if i was invisible, no one could see me/ and i could be free, cuz no one could reach me/ but... is that wrong?/ when people are an item u could pass on?/ let me kno, but before u call me reclusive/ just shut the door behind u, i'll turn up the music/
just a little somethin i made up to show u all how i feel right now
i was just watching dr phil and he said there's no exact timeline for grief however there is a progression cycle that one goes through
this is concerning something like a loss, or a trauma, or like u know, someone breaking up with u or something
he said first ur gonna go through shock and denial
and after that ends u will go through a depression and darkness
then after that u will experience strong feelings of anger
after this ends then u begin to come to terms with the situation and where u are and u can accept what happened, maybe not be happy about it but still at least u have come to the end of the grief after trauma process
this shed light on my main painful situation in my life........
when my g/f decided to cut me off (could explain this in more detail but i won't) at first it was shock and shock is a weird area to be in because u kinda are like out of your own body in a sense because u just can't feel
i remember i was actually like happy when i was in shock, like sad about the pain and what was going on, but my emotions were rather upbeat.. as if my mind and my emotions separated for a time
once this ended then i fell into a dark depression.. like nothing made sense anymore, like someone had turned out a light inside of my soul and it was like i could still see however in a sense, everything was black and meaningless
i always tried to say i was fine verbally, but inside was a completely different story.. it was really hard.. i felt like all the life had been squeezed out of me
then came a period of anger
i kept having visions of pushing her off a cliff or some ish LOL.. but looking back i realize it represented me pushing her out of my mind
the anger for me in this particular situation was like my pride dying.. like i couldn't believe how little i mattered to her anymore so it was like whether i got good or bad attention didn't matter, i just wanted to affect her because i felt extremely abandoned/ignored/unimportant which resulted in anger
then after this i just kinda was like.. "oh well" and i began feeling normal again, like my heart had finally stitched itself back together and i got reacquainted with myself
i tend not to cry about much of anything in my life
like i don't even remember the last time i cried about something having to do with my life
its easily been years
(sidenote: i talk about not being able to cry on the love is elusive cd.. on rain and also on gray skies)
but even tho i don't really cry about things in my life, i do cry about things i see on tv
it could be something dumb like family matters, like if they have a moment where they have a talk and then hug eachother afterwards.. some of those moments will get me
or like i remember when i saw the last episode of daria i cried
just a bunch of stuff
like if i'm watchin a show and someone achieves a goal i may shed a tear
one thing that really got me was one day i was watching the show true-life on mtv
this one was about alcoholics
there was a girl with blonde hair on that episode who messed me up to no end.. i thought she was pretty, like a cute kind of pretty.. and she was so nice and bubbly on the outside.. but she was a serious alcoholic and i watched it for a while but it just really began to mess me up
seeing her ruin her life, seeing her look so helpless and alone sitting on the corner of the street drinking alcohol and crying, even now its like one of the saddest things i could ever imagine
its not like she was old or anything, she was like a girl u'd meet at a concert or something but she was a slave to the alcohol and that kinda broke my heart
ah anyway.. just wanted to talk about that for a bit
one thing that irks me is how many people have this belief of "i can say anything i want to u but u don't ever have the right to put your hands on me"
that is just ridiculous
i don't care if you are a man, a woman, a child, or a senor citizen.. you can not say and/or do anything you want to someone and never expect them to escalate the matter to physical violence
just a very quick and simple example
say, i see you everyday at school and everyday u say i'm fat in front of everyone
think about it.. that is mental violence, the only difference is police probably won't put cuffs on you for that
i could tell the teacher but imagine the teacher saying "i can only punish someone for something i see, so since i haven't seen them call u a name then i can't do anything"
how do i get you to stop calling me names then? maybe i'm a low-key person but u thrive on attention so i don't want to argue with you in front of everyone
so what am i supposed to do?
i'm going to punch you directly in your face and stand over you
don't get me wrong i am not promoting violence
i just feel like if someone deserves to get hit, then they just deserve to get hit
i feel like patience should always be used and considered before anything
however if someone is just constantly doing something then they may deserve to get hit
and that is not a bad thing
but the bottom line of this blog is this
at work i overheard an older woman's conversation and she said "i can say anything i want to u and u just have to take it, i can say or do anything i want but u better not ever touch me"
i totally disagree
the truth is, as people we know what buttons we should avoid.. we know what would hurt another person, and if you decide to go and press someone's red buttons repeatedly, that is like saying "please punch me in the face"
some people may not escalate anything ever but my advice to everyone is if u don't want to see something escalated, then don't press anyone's buttons!
the main thing that made me bring this up tonight was perez hilton has been talking real bad TO AND ABOUT the black eyed peas
he is now claiming he got punched in the face by their manager
WHY ACT SO SURPRISED!?
seriously.. its like if u jump out of a window u will fall, if you put ur hand on the hot oven u will be burnt, if you go in the rain u will get wet
if you are being rude, or hurtful toward someone then just like clockwork, expect something hurtful to come your way
i just feel like violence sometimes gets a bad rap.. like i said i'm not promoting violence, i'm just saying in some circumstances people ask for it and/or deserve it and they just need to charge it to the game.. u do something stupid then something stupid is gonna happen to u.. don't complain just stop acting like a buffoon
man what is with people who don't accept new things?
my main example is with music
when ur a teenager, u and ur friends all like certain bands and u kinda look up to those bands in a way
then u get older and newer bands come in the game and u notice some of ur friends are like "that new stuff is wack, its not like what we used to listen to"
well ur right, because times change and they are representing for themselves.. THAT IS WHAT MUSIC IS ABOUT!!!
i can't stand it when people look at something and say its wack just because "14 year old girls like it"
who cares if people younger than u like it!! does that make it bad music?
me personally, i look at music from a broad view.. like "wow this is different and its significant because (blank)."
whereas a lot of other people are like, "this is new and different, so i'm gonna hate on it"
i'm sitting there sometimes like "why don't they see the good in this music?" like get over your ego and just appreciate what is in front of you
i'm not sayin a person has to like everything, but sometimes its like.. try to put yourself in that artist's shoes sometimes, like don't just assume that something is wack
like for example i have had someone tell me i rap about girls too much.. but in my opinion they should think about why i do that.. like i have been through a lot with girls so i have a lot to say about them.. why not appreciate that there is someone talking about girls and giving his insights and his side of the story? why tell me i talk about girls too much?
i don't know.. its just like sometimes i think people shouldn't be so quick to judge or diss a thing
like soulja boy for example.. people diss him all the time but he was making thousands of dollars before he even got signed.. he had his own beats, his own lyrics, and his own dances and he was representing for his generation and his fans and those teenagers who could relate to him so how is that wack? how is that wack on any level?
people might say he's not lyrical.. EVERY RAPPER DOESNT NEED TO BE "LYRICAL"
1st off lyrical is subjective, 2nd there are different flavors to rap music so why diss soulja boy for doing his flavor? so u don't like grape flavor.. SO WHAT!? DONT BUY GRAPE! u want to carry around a picket sign and protest grape?
like i don't know, sometimes i just think cats need to stop the hate u know what i mean
i say embrace, appreciate, and even learn to incorporate new art, music, and fashion rather than just hating on it
this week at work was so boring it was unbelievable
everyone seems totally worn out and bored, not just me
this one girl at my job is like never there, like she's there but whenever i look back to where she sits all i see is her chair
somehow she always escapes i don't know where she goes or what she does but today i texted her and i was like, "i feel like i'm not getting much done today how about u?"
she texted me back "i'm not getting much done cuz i'm not doing that sh*t"
some people are just able to get away with things.. don't question it, and definitely don't try to follow what they do.. just have a good laugh and keep it movin
one thing that happened at work today was a nice white lady walked up to me while i was talking to someone and got in on the conversation and i said something and she was like "i didn't know u could talk, u haven't ever said one word to me.. it must be because i'm white"
i kinda felt bad cuz i know what she meant
but i explained to her sometimes like if i'm walking somewhere i just kinda want to get to the destination, and the guy i was talking to was like "yeah, if he got his headphones on, its over, ur not gonna get much out of him"
so he kinda held me down
but still, i need to take responsibility for my actions and be more friendly at times.. hopefully i will be reminded of this when the time comes
i know my lack of enthusiasm and quiet eyes led her to think i was being funny to her and thats definitely not cool