye on it
i went to charles hamilton's blog read one of his entries, and he said one of his friends died, so he was on there cussing out the Lord
and what about people on songs just plain taking the Lord's name in vain?
what about how a lot of rap is turning gay? "let's put earrings in BOTH ears" "let's talk about out jewelry" "let's do dances that look feminine in nature" now u have someone like lil b coming out and calling himself a "pretty bitch"
it goes for rock too
311 has the all-seeing eye on one of their album covers
a lot of bands also name songs after pagan gods.. then u listen to the song, and look up the pagan god on the internet and u realize the song gives u the feeling that the pagan god was said to evoke..
or u have a band like mgmt which is trying to usher in new hippism aka new paganism and who mimics pagan rituals in their videos
the main thing is.. music isn't just naughty.. no u actually see ties to pagan worship or satanism
one time at the store i got a feeling about an album cover so i looked at it closer to examine it and i saw "666" in small print on it.. the color of it was almost the same as the background so u'd never notice it if u didn't look close enough
and that's the perfect analogy for a great deal of secular music.. a person who is aloof doesn't see anything going on.. but a person who is in the know is either going to see all the connections right off the bat, or they're going to look long enough til the connection becomes clear
and i see a LOT of bad things going on in music
so.. recently i've just been listening to bizzle, shad, and dnb
bizzle is a christian rapper
shad is a rapper who is a christian
and dnb is just instrumental
and u know.. i actually feel a lot "lighter" these days
sometimes now i just put on a bizzle song and it really makes me feel good.. i love hearing him talk about the goodness and power of Jesus.. its amazing for real
i'm honestly feeling like i'll never go back to listening to secular music.. don't get me wrong i still listen to instrumental music but as far as secular words? if its not good, its not good u feel me? if its not wholesome or moral or helpful, its garbage
a number of things hit me and led me to a certain conclusion
let me first explain the things that happened
1. i had spanish this last semester and it was very difficult.. i failed every test in that class yet i still came out with a C.. how did i do it? well i guess the teacher made it so if u did good on ur homework, u'd pass
now.. the homework was ok at first but toward the end it became just as ridiculous as the tests.. but instead of being impossible like the tests.. it was just EXTREMELY time consuming..
how did u get by then james?
well the homework was on computer and my computer (i'm very blessed, thank you Lord for my laptop) due to my google toolbar kindly asked me a number of times "we can see that this page is in spanish.. would u like this translated?" mind you this happened out of nowhere for me so i was very happy about it.. it saved me hours upon hours of time translating and deciphering things..
u may think i'm exaggerating but the homework was hard as FCK.. like i went to class the next day after one of these assignments and asked the person next to me what they thought of the assignment last night.. she said "i just didn't even do it"
i knew there was no way anyone could have done it.. the only way i did it was because my computer translated everything, so i just laughed and thanked God for helping me do the impossible
so that was #1.. what was the seed that was planted in #1?
the fact that through technology, (which i am good with) i can perhaps get a leg up in some areas of school
now #2. i had a REALLY hard time reading stories for classes this yr.. people don't understand.. and i don't know if i am able to emphasize this enough
IT IS BORING TO ME
and not like regular boring.. i mean like.. i seriously try and try and try and it is just one of the hardest things for me to just sit and read a boring thing from school.. like literally sometimes i honestly want to cry cuz i want to read and do well so bad but its hard ..
i always felt stupid about this but then came #3.
#3. is this: i saw a mini documentary on tv about a kid with ADHD aka attention deficit hyper activity disorder
now.. i don't believe in that being a disorder.. i don't believe its a drawback or a flaw.. i think people are active and intelligent and i don't think its the people.. i think its the TASKS that are dumb
like for example, say i am assigned a reading that generally takes 8 hours to finish
then that's 8 hours where i'm sitting in a chair or laying on a bed.. not only that, that's 8 hours of no human interaction.. you see what i'm saying? this is my issue with "education" like u force people to take shortcuts and buy cliffnotes and all kinds of ish because the standards are literally too high and not even practical
they promote unnatural lack of activity and unnatural isolation of people
like when u look at a commercial for a college it always looks enriching and even exciting.. why? because they show people being ACTIVE.. they show people doing science experiments, or outside with a football, or they show people in fraternities, they show people in clubs and sports and they say things like "hands-on" and ish.. even when they DO show people studying its normally like a group of people discussing ish
but when u get to college what is it in reality?
YOU SITTING IN YOUR ROOM READING A BOOK ALONE or YOU IN CLASS TAKING NOTES LISTENING TO A TEACHER YAMMER ON
here's my point:
to say people have a DISORDER because they can't sit still for 3 to 4 hours to me is ridiculous.. when i sit still sometimes trying to study for example.. a lot of times my body begins to ache.. literally my whole body just aches from inactivity or from sitting over a computer keyboard doing homework in a pose like a typing praying mantis or some ish
james, whats ur point?
my point is.. i don't believe ADHD is a disorder, but to society it is.. and basically when i saw that documentary.. I RELATED TO EVERY SINGLE THING THAT KID WAS SAYING.. so do i think i have ADHD? i'm not going to say yes or no but like i said.. i saw myself in that kid.. i know what he was talking about when he talked about trying to focus but just not being able to
one time my dad told me that when he was little, the teacher told him to draw a picture of himself at school, and he drew a picture of himself in a prison
and that's what i'm talking about.. its like u almost feel confined or trapped, you don't feel like u can move or do anything.. there's no activity or interaction involved!!!
SO.. seeing that documentary on ADHD gave some validity to my issues with school.. it made me feel like.. ok, i have some legitimate problems that other people actually take medication for.. i even self medicate with my own medication which is normally a lot of espresso shots..
it now makes sense why i drink so much espresso.. i heard somewhere that ritalin is basically caffeine but its so strong a dose that it calms people down.. that's basically the same thing i am doing to myself when i drink double shots of espresso.. like i literally sit and fidgit and look out the windows and ish, but if i have espresso i'm a bit more at ease and able to focus
NOW.. onto my conclusion
i was thinking recently about the kindle.. and then i heard somewhere that kindle has text-to-speech
once i heard this then all of the ideas from ^ 1, 2, and 3 all combined to make me really excited
if i get a text-to-speech program i can just listen to the reading assignments as opposed to sitting in my room being bored out of my mind!!!!!!!!!
so i did a search online and found one, and if u purchase the full version u can encode the audio from text-to-speech to your mp3 player.. which would allow me to listen to books while i exercise or whatever
to me this is monumental cuz i really have problems with reading assignments.. like i can do homework for hours and ish.. cuz i actually feel like i'm doing something and making progress or i'm being active.. but the reading assignments they give in school are really fcking boring.. so thank God for text-to-speech EVEN FROM PDF files!!!
this is really going to help me to succeed and i hope to continue to find ways to use technology to get the upper hand in school..
(btw i know i said a lot here and i feel kinda bad because its very self oriented to the point of perhaps self indulgence.. but again, i just wanted to get this off my chest.. this is a serious problem i face.. people don't understand the extent of my frustration with school sometimes.. like seriously i am hoping to get radical about finding advantages because i'm tired of struggling with things that everyone tells me should be easy.. ITS NOT EASY FOR ME YOU FCKING KNOWITALL <--- not directed at my readers.. just the people who act like i'm dumb cuz i have issues with focusing and ish)
i just watched a thing on youtube about diggy simmons and it made me think about where he is at his age vs. where i was at his age
he's way more advanced than i was at his age.. however i'd say he had more instructions and help probably.. and that's not a diss to diggy.. i'm just saying he grew up with a studio in his house and his dad knew how to rap
i had to build studio stuff from the ground up with no real help or support and i didn't understand the structure of rap for a long time.. the whole 3-16 format.. i used to just write paragraphs.. i didn't separate the rhymes or anything.. i used to just try to memorize what rhymed as opposed to having structured sentences
i didn't learn about bars til i was about 18 in 2002 when i got the album "the eminem show" and that was a big growth period for me
when i got that album i was amazed at his lyrical prowess to the point where the beats didn't even matter.. i kept listening to that album over and over.. anyone who had that album at that time understands exactly what i'm talking about.. it was just like rap 2.0 or something.. it was very advanced.. i had never heard anyone rap with that much clarity, precision, and also like.. rhyming dexterity.. emphasizing and de-emphasizing syllables to make things fit and bounce off of the beat in an exhilarating way
but here's the thing.. in that album booklet he printed the lyrics.. that was IT for me lol.. i was so captivated that i used to bring that booklet everywhere with me and just read it and re-read it and study the format and admire it
this was where i learned about the format of rap.. i counted all the lines and realized each verse was 16 and i peeped how the rhymes sat within the lines, and everything
that was where i finally began to get polished in my approach.. everything began to make more sense after that and i began to make a lot more progress
but anyway.. i guess my point in writing this was like.. just to talk about how we all have our different ways of growing into our hobbies and stuff.. everyone has a different background story u kno